20 Things Easier Than Rationalizing With a 4-Year-Old

My 4-year-old usually lies down after preschool and takes a nap while watching Curious George. Today, he lay down and then came to get me because he wanted something different on TV. This wouldn’t have been a problem normally, but today, he didn’t know what else he wanted to watch. For real… he shrieked, “I want to watch something else but I don’t know what it is.” That doesn’t make sense.

KIDS DON’T MAKE SENSE.

The situation became a 2-hour temper tantrum. I felt like my 9th grade boyfriend had dumped me all over again, but in a venomous argument (unlike the shitty note he actually passed me in Earth Science). When my spawn-of-the-devil adorable angel finally reached the end of his wrath of terror, he collapsed into a heap on the living room couch and passed out.

Like a drunk. A drunk 4-year-old without a care in the world.

I was left with the chip on my shoulder.

I compiled this list while he slept; for sanity’s sake, y’all. Because you can’t rationalize with a 4-year-old. You just can’t.

They don’t give a shit, but they will give you shit.

I’m really looking forward to the end of his terrorist regime. Yay 5.

Here is my list of 20 Things That Are Easier Than Rationalizing With a 4-year-old…

1. Shaving your lady bits while 9 months pregnant.

2. Stealing a golden egg from a fire-breathing dragon.

3. Cooking a gourmet meal with a 30 pound baby on your hip.

4. Menopause in the Florida heat.

5. Understanding the rules of Curling.

6. Working for the Sea World public relations firm.

7. Ruling the galaxy.

8. Being Barack Obama.

9. Shopping at Whole Foods on welfare.

10. Flying a plane through the Bermuda Triangle.

11. Common Core Math.

12. Teaching public school.

13. Sharing an apartment with Sheldon Cooper (knock, knock, knock… Leonard).

14. Fact checking for The Daily Show.

15. Anal bleaching Ron Jeremy.

16. Trying to talk to my 9-year-old while he plays Minecraft.

17. Declawing Hemingway Cats (they have 6 toes).

18. Shopping at Target without spending $100.

19. Douching with Brillo.

20. Accompanying Billy Joel (on piano).

Once, I was able to rationalize my way out of a speeding ticket. A couple of times, I’ve been able to have a rational discussion about American politics in a bar. Someday in the future, the same passed-out, drunken-like 4-year-old who is currently driving me to a state of mental discord will try to rationalize with me about curfew, or girlfriends, or a D on his Chemistry midterm… and I’ll listen.

But I’ll have this list in mind the whole time. And payback’s a bitch.

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