The Penile Code Of Ethics

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Confidence, knowledge and respect are my main goals when it comes to raising my sons and their penises. I want my sons to have a healthy body image and scientific understanding of their erectile organ. Just as one teaches their teenage children about the dangers of driving while intoxicated, teaching boys about using their members responsibly so that they understand the emotional and medical implications is just as important.

Despite my rhetoric preaching open-mindedness, on some primal level exists a fear for my sons’ future sexuality. The thought of my sons using their phallic organ in a sexual way that promotes pleasure and exploration causes a reaction in me similar in kind to the idea they themselves will have later on of their own parents having sex. Yet this is all in the basic biology of mankind, self-preservation at its finest.

As a woman, I feel this unspoken burden of responsibility not to raise my two little men-in-the-making into full-blown pricks. Should my sons as their adult selves act toward their gender of attraction in a way that promotes sexism or machismo, or display downright despicable behavior without any remorse, then I have certifiably failed as a parent.

Not until I had my sons did I realize how little I knew about a male’s relationship with their special appendage. In my household, penises outnumber vaginas 3 to 1. As a first-time mom, I recollect my older son’s overt display of affection as he tugged his penis while changing his diaper. As a toddler, he escalated with a deliberate pull as I guided him through the etiquette of potty training. After that, it was all downhill. A hand-down-his-pants became a common sight everywhere I went. His blatant display of penile fondness came to a halt when he was old enough to understand the social boundaries of his exploratory curiosity. As a 7-year-old, he covers himself with a blanket and retreats to his room to snuggle with a book and his penis.

Then I gave birth to his little brother and the same pattern seems to be emerging again. At this stage, we are dealing with the “don’t pull your pee-pee out of your pants and let it hang over the waistband, please.” I do my best so my preschooler does not flash too many unsuspecting schoolmates.

Adolescence will come before I know it, and my sons will no longer run around unabashed in their birthday suits. Privacy will start becoming a real thing for them, as well as extended time in the bathroom.

For this reason, I have decreed seven golden standards of the Penile Code of Ethics. It is my sage advice to my sons as they blossom into adulthood.

1. Use your penis with sincerity and kindness. This will be particularly crucial if you are to be blessed with the genetics of an Adonis god because youth has a tendency to overindulge in shallowness. Be honest about your intentions. Don’t be a deceptive douche bag.

2. Modesty has its place. It’s fine if you have your moments skinny-dipping or partake in the nudist beach scene for a whirl. Those are great stories to tell in old age. Let’s refrain from bragging, overstating and exhibitionist displays of your male member. Be mysterious, not lecherous.

3. Approach spontaneity with caution. Unpredictability can lead to fun sexy times. This in turn can lead to abrupt, poor decision-making. The endgame can be a lifetime worth of unintentional consequences—think child support. Don’t trust your instincts in these cases, because it is not working right. Know what you are getting into before you get into it.

4. Exercise health precautions at all times. Using your penis and risk-taking is a lethal combination. Don’t budge on protective measures. Ignorance is not bliss in this instance. Rigidness is perfectly acceptable, as is walking away if the other party is unwillingly to cooperate.

5. Procreate wisely and with superior discernment. Patiently choose your pairing mate with a mixture of emotion and intellect. Having children is not a joke. It is a serious endeavor and takes a great degree of sanity and maturity to undertake.

6. Filming and snapshots are never a good idea. Resist the narcissist urge to record your sexual escapades. What may sound like some kinky playfulness now is actually a surefire way to be unknowingly uploaded to some amateur porn site later on. Unfortunately for you, Polaroid cameras are no longer manufactured. Take a page from WikiLeaks, nothing is secure in this digital age.

7. Consent! Consent! Consent! Let’s try not to wear that Scarlet Letter of Rapist for the rest of your days on earth. Short of signing a legal document, be certain the partner you are rendezvousing with is decently sober and in a clear headspace. Being wishy-washy and having sex does not make for a harmonious outcome. It is best for everyone to back out on the tryst and walk away with a woody and a raincheck.

Nurturing boys and their penises is not without its challenges. Where popular culture dictates sexuality overkill, I demand decent behavior devoid of falling anywhere near the prick-douchebag-asshole spectrum. It is understandable that not every expectation of mine as a mother will be met. There will be disappointments to contend with along the way. Let’s hope that when the time comes for their sexual awakening, my sons take my Penile Code of Ethics doctrine to heart, or at the very least, to the inside of their pants.