It's Pumpkin Spice Season, Motherf**kers

by Liz Henry
Originally Published: 
pumpkin spice
Silvia Storti / Flickr / Creative Commons

Pumpkin spice season is here, bitches, and it’s time to nut-up or shut up. It’s time to fill your house with the warm aromas of nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, and ginger like you baked a motherfucking pumpkin pie.

But you’re not going to bake an actual pie. Hell, no. You are a modern feminist, 24-hour woman, and this ain’t your mother’s kitchen. You do not have time for rolling dough, pinching crusts, and spreading flour all over your kitchen countertops like it’s some kind of goddamn culinary beach.

Look, the beach is a horrible place full of granular sand that gets everywhere, and maybe if you’re lucky you had two, maybe three, seconds of joy looking at the ocean before blood-curdling sunscreen reapplications on the kids started anew. So why in god’s name would you recreate that shitshow in your own home? You most certainly will not.

Summer was about them, so now fall is about you and your motherfucking Spiced Pumpkin and/or Harvest Yankee candles. Where the only amount of work you’re willing to put into this aroma-filled masterpiece amounts to: “Where is the Aim ‘n Flame?”

But nothing gets you hot for autumn quite like taking two shots with warm, frothy milk straight from the drive-thru. You’ve been doing the kegel-equivalent of hand exercises since mid-July to make sure you can handle the weight of your one-handed, venti-trophy emblazoned with PSL in thick Sharpie. We’re not living in uncertain times, your emerald mer-mistress proclaims. Gosh, no, in fact, we’re living in a spicetopian society — from the last week of August until November-ish.

The great pumpkin spice foaming doesn’t end at thanks-a-latte because of course it doesn’t. Grab your bath poofs ladies and hoist them to the autumn skies ‘cause Bath & Body Works is about to make it rain antibacterial soap and shower gel all down in your shit. Where drinking a latte and lighting a candle is basic, you’re about to blow the roof of this fucker by turning your body into Cinderella’s sparkling pumpkin carriage. Think of yourself as a one-woman, Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin vessel who enters every room like pumpitty-poppity-poof it smells like pumpkin spice up in here. RESPECT.

And no holiday season — which is exactly what this is — would be complete without Oreo making a special, limited edition cookie. Gone are the chocolate wafters, replaced with a vanilla crust — much like yourself complemented by, no surprise here, sweet pumpkin filling. Close your eyes when you bite into one so instead of stars you’ll see cozy sweaters. It’s like the proverbial dollop of Cool Whip on an already unbaked, it’s just a candle, pumpkin pie.

Now it’s time to get those buns extra messy. Throw on that flannel like you haven’t been planning it for weeks, and add a dash of black leggings, ‘cause it’s fucking fall.

What a time to be alive.

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