Patton Oswalt’s tweet reminds us we’re all on the same diet and it’s called “what our kids leave behind”
When I was in my 20’s I did the Atkins diet. I ate nothing but bacon and cheese for precisely four months and lost 20 pounds. (I’m exaggerating, a little. There was some sausage thrown in for good measure.) Now, I eat nothing but the leftover scraps my kids leave behind on their plates, and I’m fatter than I’ve ever been in my life.
What the hell, parenting? What the hell, aging?
As parents, we all know the reality of eating after our kids. There’s a part of me that thinks if my kids were better eaters, I’d be, too. Because I’d actually take the time to fancy myself a meal instead of eating whatever they leave behind. Patton Oswalt took to Twitter this morning to talk about something parents are all too familiar with: leftover breakfast. Specifically, eating your child’s.
Just had my usual breakfast — the mini-pancakes & cantaloupe slices my daughter didn’t eat as I rush out the door to get her to school.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) September 26, 2016
Suddenly, the parents of Twitter were less alone. They realized they weren’t the only ones with the gross habit of eating what their child left behind.
#Solidarity. The tweets came rolling in.
If you don’t fancy all your meals out of scraps your kid left behind, keep it moving. Nothing to see here.
.@pattonoswalt I had half of a slightly gnawed on waffle and some left over strawberries…eaten while standing as I cleared the plates. 😉
— Angela Kinsey (@AngelaKinsey) September 26, 2016
— Tom Hensley™ (@tomhensleyy) September 26, 2016
@pattonoswalt I had leftover half slice of banana bread that my son didn’t eat & some yogurt I licked off my fingers after cleaning him up.
— Mike Barish (@mikebarish) September 26, 2016
@pattonoswalt The shift into parenthood transforms us from predators to scavengers, apparently!
— Andy Stein 🌐 (@MandoPony) September 26, 2016
Yes. Yes, it does.
@pattonoswalt I usually end up with the 4 corners of a pop-tart. Seasoned with bitter tears … of my own making.
— Chad Smith (@MapGeek_Chad) September 26, 2016
@pattonoswalt my diet is also mostly “kinderleavings”
— Calef Brown (@CalefBrown) September 26, 2016
@pattonoswalt I could survive solely on the food my kids don’t eat
— Jason Birchler (@hugenerd) September 26, 2016
Most of us do, Jason. Most of us do.
@pattonoswalt I’ve got twins so double that for me and yes I have Keg Torso.
— Lumpy (@Politick_O_o) September 26, 2016
@pattonoswalt for the past 18 years my diet has consisted almost entirely of the food my children refuse to eat.
— Phil Gorden (@phipho) September 26, 2016
18 years! Do you mean we’ll be doing this forever?