11 Perks Of Never Being Pregnant

by Rachel Garlinghouse
Originally Published: 
gilaxia / iStock

I’m mothering three great kids, none of whom I carried in my womb. They were “born in my heart” by adoption. I opted not to get pregnant for several reasons, including the risk of passing my autoimmune disease on to any biological children. And guess what? Not being knocked up has its perks!

1. No Weirdo Strangers Petting My Swollen Midsection

Granted, weirdo strangers have tried to pet my children’s beaded cornrows, which is another issue altogether.

2. No Paying a Doctor $25 per Vaginal Prodding Session

Or stomach measuring. Or biweekly weigh-ins. Or glucose tolerance tests.

3. No Being Asked If I’m Having Twins

Though we were certainly open to adopting twins, I got to avoid the whole “but you’re so big” conversations with aforementioned weirdo strangers.

4. No Birthing Classes

I did have to attend a “get ready to adopt” all-day-workshop that included—I kid you not—a slideshow of baby butt rashes to be aware of. Please refrain from jealousy.

5. No Worrying About Passing On Less-Desirable Features

Take, for example, my sticking-out ear (yes, just one) and anxiety-ridden personality, though my children can be shockingly similar to me even though we do not share genes.

6. No Being Asked When We Plan on ‘Having Another’

Adoption is a complete and total random gamble, and the timeline has nothing to do with bedroom activities.

7. No Giving Up the Foods I Like

Salami, grande lattes, and tuna fish sandwiches. And yes, wine is a food.

8. No Creepy Baby Shower Games Where I’m the Center of Humiliation

No sniffing-the-smashed-candy-bar-in-the-diaper game or guess how big mom’s stomach is, though I was honored to have two expecting-a-baby showers thrown for me—sans the games.

9. No Demands to Reveal Our Kid’s Sex or Name Choice

We had no idea when our little one (boy or girl?) would arrive, and we co-named our kids with their birth families.

10. No Saggy Boobs

I’m as perky as a 20-year-old, though I didn’t avoid the stretch marks due to finally hitting puberty in high school and shooting up 6 inches.

11. No Buying Maternity Clothes

Seriously, why does a basic T-shirt cost $15 more just because you’re pregnant?

Adoption certainly wasn’t an easy road, and it has its own nuances (paperwork, interviews by social workers, and yes, all the check-writing). But it was glorious to clink our margarita glasses together throughout our entire waiting-for-baby journey.

This article was originally published on