A peanut butter sandwich recipe? Why though?
Hey parents, quick — name the fastest, easiest, laziest food you can possibly make for your kids aside from scattering cereal across the coffee table so they can nibble at it like pigeons.
If you said mac and cheese, you’re almost correct, but that requires boiling water. How about a peanut butter sandwich, kiddos? (Allergies notwithstanding.)
Peanut butter god damn sandwiches. The shining savior for tired/lazy parents everywhere, because holy shit, it’s got it all — most kids will eat it, it’s easy to make, it has protein, and you barely have to lift a finger. Well, besides spreading the gooey stuff onto a slice of bread. Which is apparently a hardship for some people, if this Food Network video about “How to Make Peanut Butter Slices” is to be believed.
Now I’m not exactly what you’d call a whiz in the kitchen and in a decade of motherhood, I’ve yet to rip a piece of bread so significantly in the peanut buttering process that it couldn’t be salvaged. I’m a moron and I can still make this work — you guys can all do it too, I promise. Maybe I should make my own video tutorial where I swear under my breath after puncturing the bread and somehow mend it back together with the magic of sticky peanut butter.
But Bev Weidner of “Bev Cooks” is taking no chances and in what might be the shark jumpiest of cooking vids, she demonstrates how to make peanut butter sandwiches in an extremely complicated fashion. She shows us how to create frozen peanut butter slices so our precious snowflakes will never suffer the indignity of slightly fucked up bread in their sandwich. She wants to know why when meat and cheese make it so easy to create blemish-free sandwiches, there’s still no such thing as peanut butter slices?
Maybe because that’s dumb as shit? Just spitballing here.
Anyway, Weidner has the answer to this pressing problem we didn’t know we had. She shows how easy it is to drop dollops of peanut butter onto wax paper, smush them around into a sandwich-y shape, fold the wax paper over, and stick the whole thing in the freezer. That way you have a solid hunk of peanut butter that won’t dare mar your child’s pristine slice of bread.
She then shows how you can drizzle honey with an actual honey drizzler (comb? honey wand? I’m not googling this because I don’t have room in my head for such knowledge) and even add chocolate sprinkles! Because now even fucking peanut butter has to be whimsical and Pinterest-y. Jesus take the wheel, I cannot.
Luckily, the comments on the video are every bit as taken aback as I was. I no longer feel alone.
Bottom line? Enough. ENOUGH. Not every meal needs to be picture perfect. We don’t need a freezer stash of perfect slabs of peanut butter so we can make perfect sandwiches covered in honey and candy, cut the shit, it’s a peanut butter sandwich. Please let us Lazies have this singular vestige of laziness without that nagging voice in our heads that it could be better. It could be more Williams-Sonoma-like. We already have pressure to bust out a cookie cutter to make butterfly-shapes, and I say that’s where the buck stops.
We deserve complete freedom to feed our children a half-assed peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter slices are a bridge too far.