1. Something or someone is always wet. You ask, “Why is this wet?” almost every day, even though most of the time you don’t really want to know the answer.
2. Fashion sense has suddenly become a thing. If you don’t think that leopard-print tights look fantastic with a plaid skirt, prepare for war. And if there is one size 2T shirt stuck in the back of her drawer, she will find it. It’s now her favorite shirt in the world so just stop it with your “too small” and “worn-out” nonsense.
3. Band-Aids are important. They are everywhere, all the time. Band-aids have magical healing powers, make fabulous accessories, and stick nicely to the dog. Your house is most likely littered with them, but that’s not as disgusting as it may sound because band-aids are rarely used for any actual bleeding wounds anyway.
4. Preschoolers will eat things at preschool that they won’t eat at home. A child who claimed that mashed potatoes were “stinky” at home will happily eat them at preschool. When you foolishly try to serve potatoes at home again, she will declare that you don’t know how to make the “more yummy” preschool potatoes.
5. A child who behaved himself all day at preschool can turn into a screeching grouch-monster the second he gets home. You’re glad that he behaves himself at school and feels safe enough to let out his emotions with you, blah blah blah, but for the love of all that is holy, your post-preschool child makes you want to buckle him into the car and take him right back to his teachers.
6. If you’re eating something that you don’t want to share, you can just tell them that it’s “spicy” or “minty.” Things that my children now think are spicy and/or minty: lemon cupcakes, Egg McMuffins, and waffle cones.
7. Poop is never NOT hilarious. To preschoolers, poop is always the perfect topic for jokes, and it’s especially great to bring it up when everyone is eating. Better yet, make a joke about eating poop. Comedy gold.
8. You have to use all the stickers at once. It’s very important that you don’t leave any white space on a piece of paper if it could be covered with a sticker. If, on the other hand, you run out of white space on the paper before you’ve used all the stickers, just stick them on the dog. With the band-aids.
9. Preschoolers truly believe that anything is possible. Take them to a circus and they’ll ask if you can get a flying trapeze to hang from the ceiling at your house. Tell them about the time you traveled somewhere far away, and they’ll ask if they can get on a plane and go there after lunch. They’ll declare their plans to marry their siblings, have 14 elephants for pets, and eat ice cream every day when they’re grown up, and you won’t have the heart to tell them that they can’t.
10. Preschoolers are never boring. Just when you think you’ve got them all figured out, they will change. One challenging phase may disappear, but a new one will pop up in its place. Preschoolers learn and grow and change so fast that you will look at them some days and wonder how these wild, enormous kids came to live at your house. They are full of mischief, full of questions, and full of love. And they’re also full of poop jokes, which everyone knows are hilarious.
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