'Pretentious Foodie' New Mom Doesn't Understand Why Kid's Menus Exist

by Julie Scagell
Originally Published: 
Image via Sanctimommy

This adorable new mom has no idea who’s really in charge at meal time

Most parents (to be clear, most first time parents) have dreams of their babies being dressed in only the finest Pima cotton, playing with educationally appropriate toys, and only eating pureed, organic, non-GMO, free range whole foods. We start with good intentions — then eventually end up watching our angels eat gum stuck under a McDonald’s table in their diapers. So, when one such mom vocalized her feelings about “kid’s menus,” she got understandably checked by seasoned parents everywhere.

“So excited for XXX to start solids next month,” she wrote in a post shared anonymously by the popular Facebook page Sanctimommy. “Also being the somewhat pretentious foodie I am, he sure as hell will not be a “kids menu” kind of child.” So, every child then? “Kind of hate those things even exist.”

Ahhh, Karen — how she thinks she’s actually the one in control. Bless her heart. What’s even funnier than this new mom’s feelings on kid’s menus are the comments that came after it:

It’s not like we want Karen to fail. Not really. We’ve just been let in on a little secret that she’s not quite been lucky enough to learn yet: It doesn’t matter what you want. It’s no longer about you.

I remember being so excited to buy a baby food processor. “Make an entire week’s worth of healthy, nutritional baby food in less than five minutes” it said. The woman on the infomercial looked so — rested. I proudly sat that thing on my kitchen counter so everyone knew I loved my child just a little bit more than they did theirs. I made one storage cup full of pureed bananas, scooping it all out with the tiny little spatula that came with it. She looked at it and threw her tiny dish on the floor and started crying. It was store-bought food from then on out.

It happens. Kids like blueberries one day and the next look at you like you have three heads for daring to serve them. There’s no explaining what goes on in their teeny-tiny minds. Kid’s menus (which were obviously invented by a mom with, like, 15 kids) are the perfect answer to all parents’ prayers. “Here’s five things to choose from, kid. On any given day you like two of the five, so take your time mulling it over while mommy orders a Pinot Grigio.”

Eventually, Karen will become one of us. She’ll look back someday and laugh at herself for thinking she ever had a choice in the matter. And we’ll welcome her with open arms, because we’ve all been Karen. Until then, we’ll talk behind her back and nod politely while she tries to feed her kid kale-wrapped polenta.

Hear what our real-life Scary Mommies, Keri and Ashley, have to say about this when they give their (always real) thoughts in this episode of our Scary Mommy Speaks podcast.

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