Potty training! If you’re yearning for a way to turn your life into an inescapable urine soaked hell, get back on that potty training wagon! (Yes I bet there’s at least one previous potty training failure in your history. How do I know? Because…. um…. no reason.)
Here are some retorts to the well meaning friends, family members, and goddamn strangers on the street that think it is their place to ever-so-gently ask you questions about potty training…
1. My son was trained at 17 months. Really? I was busy teaching my kid Spanish and Mandarin then. And the didgeridoo.
2. Have you tried no diaper? Have you tried to get feces out of upholstery?
3. When she’s ready, she’s ready. You’re right. And, when she can barter it for a bike and an XBox, she’s ready too.
4. Have you tried a sticker chart? Yes, every time I don’t have a nervous breakdown before noon, I get to pick my favorite princess.
5. Have you heard of elimination communication? Too bad you didn’t try when she was younger. Totally! When my husband gets an oil change for our DeLorean, I’ll just zip back to the moment of her birth and do it all differently.
6. Have you tried M&M’s? Have you seen my ass?
7. Preschool will help with it. Awesome! If you don’t mind my asking, how much extra do you pay for the teachers to come by and clean up pee from your hardwood floor?
8. She’ll just copy her older sister. So funny! That only seems to work for learning the F word.
9. Using Pullups helped my son. He thought it was like underwear. If your kid doesn’t equate a Pullup with a diaper, you must immediately contact Mensa.
10. It will get better! When you bring over a sponge, some carpet cleaner, and some vodka, it certainly will.
So, when you have your lovely, well meaning, bizarrely potty-training invested relatives over for Thanksgiving, be sure to have these comebacks memorized.
Also, FYI, the smell of a freshly baked pumpkin pie almost covers up the stench of excrement. So shove that storebought one in the oven and turn it to 350. You’re welcome. Happy Thanksgiving!
Related post: A Parent’s Prayer for Potty Training in the Digital Age
This article was originally published on