School Holiday Parties Can Suck It

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 

Well, it’s Christmas week, so we all know what that means — holiday school party! It’s really fantastic timing, because I was just thinking I wasn’t going to be getting enough QT with my kids over the next two weeks when we’re traveling to see relatives. I’m thrilled that I’ll be forced to spend a few extra hours taking in the magic of the holiday with my own children and also a bunch of other people’s kids.

Yes, I’m being sarcastic. School parties are the worst. As if we didn’t have enough shit to think about three days before Christmas. Now we have to negotiate this.

1. The Sign Up Sheet

You have to be a fucking ninja spy to get to this thing before all the easy options are taken. You’re convinced the same parents have some genius bribe going with the teacher because familiar faces always grab “napkins” and “plasticware.” Meanwhile, you’re supplying goody bags to dozens of kids again.

2. The Hours

Hi. I’m a working mom — do you know what that is? It means noon on a weekday isn’t an optimal time for me to get away and make small talk for an hour.

3. The Performance

There’s literally nothing wrong with this part. Watching a bunch of kids sing Christmas carols the cutest thing, ever. It’s also why you won’t even dream of missing the damn thing.

4. The Over-Achievers

There’s always one. The mom who signed up for munchkins but ended up bringing some homemade gluten-free snacks made to look like snowballs falling down a mountain. Lay off the Pinterest, lady. You’re making the rest of us look bad.

5. The Overwhelming Mom-to-Dad Ratio

I’d say it’s about six to one. The 1950’s called. They want their gender roles back.

6. The Timing

Whether your kids are in daycare, preschool, or elementary school, they are going to expect to come home after the party is over. Nope. One by one, smiling pairs of parents and children walk out the door and you’re left to ask CAN I LEAVE MY KID HERE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY OR WHAT?

Holiday school parties — you can suck it. I get enough celebrating at home on my own terms, thanks.

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