My Grief Didn't End After I Had A Rainbow Baby

by Sheri Roaf
Originally Published: 
Sheri Roaf

Trigger warning: child loss

I’ve always wanted a daughter. After my mom passed away when I was young, I was desperate for that mother/daughter relationship again. My sunshine girl was my first and I was smitten. I found a love so fierce and raw that I didn’t know existed. This little girl made me want to become a better person.

When I had my son, I didn’t know what to do. I had two sisters growing up. He was such a surprise. It was such a different type of relationship than that of my daughter. He had that wild boy sparkle. I loved my little boy snuggles. Until they were gone and all that was left we’re memories of my angel boy. No one expects to lose a child.

Love and hope go hand in hand. We had an abundance of both surrounding us through this tough time. Because of this we welcomed two rainbow babies into our family.

I know that we are lucky to have our rainbows. These are my truths. This is what I want everyone to know.

Just because I have a rainbow baby doesn’t mean that my grief journey ends. If anything, it has been amplified. I watch day in and day out what I lost as my rainbows grow. I hold my rainbows tighter because I know that tomorrow isn’t promised.

Just because I have a rainbow doesn’t mean that my angel son is forgotten. He is still a big part of our family. We include him in holidays and celebrate his birthday. Some people see a family of 5, but we will forever be a family of 6.

Just because I have a rainbow doesn’t mean that I don’t want to talk about my angel son. Please bring him up! He was such a big part of our lives and his memories cannot be replaced by those of his new siblings. Please continue to share stories and help keep him alive with me.

Just because I have a rainbow doesn’t mean that I have moved on. In my mind there is a before and after to my life. I seem to be stuck somewhere in between. On one hand, I’m desperate to hold on to the past where he existed, and at the same time, I’m in love with the hope that my rainbows have brought into my life for the future.

Just because I have a rainbow, my angel son has not been replaced. You cannot replace a soul like my son’s. We’ve added to our family, but there is still a space where our little guy fits in. We are forever like a puzzle with a piece missing.

Just because I have a rainbow doesn’t mean that I don’t still need your support. Having children after loss is hard! It’s terrifying to put that much trust back into the Universe once you have lived through the worst. Every day brings up anxiety and stress that something could go wrong and reminds me how fragile we all are.

Just because I have a rainbow doesn’t mean that I’m okay. I struggle every single day with the loss of my son. It has changed who I am as a person and a parent.

Just because I have a rainbow I cannot go back to who I once was. I will never be that person again. A part of me will forever be broken.

Our rainbows color our lives with happiness, but it doesn’t mean that the storm didn’t happen.

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