A 'Parent-Driving Helmet' Exists Because Self-Respect Is For Other People

The Piggyback Driver is an actual helmet that lets your kid “drive you”

Hey, parents. Have you ever been making your kids’ lunches, or doing their laundry, or helping them with their homework, or wiping their butt holes and thought, “I have way too much freedom. If only there was a way I could give more of myself to my kids.” Well, if you have then today is your lucky day. Meet the Piggyback Driver: “The helmet that lets kids drive their parents.”

With the Piggyback Driver, you can send your self-esteem and ability to engage in independent thought to some deep, dark recess of your mind where they will sleep gentle sleeps until your child chooses to free you from your self-imposed prison.

We discovered this product thanks to the good folks at Treehugger, who gave the Piggyback Driver a rave review, saying, “What could possibly be worse than having my child yanking on a steering wheel attached to my head?” Not much! But what if that child could also honk a horn by smashing a button on the top of your head? That’d be pretty close!

Oh, yes, the Piggyback Driver has a horn. You know how much fun it is when your kid gets one of those noisemakers at a birthday party or Grandpa decides it’d be adorable for his grandchild to have a megaphone? Now attach that thing to your face and wait forever for the fun to start. The helmet also provides “vibrations inside the helmet [that] tell your parents which way to go,” in case that sharp yank on your neck isn’t distinct enough.

There’s also a second button called the “turbo boost button,” which makes what is eerily described as “a burst of light and sound.” Can your kid press both buttons at the same time? No parent has lived to tell the answer. Other features include turn signals (They’re on your head! Like you’re a car!) and LED lights that flash more and more quickly the faster your ragged behind goes. Because all a parent wants is to be kicked in the ribs, screamed at to “go faster,” and get their head yanked around while their kid rides them setting off lights and honking horns.

It’s like all our dreams came true and then got murdered in front of us.

The Piggyback Driver is supposed to be “the next generation of piggybacking,” but just like Chocolate Berry Creme-flavored Oreos, sometimes we need to just leave the original well enough alone. Kids freaking love piggyback rides — they’re like the parent equivalent of sleeping till 7:30am. They are rare and magical all on their own and don’t need any extra bells and whistles. That said, would kids love the Piggyback Driver? Absolutely! Without a doubt.

But if we see a parent running through the park with one of these strapped to their heads, we will laugh (on the inside, because we’re not monsters) and send them our prayers.