Confession: I was miserable when I found out I was having twins.
To grant myself a little bit of grace, this was my second set of twins. So to be fair, I already knew what it would probably be like. And to grant myself even more grace, we had just lost our only singleton baby six months prior to finding out our big news the second time around.
My husband was thrilled to be a twin dad again, but as for me, I was a little bummed. No, scratch that, I was downright miserable.
I felt sad because our only singleton baby had died at just four months old. I felt a sense of loss because I knew these were my last babies, which meant that my only chance of ever having another “normal” newborn experience was over. Because if you’ve ever had newborn twins, it never feels normal. It feels like gentle madness, and it feels like you just birthed an entire litter.
But worst of all, I felt alone because everyone expected excitement, and I was still grieving the idea of what I wanted out of my pregnancy.
Anxiety overtook me because I had already dealt with being in a preeclamptic state with my first set of twins, and I couldn’t bear to deal with it again. I was worried sick that these babies would spend time in the NICU, as my ones before them did. And because of all of these really big feelings, I literally could not enjoy just being in the moment.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I didn’t want two more kids. I’ve always envisioned myself as the mom with a house full of children. I just didn’t want two of them at once again. Because, if I’m being blunt, who in their right mind gets pregnant and plans on it being twins? I’ll answer that one for ya — No. One.
I wanted more for them. I wanted them to have my undivided attention, and I wanted to snuggle them endlessly without worrying about how it would affect the other one’s schedule. If nothing else, I so badly wanted to breastfeed once more. But because of my prior experience, I couldn’t stop fearing that I would be faced with the same struggles.
But being the “get back on the horse” type of person that I sometimes hate that I am, I stuck it out with a smile… whether I wanted to or not. I made the best out of yet another pregnancy that I truly hated. My doctor was well aware of my depression and anxious thoughts, so I was put on a medication to sort of level me out a bit. Which really did help.
Thankfully, I was able to make it to 37 weeks and one day with this twin pregnancy. And mind-blowing enough, my second twin pregnancy proved easier on me than my first. The delivery was completely different and I tandem nursed those babies like a pro. My fears dwelt on past experiences, but I was missing the point. This was a new pregnancy, with new babies and a new story.
I was one of the lucky ones who didn’t have to live everyday throughout my pregnancy feeling down in the depths of depression, although I did live through it for awhile. But for me, all was well when I had my second set of twins in my arms. Depressed or not, throughout the beginning of my pregnancy, those two were and are truly loved.
So if you’re like me, expecting one but getting two, and you don’t feel excited about your double-the-trouble news, it’s okay. You will be okay. Feeling shocked is alright. Adding a whole other human is A LOT to take on. That’s why families usually wait a little while before having another baby right after their first in the first place. But twin moms, well, we usually didn’t have any choice in the matter.
Taking some time to allow your feelings to adjust is completely normal. Let me just say, it does not mean you don’t love your multiples. It just means you weren’t expecting multiples. From a mom with two sets of twins, do not let anyone tell you different.