Once our kids entered the “full fare airline tickets” demographic (what a scam by the way), we started driving everywhere. During some of our more epic road trips like, say, that time we thought 12 hours was doable in one shot (face palm), I’ve witnessed many things go down in the backseat. Most notable is the morphing of my kids into multiple road warrior personalities. Shout out if you can relate (or if you work for an airline and can hook me up with discount fares)!
9. He’s Gonna Hoot Henry
Oops. Ice cream counts as dairy. It really sucks when you overlook the ingredient that makes poor Hank upchuck in a moving vehicle (another reason to fly: Barf bags provided).
8. Motormouth Melanie
Mel just won’t shut that chubby, adorable, nattering little mouth and close her damn eyes. It’s a million years past bedtime, and she’s not even drowsy. Melanie must have a future in the CIA, or daytime TV.
7. Head Flopper Hannah
You’ve literally invented a new yoga pose extending yourself into the backseat to adjust her poor flopping, lifeless, sleeping head to avoid the future panic over “sore neck.” As soon as you return to your proper position—BAM!—flop city.
6. Can’t Wait to Be There Claire
Claire just wants to know when it will all be over. Everything about the car is boring. Her toys are boring, she wants none of the snacks you offer, and don’t even try amusing her with the radio. Just get there already.
5. Say Goodnight Gus
Gus is asleep the second you pull out of the driveway and doesn’t even wake up when you stop for gas. Gus sleeps with his mouth wide open like a drunken frat boy, but you love him for it.
4. Movie Buff Bailey
Once the blue glow of the screen hits Bailey, she is in the zone. She watches every scene with intense concentration even though she has already seen the film 30 times.
3. Drops A Lot Dahlia
Dahlia keeps dropping stuff. Markers with no caps, partially eaten food, the works. All dropping from her little paws, annihilating every inch of the backseat.
2. Tiny Bladder Brianna
You must decide between rationing thimbles of water for her to drink sparingly, or stopping at every other rest station.
1. Fly or Cry Camille
Camille just screams bloody murder for hours on end. She has been fed, changed, sung to, and entertained, but man, she’s just pissed to be in a car seat. Get the child on a plane stat.
Brought to you by the All-New Chrysler Pacifica. The vehicle that can handle all of your kids’ road trip personalities (and even has an available built-in vacuum powered by Rigid® to clean up after Dahlia).
This article was originally published on