Study Finds People Would Give Up Sex Before Amazon - No Duh

by Julie Scagell
Originally Published: 
Image via Westend61/Getty Images

If loving Amazon is wrong, we don’t wanna be right

If you shop on Amazon (and really, who doesn’t?), you know the pure joy that exists in their one-stop shopping experience. If you have Prime, you also know the joy that exists in trying to find the absolute heaviest item on the planet that will still ship free. That’s why it’s no surprise Amazon is a must-have, apparently even more of a must-have than sex.

According to a recent study, millennials (and let’s be real, all of us) would apparently give up sex for an entire year before giving up their beloved Amazon. Max Borges Agency, the group that ran the study, polled 1,108 people ages of 18 to 34 who’d bought consumer-tech products on Amazon in the last year and found 44 percent would take online shopping over a good (or perhaps not so good if they’re willing to give it up) shag.

Additionally, they also found that 77 percent of millennials would choose Amazon over alcohol for a year.

“Amazon is clearly being viewed as an essential way of life for millennials – one that at least in the short term could outweigh their need for intimacy,” says Lindsay Stuart, vice president of Business Intelligence at Max Borges Agency.

Like, who needs sex when you can buy All The Things in just a few clicks and swipes? Big screen TV? Check. Jeff Goldblum shower curtain? Check. Christmas shopping for your entire family without leaving the comfort of your couch? Check check. It’s literally the best form of instant gratification.

You can stay in your jammies curled up under a blanket with no one touching you while sipping a hot cup of tea (or a wine), none of which can be done while you’re having sex (especially the hot tea bit). Plus, you don’t have to fake excitement over a purchase and you’re almost always guaranteed to get what you want in the end — AND you get fun packages delivered a mere two days later.

Then again, maybe it means you need to find a better sex-mate. Though with the magic of Amazon, you can have sex toys and accessories shipped right to your door as well, so there’s that.

The study also uncovered that 47 percent of those surveyed shopped online while using the bathroom (duh), 57 percent while working (double duh), 23 percent while sitting in traffic, and 19 percent shopped while intoxicated. Nineteen percent — LOL — try 99 percent. How else are you going to justify all that overspending in the morning? Drink and Prime, my friends. Know it. Love it.

Obviously, it’s a fairly small sample but it still paints a pretty clear picture where millennials’ priorities are these days. Everything you’ve ever wanted with just the click of a button versus someone not being able to find your button — check please.

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