God bless Queen Elizabeth and her brooch warfare
I already have a big ol’ lady crush on Queen Elizabeth. She’s a 92-year-old badass who’s held her country together through multiple wars and a bunch of political crises, while I can hardly remember to eat three meals in a day. She also has a great time being Queen, all while taking no shit from anyone. And that includes Donald Trump, who was in the U.K. for three days this week. Elizabeth, bless her soul, shaded him the whole time. But the way she did it is so genius and so hilarious.
Fam, Queen Elizabeth engaged in brooch warfare. I know that makes no sense out of context, but buckle in. You’re about to learn all about it.
Apparently, there is a community of people online who call themselves “Jewel Watchers,” and they track the brooches and tiaras and other jewels that royals wear and speculate about the historical and political significance of those accessory choices (HELLO, my new favorite hobby I never new existed). One of these Jewel Watchers broke down Elizabeth’s choice of brooches during Trump’s visit. And here we have one of the greatest Twitter threads of all time.
The following data relies heavily on the work of the blogger at "Her Majesty's Jewel Box". If you swing by there (I will be linking), BE ADVISED THE BLOGGER WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS POLITICAL STUFF THAT IS NOT WHY SHE IS THERE so take it easy.
— Bitch. STILL my superhero name. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
First, some background for those who are not obsessed with and constantly watching the Royal Family and their bling.
All right. You need ninety-two years of background. The Queen (hereafter QE) has always loved brooches and so everyone gives them to her as gifts. Everyone. A horse-racing org gave her a gift for lifetime achievements a while back - the 'trophy' was a brooch. You get it.— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
QE also does hundreds and hundreds of appearances, and maybe 95% or higher, she wears a brooch. And the brooch is ALWAYS significant. Badges of military regiments - she inspects some troops, she wears the badge of them to do it.— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
A head of state gives her a brooch? If they visit, she'll wear it or something else she'd been given by them as a gift. (This goes for other kinds of jewelry too.) To her it's almost like royal orders.— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
And now, her jewel choices while Trump was visiting. Even on days she didn’t meet with him, she made significant choices about what brooches to wear.
That said, she wore three brooches while she and tRUmp were both in town. The day he arrived, the day of the banquet, and the day she actually met him for tea. (BTW, he let her wait 12min for him to show up for tea. He showed up late to tea WITH THE QUEEN OF FUCKING ENGLAND.)— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
The day that Trump arrived, she made a particularly salty selection.
Arrival day was the one that got the most attention. That day, she wore the brooch the Obamas gave her on their last visit to England. https://t.co/lQOtFIRLcX— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
Oh, but this gets better.
That by itself is amusing enough. She wore a brooch the Obamas gave her. But it gets better. It's not AN American brooch, any would be funny. She chose THIS ONE. This one was purchased out-of-pocket by Michelle and Barack Obama and given to her as a personal gift.— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
And since the Obamas are Really Good At This Subtle Thing too, they chose a very modest pin made of very modest materials. The message is "Here is a gift of something you like, with only sentimental value because it's for friendship not state visits."— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
The US has given QE jewelry before over the years and I bet her dresser could put hands on any and all of it given five minutes. But she chose the most SENTIMENTAL piece in the collection, the one that was given OUT OF FRIENDSHIP WITH THE OBAMAS AS PEOPLE.— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
It seems the Queen misses having classy, kind people in office just as much as we do.
But anyway, on to day two.
Next day, next brooch. This was a day of audiences with people, she does that to maintain the Commonwealth at least one day a week. That day was the King and Queen of Belgium for tea as well. She wore a sapphire brooch. https://t.co/UdpTLSKmfK— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
It's called the Sapphire Jubillee Brooch, and it was given to the Queen of England as a gift for ruling for eleventy billion (okay, 65). From Canada. You know, who Trump's been screaming about and insulting. The commonwealth country and one of the UK's greatest allies. Them.— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
It also looks just like a snowflake. You know, Trump’s and his supporters’ favorite insult?
It contains over ten carats of sapphires in several shades of blue, and is just stunning. pic.twitter.com/H3M6Kwx99h— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
Just another subtle dig at Trump, who is pretty much the antithesis of kind, elegant, classy Elizabeth.
But anyway. The big day has finally arrived. Queen Elizabeth and Donald Trump are meeting for tea. And, of course, she has another trick up her sleeve.
And for the day of the tea, QE wore an innocuous 'nice but not holy shit, considering what's in the vaults' diamond brooch she inherited from her mother. pic.twitter.com/YtAqCJBceq— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
Jewel watchers nearly died, because it is the brooch worn in the famous "Three Queens in Mourning" photo, worn by the Queen Mum: pic.twitter.com/3xS2C56Xcj— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
QE rolled up to tea with the tRUmps wearing the brooch her mother wore to her father's STATE FUNERAL. pic.twitter.com/NjeiP8w1hV— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
Game, set, and match to Queen Elizabeth. Gods save the Queen, or she'll kick their asses too. pic.twitter.com/c9bHP9FPMo— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
But that’s not all. Elizabeth’s brooches sent some subtle messages, but apparently, so did her outfit.
Adding more data from a friend, about QE's outfit.— Bitch canary in a fuckin' coal mine. (@SamuraiKnitter) July 15, 2018
The suit she wore to tea is the exact same one she wore to open Parliament after the post-Brexit reorganization. "I think this is now her Official Outfit of Don't Wanna."
And y’all, those are just the highlights. The thread actually goes much deeper. If you’re royal-obsessed and want a whole lot of theories about secret meanings behind jewelry, read the whole thing. It will be one of the best half hours you spend on anything today.
Anyway, who’s got the over-under on how long it’ll be before Trump tweets something idiotic about this? Let’s hope he doesn’t even try. Queen Elizabeth has already proven she can best him without even trying.