Secondary Infertility

Secondary Infertility

As a mom, there are a few questions I hate answering: When are you due?  Um, never, that bump is left over from the baby who’s now in preschool.  When are you going back to work?   I don’t know! I’m not ready!  Are you planning to have another one? Lady, unless you’ve got Kleenex in your purse and 20 minutes to spare, let’s not go there.

The moment my daughter was born, my bonkers first thought was, I want to do that again.  I wanted to make another baby, like, immediately.  The miracle was so huge, and the joy/love rush so potent, I was hooked and knew I’d need another hit.

Unfortunately, we’d gotten a late start on our family and I was already 40, so as soon as it was physically possible, we started trying for baby number two.  When it didn’t happen right away, I panicked (because panic and conception mix oh-so-well) and ran to a fertility doctor. There were tests, drugs, shots, an unsuccessful insemination, three failed in vitro fertilizations, and along the way, several early miscarriages.  I tried vitamins, supplements, herbs and acupuncture. I lost weight, did yoga, ate pineapple cores and prayed.  I gave up caffeine and booze for a year, and all I learned is that I’m a real bitch without my coffee.

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We’re still trying — the free, old fashioned way — and I’m struggling.

They call it secondary infertility.  You have the first baby, and you think, Wow, my body’s so good at this; I could have like 10 more kids.  Should we have 10 more kids?  And while you’re negotiating whether to have one more or 10 more (with a partner who thinks you’re nuts, but humors you), your body just up and quits.  In my case, the glitch is declining egg quality, but I know other, younger mamas who can’t seem to make a second baby either.  It’s wildly frustrating.  And it hurts not to be able to create the family you envisioned.

As a mother, you want to give your child everything.  I want my daughter to have a sibling.  She may not consider that the same caliber gift as a doll house or tricycle, but I’m taking the long view.  I grew up with a younger brother, and even though we fought like criminals for the first 10 years, we’re BFF’s now, and I treasure him. I realize I can’t guarantee a close sibling relationship, but I want to provide my daughter with that person who will know her always–the one who understands what it was like to grow up in her house.  The one who’s still there when I’m gone.

This is a morbid obsession of mine.  Any discussion with my partner of our fertility woes generally ends with me sobbing, “I don’t want to leave her alone!”   He is certain she will not be alone—that she will have good friends and someone to love.  We love her so much, surely others will as well.  But I’m a mom and I want insurance.

Call me crazy (or laugh in my face), but I’d also like to experience raising siblings.  I imagine it’s hard—much harder than what I’m doing now.  But that’s my Everest.  I want to take on the challenge of the schedules and the sharing and “it’s not fair.” I want my chance to threaten, “I will turn this car around!” though I’m not sure back seat squabbles exist anymore, what with bucket seats and iPads.  I want to see how different or similar my two kids would be.  I want the messy and the dirty.  I want it all.  Are you listening, ovaries?

One of the unique struggles of secondary infertility is that everyone you know is pregnant.  I’m not exaggerating.  I have a preschooler, and when you socialize with preschool families, most moms are either knocked up or toting a brand new bundle of joy.   Conversations at the playground focus on the ideal age spread between siblings and whether to go for a third.  These perfectly legitimate questions start to grate on me like humble brags.  You know, Should we get the Ferrari or the Porsche?   But I don’t want my friends to feel stifled around me, so I imagine that I am someone who has these same choices, and try to consider them thoughtfully.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s possible to be genuinely happy for others while still being insanely jealous.  At least there are always cute babies available to hold.

Then there’s the problem of the gear.   Each time my kid outgrows something, I struggle with next steps.  Do I save toys, books and clothes for another child who might never come? What about the nursing bras and breast pump rusting in my closet?  So much stuff.  I wound up sending most of the outfits to our new niece and the bulky swings and bouncers to a neighbor baby, but I don’t think I can bring myself to ditch the crib.  We’re going to be vacuuming around that sucker ‘til I hit menopause.

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Emotional triggers are everywhere, and I’m nothing if not emotional, but it’s not always easy to find comfort.  Some friends shy away from the topic, as though infertility might be contagious.  If I do share our difficulties, the well-meaning response tends to be, “At least you have one child,” which of course makes me feel horribly guilty. I know there are tons of infertile couples who would give anything to have just one child.  And I have several single, childless girlfriends who would love to be mothers but didn’t quite make their biological clock deadlines.  In their company, I am a glutton yearning for extra helpings.

I know that in time I will, if I must, learn to accept the status quo.  It helps that the one kid I have is pretty incredible.  Sure, she has tantrums and her favorite word is “why” and she exhausts me, but she is the yummiest, funniest, most amazing human I could have ever hoped to bring into the world.   I am lucky.  I am grateful.

Yet when I see her playing baby, feeding her “little brother” (a stuffed owl) his pretend bottle and rocking him to sleep, it’s impossible not to want a real baby. I want to experience the miracle again, but in a new way: more assured, less afraid, and with my daughter by my side.

Related post: The 8 Biggest Misconceptions About Infertility

About the writer

Amy is an east coast transplant raising a California girl (who has the diaper tan lines to prove it).  Her work has appeared in Parenting, Lifetime Moms, Mom.me, The Huffington Post and the In The Powder Room anthology, You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.  She blogs at Carriage Before Marriage, and you can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

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Mel 4 months ago

I have never been pregnant, but I am a mom to a 4 year old who joined our family as a baby through adoption. He is wonderful and amazing and I am aware of how blessed I am. But the yearning doesn’t go away for him to have a sibling. But the four years if trying, treatments, paperwork, and waiting that led to his arrival were stressful and emotionally and financially crippling. I/we can’t put ourselves through it again. But deep down, I pray that after 8 years, we’ll somehow have a miracle pregnancy or adoption situation drop in our lap. I know it won’t happen, but it’s hard to let go of the dream.

Taryn 4 months ago

I’ve been in that place. It took two months to conceive my first, who was then born 3 months premature. She is healthy and fabulous and when she was 3 we decided we were ready for a second child. She created an imaginary brother and sister and would narrate their daily activities everywhere we would go, unwittingly reminding me that she didn’t have an actual brother or sister. It took 3 years to conceive our son, and they are 7 years apart in age. Those three years were incredibly hard with people innocently asking when we were going to have another, as though it was just that simple- snap your fingers and here is baby number 2! While the wait was excruciating, in hindsight I will say that the age gap worked out well for our family. And I know that the years of trying were worth it for my son and if it had happened sooner I wouldn’t have him. Hang in there to all of you who are trying, all of your feelings are valid and although it might look like it on the playground some days, you are not the only one.

Karin 5 months ago

As some one who struggled with primary infertility for 3 years, you would think that having that “miracle” baby would fix everything. I had my baby girl at 36. A lot of my friends have high schoolers ! It’s lonely. I was hurt with the comments of “just get drunk, go on vacation, relax” RELAX?? Now as we are desperately trying for number 2, it starts all over again. I can’t stand to listen to people “plan” their family. How they can “just stop because they have a perfect family”. While I am so blessed beyond measure for every tear, every, tantrum, every onsie washed….it does not stop that longing, that hope that since you had one, maybe whatever was broke, has been fixed. I can’t even seem to find support on my infertility forum because it seems like everyone there is “fixed”…complaining about how they are going to fit 4 car seats in their vehicle. Not that IVF or IUI’s are easy or painless, but from a “natural” perspective, I wish I could afford to go to the “store” and buy a baby..I don’t wish to have the pain from loosing multiple embryos, huge debts..but there’s that part of envy that screams “it’s not fair!” The loneliness of being on an island alone….no longer dealing with the emptiness of having none, but the pain that comes from getting to experience motherhood and then seemingly denied the opportunity again. Savoring every 1st…morning every last…never knowing if you will ever experience something again is bittersweet. It’s a crappy way to feel about other people’s joy. For me, God gave us one when it was in his time, believing that he has a plan, whatever that may be, is a soothing balm for open sores.

jess 5 months ago

We have a daughter who just turned 7. We have been trying for our 2nd child for 4 years with no luck. I got pregnant with my daughter in the 1st month of trying. All tests are normal. So frustrating. Lots of crying and lots more praying as I know God has a plan for me.

Anne 5 months ago

Thank you so much for this. Secondary infertility is so emotionally complicated and you captured the “I should be happy with the child I have but dammit I just want another one” sentiment exactly.

Maria 6 months ago

Hi Amy,
Thank you so much for posting this. I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter that I love and appreciate, even though that is the first thing people tell me to do when I share my pain and fear of never having a second. My husband and I have been trying for a year and 2 days ago we just found out we will probably never have another baby. He had a double inguinal hernia surgery that has blocked his tubes and basically given him an early vasectomy that is near impossible to reverse. The doctor laughed when he told us he has never heard of a double inguinal surgery being reversed…. I hope it was nervous laughter. Everyone I know has had or is about to have their second child and I am happy for them, I really am, but I also feel like I desperately want to be there too. I feel so alone. My daughter is amazing and I want her to feel the love of a sibling. I want her to have someone understand her crazy parents, like only a sibling can. How do you mourn the loss of a child that never was? How do you not sob everytime someone says,”now you don’t want them too far apart in age. You’d better get on it!” ? I really needed to get that out. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for having a place where other moms can share theirs. It is more appreciated than you know.

Teri 7 months ago

I differ from secondary infertility and it’s like you were inside my head when you wrote this! After six years of trying for baby #2 we became foster parents. Our daughter was 11 daddy’s old when we picked her up from the hospital and is the apple of our eye. The agree gasp between her and our bio soon proceed to be perfect, they get along great. Please consider opening your home to an orphan, it’s so miraculous.

Laurie Barkdoll 7 months ago

I don’t think feeling “loney” and feeling “alone” mean the same thing. I am sure I was bored sometimes, just like my 2 boys who are almost 6 years apart (by choice)probably were sometimes. They were never playmates when they were little because of the age difference. However, I never felt “alone” because I didn’t have a sibling. I was very good at entertaining myself, and I had lots of neighborhood friends and cousins, etc. Having a sibling doesn’t automatically mean that you will be entertained by them.

Kristen Beeman 7 months ago

Secondly infertility was the most painful experience…4 miscarriages and a lost twin, hours and hours of doctor visits, drugs and independent research…but the desire for a child is powerful.

Alicia Hebner 7 months ago

I was a lonely only but only after my mom remarried and we moved when I was 6. She had my sister when I was 11. She was very ill during the pregnancy and depressed afterward for a long time. I sort of had to grow up fast and figure a lot of by myself. And then my little sister hated me for 15 years because i was born first and had our mom to myself for 6 years lol (really!!) Now im 30 and shes 19 and we are best friends. Every family is so different and its all in how you raise them. Not in how many of them or what the spacing is between them. There are a lot of perks in being an only child.

Carol Gordon 7 months ago

Especially when you conceive easily, it is so shocking when it turns out to be hard to have that 2nd baby. I had 5 pregnancies in 4 years before we were so lucky to have our second son. We’ll not all luck; we moved and had a new doctor who immediately tried progesterone supplements which I guess worked, so try another opinion! Best wishes however you move forward.

CKA 7 months ago

Thanks for sharing – it’s exactly what I’m feeling right now! I’m 43 and trying for baby #2. I had the first when I was 36, then my husband passed away unexpectedly when our baby was only 18 months old. We always wanted 2, but I figured chance was taken from me. Then several years later, I met a single dad with a son the same age (only 6 weeks apart) as mine. He shares custody of his son with the birth mom (50/50). I couldn’t be happier to have him in my life! But now we are trying for one more, our 1st together, and it’s been so much more difficult. A couple of chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage later, we will be off to see a specialist. It’s so hard too, because I got pregnant so easy with the first! One one hand I feel so blessed with what we have, but on the other hand, we both really want a baby together. It’s hard all around. So I totally get it – exactly where you are coming from. Hugs and best of luck!

Helen Sanborn 7 months ago

Yup, that happened after my first was born. I had an auto immune disease that was triggered by the birth of my first and caused secondary infertility. Fertility treatments wracked my body and emotional health and I had a miscarriage after many months of fertility drugs. I told God I’d give it one more try, but then I was done. I couldn’t take it anymore, my body was a mess, and I was emotionally and mentally traumatized from miscarrying. I also suffered the guilt of how this time affected my family and my young daughter. After a year and a half of trying, 7 months of fertility treatments, and 1 miscarriage, I conceived my beautiful Paisley girl, who is the absolute completion of my family. She’s my silly, adorable, intuitive, sweet little love. She’s worth it all and more. But it was hell getting there…

Monica 7 months ago

So true & beautifully written. My first was & 35 after IVF. At 38 we were “done”. I felt like this article. At 39 our second was born & there is a wonder fullness @ the ease & relax ness I feel with him.

Marris 7 months ago

We had our son at 35 and started trying again at 38. Ended up with secondary infertility thanks to a boatload of endometriosis. When I finally had a lappy done at 40, it was found I had endo in the walls of my uterus right where baby would implant. So my baby making days are done. We chose to continue forward with adoption and are waiting to be matched with a birth mommy. It sucks some days when you think your body failed you, but I’ve found a happy place and look forward to raising a bright 7 year old and his little brother or sister whenever they get here.

Christina Marie 7 months ago

Everything about this post is so true. Infertility is so hard on families whether it’s first or secondary.

Denise Hughes Frank Blados 7 months ago

I have four children. I would have had more had I met my second husband earlier in life. I had my last two children at 41 and 44.

Kim Graves 7 months ago

Its so cute to see my daughter and her big brother. He loves her and she loves him. I wish my son was as mature as my daughter though lol

Kim Graves 7 months ago

I had my livy my first try of ivf. I was 39 when she was born and i had my son at 19. Good luck. And look into your insurance because mine covered everything in case you decide on that route

Kim Graves 7 months ago

My livy loves being an only now though she has a great imagination and constantly plays by herself and we play with her too. I love hearing her do all the diff voices for her my little ponies or shopkins or legos lol my son was the opposite

Phaedra Retnam 7 months ago

I was an only and lonely. I was good at keeping myself entertained but I was lonely.

Kim Graves 7 months ago

My son always felt alone. When he was 20 i had my daughter via ivf and hoped for twins but we were lucky to get her :) she wanted a sibling but is ok now but my son was driving me nuts for like 15 yrs ugh then it was like a cruel joke to give him a sister when he was 20

Michelle Munnings Peart 7 months ago

I’m so grateful for my pair. But I have friends who have not. This is heartbreaking.

Alyssa 7 months ago

I hate that i have the double edged sword…i am struggling with primary infertility so have no children of my own but have a step daughter that i raise which puts me in the conversations with other parents. :-/ ugh i hate this struggle and feel for everybodygoing through it. last cycle we were told only hope is injectables and ivf :-( why can’t money grow on trees…

Crystalyn 7 months ago

Its Murphy’s law. You should get rid of the crib because the month after you do you’ll get preggers. Thats always my luck! Good luck to you! :-)

Shailyn Volk 7 months ago

I am totally ok with my baby being an only child, they’re not missing out on anything!

Karyn 7 months ago

Thank you so much for writing this. This sums up so well many of the same thoughts, struggles, and emotions I’ve had. I’m an only child and we turn out just fine, but it’s not what I wanted for my daughter. After 2 1/2 years of heartache and miscarriages, we are going to move on. I hope your story ends differently.

Helen Russo 7 months ago

It’s the “I don’t want her (him) to be alone.” that I struggle with every day. I love my daughter more than anything, but I want her to have a sibling.”

Heather 7 months ago

I could have written this. Every. Single. Word. Thank you for a thoughtful and honest post.

Rachel Krinsky Rudnick 7 months ago

Secondary Fertility is SO. DARN. FRUSTRATING. You have explained the emotional side of it so well. Stick with it, Mama. And speak with specialists. We tried for 4 years for Baby #2. Turned out there was a reason for my secondary infertility that just took a really long time (and surgery for something else) to figure out. Turns out also that I was lucky to have has my first child and didn’t know that. Now I am the grateful and proud Mama of 2. To anyone else going through this, you are definitely not alone.

Linda Brink Paluzzi 7 months ago

This is my story as well. In the middle of my struggle to find something anything that would allow me to have another child, my husband left me for another. And that was it. Any chance I may have had was gone. My depression and anxiety about not being able to have another child had turned me into a mess. My body had betrayed me and I didn’t handle it well. I don’t blame him for leaving. Who wants to be with someone who is depressed and angry all the time? The medical procedures and tests were horrible. Sex had become a chore that had to be done on command. There was no joy left in our relationship. I cried every time a commercial for diapers came on the television. Like I said, I was a mess. I was only 32 years old and I was done. I had grown up in a big family and now my son would grow up alone. I mourned. It took me a solid year and a half of therapy to get back my ability to be happy. My son grew up without siblings in the house but his father had two more with his second wife. He does have a brother and sister now so I guess you could say everything worked out. Not being able to have another child wasn’t the end of the world even though it felt like it at the time. My son and I are very close. He got to go through life knowing that without a doubt, he is my favorite. (Wink) Thanks for this article. It’s good to know that I am not alone.

Hilary 7 months ago

It’s taken me more than 13 years to have my second. My first was a surprise at the age of 20 that totally re shaped the course of my life. She’s been my constant companion and a huge joy (minus the start of the teenage years

Donna Rose 7 months ago

I had my first daughter without any issues. I tried for a year for a second child, saw a fertility specialist, did IUI, IVF all failed attempts. I got pregnant, but miscarried every time. I told my husband I couldn’t do it anymore. We stopped fertility treatments after a blighted ovum. I got pregnant with my second two years after that spontaneously. My girls are 4 & 12. I was 34 & 42 when I had them, both naturally. The one thing I used to dread was people asking if I was going to have another, and when I did they asked why I waited so long. People are so thoughtless

Dawn Marie Presley 7 months ago

Took 4 years before I had my son. Tried again when he was 4. 2 years after trying, my heart could not handle anymore so I stopped trying, had my tubes tied and told my son, who was then 6, he would not have a sibling. His heart was broken. We cried and then moved forward. He is now 10 and my world and the way everything fell in place, its clear that things do happen for a reason. It was meant to be this way and I have found peace.

Olga 7 months ago

Oh I can totally symphatize with you! It’s so tough.
After having my first at 24 from the first try I was in complete shock of secondary infertility few years later. I found my own guilt the worst. When i was looking at dd it would break my heart that I’m thinking she’s not enough, because she truly is an amazing little girl and we were so grateful for having her. Unexplained secondary infertility was killing our family, I wanted to know what’s wrong, I wanted to fix it! The unexplained bit was driving me into depression. Eventually I just gave up it was too hard to wait on periods, do pregnancy tests, cry over other people pregnancies, we truly decided that we are happy with our little family of 3. And then – surprise! Our little miracle is 19 weeks old now there are 6 years between my girls.
I still find it hard to believe after all those years or heartbreak. Life is really full of surprises.
I hope you can find peace in whatever happens in the future xx

Kristina M Kay 7 months ago

I am thankful I do not have this desire. I do want another “someday” but I’m 36 this year and have my toddler, who is quite enough for me right now. Can’t see myself with more than two, but also can’t see myself without two. Hoping that if I do want the other it will be in the cards. It would feel pretty awful to not be able to have another.

Cassandra Farless 7 months ago

I feel like this myself. My daughter is 3 yrs old. I had 3 miscarriages before her. It seemed I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat. And then God blessed me with an amazing human. Now I can’t seem to get pregnant again. We’ve only been trying for a few months. But I never had to actually try with the others. And now I just wonder. If she turns out to be my only, I’m thankful I had her. But I would love to give her a little brother. The one she always seems to be talking “to” here lately. Or a little sister would be just dandy too.

Jane Anne Nuessner 7 months ago

I had this happen…15 years after my first baby at a young age, I excitedly had my second…agenda third 13 months later…whew. :)

Dan 7 months ago

This really touched me. My wife and I have been trying for three and a half years with no luck. She has a child from a previous relationship, and it tears at her that we can’t have our own. Is there any chance you could do something on how men feel? Thanks.

Rebekah McClain 7 months ago

We tried for several years . Eventually, we had to work with a fertility clinic to conceive our son. He was a twin but our other baby died while I was still in the first trimester. We were absolutely devastated. We had a perfect boy in September and I don’t think I had even been so happy. I’m terrified I won’t be able to conceive when we’re ready to try for another child. I don’t want to go through treatment again.

Jamie Breitfeld 7 months ago

I was adopted, and I’ve always wanted to adopt, since I was so so blessed to have the amazing parents and the wonderful childhood I had. So, when I got married and was told I’d probably never conceive, I wasn’t devistated. I was, however, completely shattered to find out that since my husband suffers from ptsd and some other issues from serving in the military, we’d have a very difficult time adopting. I was even willing and able to take a baby with special needs, but still nothing. We started trying, and experienced miscarriage after miscarriage. Then, after 9 months of trying we were blessed with a beautiful, amazing little dude who will be two in march. I’m so grateful to be a mom, and I feel guilty for wanting another because I wasn’t even supposed to be able to have one…and then I get so anxious because the older he gets, the bigger the gap would be between him and any potential siblings.
In my opinion, secondary infertility is, in some ways, made more painful by the lack of support and compassion for the parents experience it. Grief is grief, and one who is grieving deserves love and empathy, no matter what is causing it.

Nicole Lynn 7 months ago

Mine are 5 years apart-didnt plan it that way, and I was criticized that my kids would have nothing in common. a 9 year old and 4 year old, they are best friends. Things happen some ways sometimes, and how knows why. Some people just don’t get that not everyone can have a second one a year or two later-our bodies are not like magical switches where we tell them what to do and they do it!

Michelle A. Cropper 7 months ago

That’s hard when you want another baby and you have a hard time conceiving. My first was the hardest physically on my body, and I thought I couldn’t handle being pregnant again. I had to quit my job because I kept getting really dehydrated and ended up with multiple kidney infections. My second, my son, was the easiest pregnancy I had. I only had a small bout of morning sickness. This pregnancy went well the first two trimesters, but once I hit 28 weeks I began having bleeding problems, and at 32 weeks had to have labor stopped. They still can’t figure out why I’m bleeding and i’ve been put on bed rest (which is not easy when you have two kids to take care of and a house to clean). I am grateful to have made it to 36 weeks. I just wish the contractions would stop (i’m having a c-section in a few weeks). This will be my third pregnancy, and probably my last, though I would like one more kid. I just don’t know if I can have another healthy baby. We had a scare with this pregnancy, and they thought he might have trisomy 18. I am so glad the results came back negative and the cysts on his brain disappeared (emotionally the hardest pregnancy for me). I am so grateful to have three healthy kids (even if #3 isn’t born yet). I think of my sister who wants children and can’t have them, and it just breaks my heart.

Heather Maney Jaynes 7 months ago

Thank you for sharing this. On one hand I feel guilty for wanting another child, but I grew up a semi-only (blended family with older siblings not living with me full time) and I don’t want that for my daughter. Ugh. It’s so frustrating.

Liz McAllister 7 months ago

I was really worried id experience this. I’ve heard of a lot of people having difficulty getting pregnant a second time. I’m lucky it didn’t happen that way for me, but it was definitely a concern.

Jennifer H Turner 7 months ago

Right on point.

Sierra Mariegh 7 months ago

I plan on my son being my first and last.. Some people just aren’t cut out to be pregnant. I have no regrets and neither should any of you! Its only a momentary setback, but look at it this way: this gives you more time to love that one child with the love you could have divided amongst three.

Laurie Nunez 7 months ago

Thank you for shedding light on secondary infertility. We, too, struggled for 17 years. We had our one perfect son, but lost so many others. Then, I gave away the baby things I had been hoarding and went to the Dr. to get hormones for the terrible night sweats I was having. The doctor came in the door laughing and told me I didn’t need hormones, that I had plenty of my own. We welcomed our second son 17 1/2 years after our first. They still fight in the back seat!

Stephanie Ann Colt 7 months ago

I suffered from secondary infertility after having my son. For the next 21 years. And then when I was 41, surprise! You all have the right to want as many children as you want. Never stop believing though. Miracles do happen!

Charity Miraflor 7 months ago

Got pregnant right away with my first 3 (within two months of being off birth control and not even trying), then took a year and a half for the 4th baby.

Tasha 7 months ago

I understand how you are feeling. It took us 18 months to concieve our first and I was 18. I wanted to have kids right away with my husband. I had always had an irregular cycle so I figured it would take a while. I was also told because of my recurring ovarian cysts it would be almost impossible. I like a challeng and we proved them wrong when my son was concieved. Well he was about 6 months when we started talking about having another one. When he was 3 my body completely quit making hormones. My sister had her second baby while I was in the process of figuring out what was wrong. Even though I was at my nieces home birth I couldn’t go and see them or hold her for the first 3 days or so because I was hurting. She had a 15 month old son and now a new baby and I couldn’t get pregnant because my body was screwed up. Every pregnancy announcement and birth announcement made me cringe and cry. We found out that we were expecting his little sister on his 6th birthday. I had given up hope of ever having another baby. Don’t give up hope even if you give up the stress of trying. It can randomly happen for you. My wonderful sister offered to carry a baby for me if I couldn’t. I seroiusly considered it. Thank You for putting your story out there. It is so often not talked about and I think it hurts women more to not talk about it than it does to get it out in the open where there is support.

Laura Ferraiolo 7 months ago

Thank you for posting this.

Laura 7 months ago

It didn’t occur to me that you were dealing with infertility – I apologize for reacting too quickly but why does it have to be that way? Why do we have to invalidate each other? You have struggles – I have struggles. No one “wins” here.

Christine F. 7 months ago

Thank you for baring your soul. I have secondary infertility and after 3 miscarriages, I’ve given up. I wish I could raise siblings, especially since I’m an only child too, but it’s not meant to be.

Natasha Streets 7 months ago

It so nice to know we’re not alone in this
I was 23 when I got pregnant with my son – and we weren’t even trying! We started the road for #2 when he was only 10 months old… After years of trying, fertility doctors, tests, and medications – nobody could tell us why. Finally 7 years later we were told that it was due to my husband. My husband is 12 years older than me and so we decided with an 8 year old son and 43 year old husband we were going to accept what God has given us. I got my tubes tied, it is a decision that wasn’t easy – while in my surgery my doctor found I had endometriosis and removed it… Now I’m left wondering if THAT is why we couldn’t get pregnant. Although time eases the pain, there is always a piece of your heart that is left open.

Sarah Killips 7 months ago

We have 3, twins and a single, all through IVF. I would have loved another and we “left it open” for two years after our last to see if we could get one “for free.” No luck. And, IVF is just too expensive to do another time. We are very happy w our 3 but every time my SIL gets pregnant (easily and FREE) it’s like a gut punch. You are absolutely right. It is just not fair.

Stasha 7 months ago

This hit home for me. We’ve only been TTC for a year for a second baby, but we got pregnant so easily the first month so it seems like so much longer. Every month I tell myself that I’m not going to get my hopes up, but I always do. At what point do you give up and look into other options?

Tracy Hagen-Christenson 7 months ago

That’s what happened with me. I was never supposed to be able to have kids and after a year of marriage. Boom! Pregnant, that doc ended up fired (as a result of many screw ups). And it took 5yrs and basically IUI to get our son. Now I have had a total hysterectomy because my body quit

andrea 7 months ago

I feel your pain, I hurt everyday knowing I will never give my daughter a sibling and that she will be left alone, I hurt for her and myself.

Michelle Cowan 7 months ago

I’m an only who had our first and only at 40. I’d a great childhood, our toddler is doing great. She wants for nothing in regards to love and we are teaching her manners and respect as much as she can understand.
I never wanted or thought of siblings. Where is the guarantee that you’ll get on with your siblings? I’ve never known a family that all get on.
Only children have no choice but to be interested in all sorts off people and be outgoing , but not precocious as we never had to fight for attention!
Some people have siblings and still choose to be loners..
I’m just sick of people constantly asking when I’m having another. It’s nobody’s business!!

Suzi 7 months ago

You read my mind! And with each month that passes and I’m STILL not pregnant I can’t help but think, that’s another month between my son and a sibling. At what point do you stop trying and focus more on being grateful for the child you have? I struggle with that all the time. Thanks for putting this in words.

Alena Belleque 7 months ago

My almost-the year old is dying for a sibling, and tells me frequently that she’s lonely. My main concern about her possibly being an only child is that we’re preparing to relocate overseas, and will likely move a lot in the next 10+ years. I don’t want my little girl to be lonely.

Alena Belleque 7 months ago

I can so relate to this, it’s almost scary. Thank you for putting into words my heart’s cry. My daughter is almost three, and most of her peers are now older siblings, some of them more than once already. My social circle is currently expecting NINE babies in the next eight months, and I’m not sure I’m going to survive. :'(

Kimberly Westerman Craft 7 months ago

I had my first when I was 21 and when he was 1 1/2 we decided on another and it didn’t happen. I saw my doctors and found out it was me after 3 yrs of trying. I now have that second child. My kids are almost 6 yrs apart. I had help but my youngest is 1 and we decided when he turned 1 we were trying again and planned on getting the help again. We didnt need it cuz I got pregnant within a month. I’m now 17 weeks with my third. Don’t give up. I almost did

Christine Iwanski Shelleby 7 months ago

Thank you…I’m so sick of people trying to make me feel bad or ungrateful for wanting a second child. Like I don’t love my son with every breath I take.

Christine Iwanski Shelleby 7 months ago

Thank you so much. After another failed fertility treatment resulting in a chemical pregnancy, thank you.

Kim Dang-Rincon 7 months ago

I cannot thank you enough for saying this. I’m almost in tears…THANK YOU!

Jenny Holmes 7 months ago

We endured 10 years of infertility before we had our daughter #1. We started trying for baby #2 when our daughter was 6 months. I got so mad that my body wasn’t cooperating! She was over 2 years old when I managed to conceive again.

Erika Holmgren Steiness 7 months ago

My daughter’s nine and this hit home so much. We’ve been dealing with this for about 5 years or so as well. Another hard thing is the questions or statements from her wishing she had a brother or sister around and looking so lonely when she says it.

Missy Pflugh Ciminelli 7 months ago

Thank you for this!

Alma Yani Makar 7 months ago

Thanks for your comment

Yvette Paden 7 months ago

My daughter is an only and I focus in the positive aspects of it rather then negatives. But everyone else likes to point out the negatives for me in front of her.

Why is it totally okay to criticize someone for having one child but not okay to criticize people for having many?

Jen Cassiano Lincoln 7 months ago

Feels like you are telling my story exactly, but we were never blessed again unfortunately

Catherine 7 months ago

The last paragraph…. Is my daughter . She longs for the sibling I struggle to give her. So painful.

Thank you for sharing. Big years and hugs.

Rebekka Reilly 7 months ago

I’m in almost the exact same position. We had 3 girls in 4 years, 2 while on birth control, and then… Nothing for the last 9 years. I even went through fertility testing and treatment for a while. Doc says I just stopped ovulating. I had my girls young (18, 20, 22) and always wanted at least 1 more. Even with taking fertility meds for nearly a year, charting my cycle and BBT… Nothing. My girls are now almost 14, 11 1/2, and 9 1/2. I’m extremely thankful for my children every day, but it’s still feels like there’s a void.

Cheryl Crowder Clancy 7 months ago

I know exactly how you feel.

Jessica Jakubowicz Guenther 7 months ago

Perfectly said…..

Natalie Bako 7 months ago

To clarify our second was easy

Natalie Bako 7 months ago

I feel the same way! We get so many comments from our family about having more and it’s so sad because the first was a struggle and now we are back in that same place. After trying so hard for our first, my husband doesn’t want to press for a third…

Holly Garcia Varga 7 months ago

I didn’t even know this was an actual condition. Thanks for sharing.

Fiona Norman 7 months ago

We lived secondary infertility – fortunately we had our first at 22 so we had time on our side! It’s horrid, the frustrating ‘at least you have one’ comments – I don’t want only one, I want a whole family! The cycle of period, trying to conceive, the devastation of another period, the being a week late and daring to get your hopes up only to have them dashed… We were always going to have four kids, bang, bang, bang, bang – over and done with, still be young when they left home. We eventually got our four kids – spread out over 13 years – and then a surprise 5th which seemed kind of ironic after all the dramas and over 10 years to get the middle two! He’s lovely, he’ll probably be our last because I’m over 40 now, we won’t be remotely young when they all leave home because we’ll be grandparenting before our surprise is even a teen… It’s not being greedy to want the family you envisaged, to grieve because it’s not happening…

Sarah Jane Maidens 7 months ago

Third go round here. One and two were a snap and three is so elusive. I developed endometriosis between 2 and wanting 3 and I guess I’m not ovulating properly anymore, or something as there isn’t much endo there. It’s misery.

One infertile lady said when I was telling my story “Now you can see the other side.” I’ve had premature child and I wanted to say “I hope your baby is born prematurely.”

I cannot help my story includes falling pregnant easily twice, I shouldn’t have to hide it, or be ashamed. It’s part of the burden, and brings a whole lot of differences to infertility like, “How can I pay for/ go through treatments when I already have two children to care for?”

Nikki Davis McCoy 7 months ago

I always heard that you would know when your family is complete. I never felt that. I feel gratitude, happiness, and more love than I thought was possible. But complete? No. Baby in 2006, and can’t get pregnant in 07. I went through fertility treatments with my son and was blessed in 08. I kept waiting for that “complete” feeling. It never happened. I convinced myself that I was being selfish, and let my dream go. In 2012 I had a hysterectomy, and still struggle today. This wasn’t my plan, but I’m slowing accepting that what I thought “complete” would feel like, isn’t at all what it feels like. Sometimes people forget that just because I have 2 awesome kids, doesn’t mean that I’m not heartbroken about not having more. Yes, I’m aware that I’m more blessed than some families will ever be. I get it…but my heart hurts just the same. That’s how pain works. It doesn’t consider the fact that you have 10 kids or none. It just hurts..and you accept it and define “complete” in a new way.

Jessica Elliott 7 months ago

Yup. This sh!t is my life.

Diana 7 months ago

We adopted when this happened to us.

Lindsey-Luke Terry 7 months ago

Thank you for this. It sounds like I wrote this article myself. Sometimes you feel like you are the only person in the world experiencing this. I gain some comfort knowing I am not going at this alone.

T. Devi 7 months ago

Hot damn! You just nailed every thought, emotion and desire perfectly. Thank you for this. I couldn’t have said it better.

Andrea 7 months ago

After over a year of trying and two miscarriages I was finally blessed with a pregnancy that resembled the one I had with my son. I delivered my second child in December and am so glad we didn’t give up. My daughter is a blessing and I wouldn’t change a thing about the process that brought her to me. Good luck and don’t give up.

Karee Anne Elizabeth Trevino 7 months ago

I’m pregnant with #2 right now. We tried for years and it finally happened! But my son is 8 so I worry about them being close with such an age difference.

Jasmine Netsena 7 months ago

Some of my best friends are only children. They are wonderful, dynamic and adored – and are/will never be alone.

khaleesi 7 months ago

Yeah, I know the pain. We’ve never even been able to have one. Can you imagine? So yeah, thank your lucky stars. To listen to people that have had children complain, is insulting to us that have never ever had a positive test.

Joanne McCudden 7 months ago

Same with me. Had 1 at 31 but had premature diminished ovarian reserve (crappy eggs) and haven’t been able to pregnant 7 years on! Ivf was no good at all and so we’re adopting. Lucky we had our son when we did but still tough to deal with

Claudia 7 months ago

I haven’t gone through this myself (not yet at least, I have one baby and haven’t started trying for another one), but my mom did. When I was a kid I would constantly ask for a sibling on birthdays and Santa’s letters (my poor mother). However, now as an adult I realize there are many great things to being an only child. I had the privilege of having loads of quality time with my parents, grandparents, etc. I had, probably, a stronger will to build close, long lasting friendships and have never felt that if, god forbid, something happened to my parents i would be alone. I just wanted to reassure you that being an only child is not that awful

Loralyn McGinnis 7 months ago

Love this post. Got pregnant 1st and 3rd times with no problems. 2nd time we tried for a year with no luck. Was diagnosed with secondary infertility. Couple rounds of provera and clomid and I was pregnant. Funny (and crappy) how that works.

Verónica Díaz 7 months ago

Wow. Lovely written. Hope baby #2 comes soon for you.

Marcy Kusz 7 months ago

I can totally relate to a tee!

Sarah Bills 7 months ago

I have friends going through this now and I understand and hurt for them. However 6 years ago I resented these gluttons. They already had a child while i had been trying for years. In the end after 7 years we finally got our baby and 2.5 years later were blessed with a second.

Katena Russell-Hood Dyser 7 months ago

I have 6 boys it was hard getting pregnant with 2/3/4 and than #5 /6 super easy. Ages 21 to 5.

Jacquie Johnson Albert 7 months ago

Couldn’t get pregnant after invitro and inseminations, so we adopted a beautiful child…two years later I wound up pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. Go figure!

Gloria Silva 7 months ago

this is something that gets little attention I suffer from it and suffer is the main word. thank you for bringing it up.

April Oliver 7 months ago

I could not have said it better…this person knows the woes.

Kelly Koerner 7 months ago

Its even worse, when everyone keeps asking. When’s the next one? All the damn time! Esp MIL’S

Angie S 7 months ago

I just wanted to share my story for a moment- and if it is worth considering- so be it. If not, that is fine.

I conceived my first two kids with the help of fertility drugs… but they totally messed up my body and it took years to get things somewhat “right.” I really wanted 3 kids- but I wasn’t willing to risk my health- or lets be honest, the health of my kids mother, to do the drugs again. I was really disappointed but as the articule stated- also just grateful to have two kids.

As I started on my road to recovery- I found that my seasonal allergies were not just seasonal allergies. I also had chemical reactions and severe food allergies. After a few months of being on a very strict elimination diet (seriously I ate meat and a few veggies…) I ended up conceiving. Some of the research that I have done is that food allergies and sensitivities CAN cause infertility. I know it sounds nuts- but I have now found that Diary, gluten, soy, corn, peaches, apples, and quite a few other foods don’t react well with my body. They effect my hormonal system. I still have some issues, but for those struggling with wanting one or an additional child, you might try an elimination diet and see if you feel better- and you never know what might happen!

Amy Skalski 7 months ago

Very frustrating and heartbreaking when this happens. No one wants to be told at 33 that they have a diminished ovarian reserve. Thankfully with one round of injections we were able to have our second child.

Kristen Trammell Hauptman 7 months ago

“One of the unique struggles of secondary infertility is that everyone you know is pregnant.” So true! I had three early miscarriages after my extremely easy, “I could do that again and again” 1st pregnancy. Each time, one of my close friends was pregnant at the same time. Now I see their children, who I adore, but think “I should have one that age also”. It was tough to finally accept, but am so grateful for the son I have. And yes, he may be just a bit spoiled now but I wouldn’t have it any other way. :)

Natashia White Elliott 7 months ago

Not to try to devalue what you are saying, but I am an adult with a sibling, and we are practically strangers now. We grew up in a loving family with loving parents and we each got married and each have 2 kids. Our children are “holidays and birthdays cousins” only. I hate that my children have no relationship with their first cousins (sadly, we actually live in the same town), and I miss how close my brother and I once were. I guess what I am saying, is having another child does not necessarily guarantee your kids will not be alone. We are moving to another town soon, and my relationship with my sibling wouldn’t be any different than it is now.

Maria 7 months ago

Huge hugs to all you ladies who have the guts to keep in trying!
After 5 months of ‘not not trying’ after a missed miscarriage, I went back on the pill because I couldn’t handle that little voice in my head going ‘maybe this month’ then the devastation of getting my period a few days later.
I hope everything works out for you all! x

Jen 7 months ago

Thank you for this! My son was born at 34 weeks, I had a miscarriage one year ago, and we’re still trying. I also want so much for my son to have a sibling, but have friends who were unable to conceive at all, so feel terribly greedy for wanting another.

Lee Sforza 7 months ago

My first baby passed in infancy of a heart defect, and I was unable to get pregnant after wards with out medical intervEtion even though I was just 30 and my hubby was 28 .

Naomi N Albert 7 months ago

Being an only is hard. My husband is an only & when we were in our early twenties we had to shoulder everything financially & emotionally in taking care of them.
I had to do fertility treatments to have both my children. I have siblings & we both didn’t want our child to have to be an only. I wish I could have a third but I don’t feel its fair to add the financial & emotional burden of fertility treatments again to our little family.

Sharnie Hill 7 months ago

I was an older mum when we stated having a family. Had my boy at the tender age of 38, then we miscarried, and then at the wonderfu age of 43 had our gorgeous wee girl. Miracles do happen and never say never!

Erinn Hecht 7 months ago

I sooo needed to hear this. Been struggling since I found out I can’t have more after having a miscarriage. My 6 year old really wanted to be a big brother and I have felt so much guilt. This helped me so much.

Erica Thomas Lowry 7 months ago

Love this!! We got pregnant with #1 easily. Number 2 took 2 1/2 years, lots of meds/tests/15 friends announcing pregnancies and a LOT of heartbreak. Finally was blessed with our sweet girl. Then #3 and #4 came easily. Go figure!

Michelle Nades 7 months ago

Thank you so much for the insight. It’s nice to hear

Jennifer Suter 7 months ago

My two cents… I agree! I’m an only too, and I turned out just fine :) I grew up with lots of close friends, and us “only’s” are not disabled :)

Lyla Hafeez 7 months ago

Thank you for that…I am thinking my daughter will be my only, yet people look at me like I am crazy.

katra 7 months ago

I am now past menopause and retired but I remember well the days of trying for #2. It just wasn’t happening then oh yes I am pregnant finally and it misses and then a 2nd one misses. I felt my world had fallen apart. My arms felt so empty but I was lucky – we did get #2. You are right more women need to talk about it. And yes some men too! For many women 1 is not their dream family and they must mourn the loss of that dream before they can move on. Enjoy what you have and don’t waste the precious moments with your one. Keep in mind that hopefully down the road you will have a wonderful grandchild someday.

Cyd Olive 7 months ago

Love you!

Ellie Key 7 months ago

We tend to take fertility and pregnancy for granted, and I imagine all the more so if you got pregnant easily with your first. But infertility SUCKS no matter when or how you’re dealing with it.

Megan Morgan 7 months ago

Perfect.

Kevy Ellis 7 months ago

This is my biggest fear. I got pregnant so easily the first time that I am terrified that irk take forever or not happen at all the next time we try.

Jackie Yerga Clark 7 months ago

This is exactly how I feel. Amazing!!

Marcia 7 months ago

Thank you Amy for this! I struggled with secondary infertility for a year, and I felt pretty much everything you have described! I was in my late thirties when I started my family, so I understand that whole thought process of time is running out and I have very few eggs left! We were blessed with a second child 13 months ago, and I am sending positive thoughts your way!

Betsee Thompson 7 months ago

I had 3 and wanted more. Had 2 miscarriages. Doctors didn’t care.

Kate Elizabeth Shriver 7 months ago

I have a 2 1/2 year old and had a very complicated and tragic miscarriage 16 months ago. Every day I long to have another baby and a sibling for my son. People with multiple children try to shame me by telling me I should just be thankful for the child I have and to be content. People with no kids try to shame me and tell me I’m lucky that I at least have one kid and I should be happy that I’m not “totally infertile”. Why are people with no children the only ones who are allowed to mourn the fact that their body is failing them in childbearing? It is just as painful knowing that you are capable of carrying a child and giving birth but for whatever reason, you’re unable to do it again after that one time. Thank you for being so open with your struggles and for bringing this issue some much needed attention.

Heidi Young Rucki 7 months ago

I had an IUI for my oldest son and it’s really quite simple. It’s nothing like IVF. Don’t be afraid to look into it; I don’t think you’ll have any regrets.

Jennifer Tijunin 7 months ago

The pain of infertility was the most difficult type of grief and feeling of being a failure before I conceived my 1st with a combo med cycle and fabulous RE. My 2nd came miraculously easy and naturally. I’m now struggling again, this time with secondary infertility and definitely feel the guilt: aren’t I happy with the 2 children I already have? Of course, I enjoy them so much that I want more even if others may see it as selfish. The pain and emptiness are still very strong…only more bearable at times because my current kiddos keep me busy. The desire to grow your family, hope for certain age differences or birth month/seasons…it’s been hard to let go and leave it in God’s hands.

Robyn Lee DeSha 7 months ago

I got pregnant the first time easily, but miscarried. We decided to wait a couple years because I was so devastated. When we were ready to try again….it wasn’t working. We both had tests done and they couldn’t figure out why….was diagnosed with unexplained infertility. I went through Clomid, Femara, a few rounds of IUI and then finally IVF. We got lucky and it worked the first time. We never used any kind of protection thinking and hoping to get pregnant again naturally. Went through two more rounds of IVF, but was diagnosed the third time with Advanced maternal age (I was only 35) and low ovarian reserve. Thankfully….the third time we got pregnant again and now I feel like my family is finally complete…..with a 16 month old and an almost 6 year old. It’s been a long road of emotions and financial struggles, but I’m thankful for the Reproductive Medicine Dr’s that helped us. Hang in there!!!!

Monica 7 months ago

Secondary Infertility is unfortunately one of the least talked about infertility topics and most people don’t realize that it’s just as painful to go through. The comments like “why can’t you just be happy with one?” or “at least you have a child” are hurtful and unfair. If you ever decide to look in to medical options again, egg donation might be a good option. We have two children through egg donation and we can’t imagine having any other children than the ones we have now. We also have a bio child that we conceived through IVF and love all three just the same. (at least on the days they aren’t driving us crazy! 😉 ) We used a Genesis Egg Donation and HRC Fertility Pasadena for our process and I can’t say enough good things about them. No matter what your path, I hope you are successful soon.

Laura 7 months ago

Yes, we know. BELIEVE ME, WE KNOW. But do you know how insensitive and unhelpful your comment is? Don’t understand someone else’s pain? Be thankful it isn’t yours & keep it to yourself.

Hannah Bae Guillory 7 months ago

I dealt with this. It is a hard road, one with limited sympathy from the general public and particularly from those who don’t have any children. I felt as though I couldn’t talk about it because I felt guilty, as though I should just be grateful for the child I already had. We were blessed with our second a year and a half afterward; I am so thankful for both my babies!

Lora 7 months ago

Kerry Ann we share the same story. Amy, like you I was 40 when I had my son. Within 6 months I was pregnant again. Only to have early miscarriage over and over. I didn’t know until our local fertility expert told me, that I’d been lucky to have my son. Hoping that secondary infertility would just “go away” we continued to try. I would bury myself in infertility forums and reading. Until one day I just had to stop. I had to stop the emotional roller coaster that comes with checking that pregnancy test every. single. month. Now my son is 10 and we are a happy family. I am still a little sad at times because I wanted that forever family for him too. Someone he could reminisce with long after his father and I are gone. This is a heartache felt by many. I my heart aches for them as much as it does for myself. As an aside.. I NEVER ask a mother if she’s going to try for another child.

Michele Lewis Zamenski 7 months ago

I had two miscarriages after my son, and then one after my daughter, after doing blood work when I got pregnant with my daughter I found that I had low progesterone levels. Progesterone hormone is what sustains the pregnancy until the placenta is formed (around 8 weeks). With my daughter I was put on Progesterone meds and had a healthy pregnancy. With my third I immediately went on the progesterone meds, which my doctor didn’t want to give me, said my blood levels were ok.

Allison Menovich Kates 7 months ago

Congratulations! I took Clomid too. That’s how I got pregnant the second time. I was very lucky that the first round worked. It’s a struggle for so many people.

Heather 7 months ago

It took my parents 8 years to get pregnant with my little brother. I was well-entrenched in only-childhood and was not thrilled with the new addition. 26 years later I love the boy to death though, and I really love seeing him with my kids.
Good luck. I hope you get what you want, or make peace with life as it is.

Nicole Marie Pastier 7 months ago

Brittnie, I know this is a really hard time. I have a 4 year old daughter that I was told I wouldn’t conceive. My husband and I tried for almost 3 years (Clomid off an on for almost a year, then moved on to injectable meds. We did several iui’s, with no success. Then when hope was gone, I did one more round of meds in early December with a higher dose. I produced 10 follicles that month… Did and iui and we are expecting a little miracle in early September) my fertility specialist was amazing. I would say, go for it. Do the iui, ask to be put on gonal-f because it is a great med! I produced no mature eggs before using this medication. (I also suffered a miscarriage in January of last year). I know I’m a total stranger but I’m here if you need to chat. I know how frustrating it gets.

Tina Gomez 7 months ago

I was the same way, except I do have one blocked tube. I even took clomid three different time with no results. Finally after giving up I had baby #2…almost 15 years after my firstborn.

Terran Germann 7 months ago

Infertility is tough no matter if it’s your first, second, or third you’re trying for! We thankfully have our first healthy baby boy via IVF after 6 years trying and numerous fertility treatments prior. To be told the only way to have #2 is to go through it all again feels like being back at the start of a whole new wildly emotional ride. Treatments are crazy expensive and although every parent loves their first, I think for many there is always a longing for another. To be stripped of the right to “choose” to have more is devastating in itself and hard no matter if you have one child or more.

Laura 7 months ago

I’m here to say me too – to all those things – the guilt, the sorrow, the gratitude, and again, the guilt. I got pregnant so easily with my son that I never imagined it would be a problem to have another. We struggled through the few fertility treatments we could squeeze in before I turned 40 (our state’s insurance deadline) – nothing. A few months later I found out I was pregnant – only to miscarry at 8 weeks.

We then made the decision to stop trying. It hasn’t been easy. I still get emotional sometimes. And I still feel horribly guilty that my son will be “alone” and then horribly guilty that those thoughts imply that he’s not enough. But it’s better today than it was yesterday and so on.

I do wish more people would talk about secondary infertility because I think we really do feel alone. Like you said, it’s hard to complain when you know you have more than so many others will. Even with the miscarriage – I had friends who had multiple and friends who had stillborns. It didn’t seem right to cry after a single one at 8 weeks. It’s a strange limbo to be in.

Laurie Barkdoll 7 months ago

As an only child, not to diminish anyone’s pain of not being able to conceive when they want to, I need to say that I have never felt alone. Being an only child is not a disability, and if it turns out that your child is an only, I can guarantee you that they will be fine, and will only be “alone” if they so choose to be. We don’t know any different, so we don’t mourn not having a sibling like you mourn us not having one.

Beth Rogers 7 months ago

We skipped directly to adoption with our first…no testing, no drugs and we received an amazing, beautiful perfect daughter. I wanted to experience pregnancy and wanted a sibling so IVF we went… thankfully we were blessed 6 years after our daughter with a son. Now? I want to experience it again. Can we? No, so the heart ache is real, no matter your story or your journey and it is up to NO ONE to judge or give opinions on “be happy with what you have” because I am thankful, everyday. Doesn’t mean the void stops

Tracey K 7 months ago

It is so true. My son was 3 when we started trying for a 2nd. After several losses and being 40, we resigned that we were only going to have one. It is so hard when people say, “Be grateful you have your son!” Uhm, yeah, that’s why it hurts so much. After so many years of losses, fertility drugs (my FSH was 32?! the RE said anything over a 9, & she recommends donor egg) and being told I was sailing into perimenopause. I had my daughter at 42 my son is 9. I am so grateful that she completes our family. I get it… only recently was I able to see a pg lady and smile instead of reign in a panic attack bookended by guilt, anger & shame for feeling that way.

Nikki Sharpe 7 months ago

I had a very bad tubal pregnancy that ruptured with my second pregnancy. I was told having more children would be nearly impossible and it was very upsetting. Thankfully we did end up being able to have a second child but that scared and worried anxiousness plagued my pregnancy to the point I could barely enjoy it. I honestly feel terrible for anyone who wants a child and cannot have one, no matter how many they have already

Ashley Rungee 7 months ago

I had to with my second one. Now going through the debate over a 3rd I honestly didn’t like myself in fertility drugs. I felt crazy, but I like the idea of having another child

Leann Wobbe 7 months ago

we did clomid too.. and shots. No IVF though… I don’t think my body would tolerate it well. I’m not sure I’ll have to worry about having a second child though, we’re now divorced… and I’m not sure how willing the new guy will be to have another child.

Billie Weaver 7 months ago

Exactly! Like it’s upsetting any less…

Allison Menovich Kates 7 months ago

I had unexplained secondary infertility. I got pregnant quickly and easily the first time and assumed it would be the same the next time. Test after test after test showed that everything was normal. Doctors and specialists had no answers for me and grasped at straws for solutions. I felt like a failure, as a woman and as a mother, because I also wanted more than anything for my son to have a sibling. Finally, when we were about to give up and accept life as it was, I got pregnant again and now have two amazing boys, 6 years apart. Hang in there and good luck.

Tracey Layman 7 months ago

This goes with yesterday’s post about ‘the void’ – it’s hard when others used to ask when the next one was coming. Now that I know what caused my secondary infertility I realize how much a blessing and miracle the first one was. <3 strong mamas

Cory Wetzel 7 months ago

Reading this article was like having the right words and feelings pulled right from my head and heart. The gluttonous struggle is real!

Nicole Marie Pastier 7 months ago

I had infertility issues as well. I was told at 19 that I could not get pregnant without IVF, as I wasn’t producing any eggs even on Clomid. At 25 I gave birth to a baby girl. My husband and I then worked with a fertility specialist trying for baby number 2, it took almost 3 year’s and a lot of I injections. We are now pregnant with baby number 2. A good doctor will help you through your fertility issues. Have faith, and don’t let yourself get discouraged

Johnna Gutierrez Sloop 7 months ago

It took us 4-1/2 yrs and four losses before we were blessed with our second. Even though I am now 40 and we haven’t used birth control in 3 yrs, I am still just a bit disappointed every month. I am so incredibly grateful for my two incredible boys but I think I will always feel that our family was meant for one more.

Brittnie Blankenship 7 months ago

Thank you! I hope so part of me says stay hopeful another part say just give it saves you the heartache.

Angela Haney 7 months ago

Amen. So sorry for your struggle. It’s a woman thing, I’ve been blessed with 4 beautiful babies and want more. Thoughts and prayers your way

Wendolyn 7 months ago

This is my worst fear, this is the reason why I’m an only child myself. I’ve seen my mom struggle, she NEVER went to see a baby in it’s first months, my son was the first newborn she held in 15 years and she was very proud, but I saw the pain. I want more children, IF possible. Now it’s financially a struggle with one child, but everything inside me oozes this fear, the intense fear that he will be my only child, that I have the same as my mother. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this story

Sarah Koebler 7 months ago

My heart hurts for people experiencing this. I am in the same boat of desiring another child, just one more, and can’t. Not due to infertility, but as a single mom of 2, and the window of motherhood closing fast, I get it. And the “You don’t really need another one” comments are more hurtful than anything. Because theres an empty space for a child to fill in our hearts.

Tracey Manella 7 months ago

((hugs)) to all of you.

Nichole Webster 7 months ago

This. So much this, except I was 23 when I started struggling, and people couldn’t register the fact that I was having complications so young. It hurts no matter the age.

Jessica Holden Lauderdale 7 months ago

I wish you well! Praying for you to blessed with another little one:)

Christina Ferris 7 months ago

Luckily I’m fertile mertile.never had this issue but I’m sure it’s awful to go through

Jessica Holden Lauderdale 7 months ago

I have 2 teenagers. I feel like I’m “not allowed” to want another child. I am almost 37 and I guess things don’t happen as easily now. Maybe I’m just supposed to have 2.. I love them more than life. But I want another. And that shouldn’t be shamed.

Karla Vanessa Lynch 7 months ago

I could have wrote this post. I feel the same way and going through the same thing.

Jennifer Perzanowski Giannina 7 months ago

Took us three years after actively trying for a second. Son was 6 when his sister arrived and now 5 years later I wouldn’t have it any other way!! They fight with each other but they are best friends and would do anything for each other!!

Sharon Pearlstein 7 months ago

one was enough, lots of people on the planet, the world is going nutty, economy in the toilet. had first at 22, was pregnant with a 2nd child at age 39 1/2, miscarried. as much as i had wanted another when i was in a better place in life it obviously wasn’t meant to be and i accepted that. i have grandkids now & all is well. we all want a lot of things that just don’t work out or aren’t meant to happen, not just children

Leah Spina 7 months ago

I am so sorry and do not belittle any woman’s desire to have another child, even if they have a child. Each struggle and desire is real, despite comparison with those that might “suffer more.” I am blessed with two healthy little ones but suffered a miscarriage and had a hard time conceiving afterwards. I learned so many lessons during that time, and most importantly, empathy for those that wish for more children. I pray you are comforted during this time no matter the outcome. One thing that helped me was to, as much as possible, turn my grief or fear or sadness to JOY by savoring each ordinary, extraordinary moment with the child God gave me. It took time, but now I enjoy my children more because I tasted loss and a difficulty conceiving. I can never, ever take having a child for granted or a “normal” or “given” adulthood experience. Oh no, it is a gift to be savored each day. Praise God for the gift of a child! How blessed we are to be parents!

Michelle Smith 7 months ago

Just hoping to have 1 more my needs a brother or sister hoping it will happen

Jess Brankamp 7 months ago

Thank you, thank you for posting. This is what my family is going through, and we’re at the beginning of our SI journey. We plan to foster with the option to foster to adopt if we try for a year or two longer with no success.

Jessica Holden Lauderdale 7 months ago

Thank you!!

Jessica McNatt 7 months ago

This hit me right in the gut with all the feels.

Jill Hoover 7 months ago

My infertility is secondary. My daughter was soooooo easy. We have been trying 6 years now did IUI and stimulated cyles and all the testing. I am still in my 20s.

Leana Hough 7 months ago

This was me exactly. Thank you for this article.

Shaye Boucher 7 months ago

Took 6 years to have #1 (tried everything!) and 18 months & 3 more losses before #2 (Femara baby) came along. The pain of secondary infertility is real. Your heart wants what it wants. While for me it was not the same as when trying to conceive the first, it still was agonizing in a whole new way. Being told, “At least you have one!” implying I was greedy, made me angry. There was nothing wrong with wanting my daughter to have a sibling!

Nicole Kane 7 months ago

This scares me. It took fertility drugs & procedure to conceive #1. Don’t think I can handle that for a 2nd time

Brittnie Blankenship 7 months ago

I have a 6 year old son (from my first marriage) i got an IUD because i wanted to be “responsible” and wait to have another baby till he was out of diapers. Im working on year 4 of unexplained secondary infertility . No one can tell me why my husband and i have both been checked even went through a year of Clomid and nothing. I had a miscarriage in November last year. That’s the only sign of hope we’ve had. Even my doctor has given up. Told me at our last visit the only thing he could do for me now was refer me to a IUI specialist. Im heart broken and trying to make peace the best i can. But i have to say its so nice to know I’m not alone because this can feel very lonely most the time so thank you for this

Rebecca 7 months ago

13 years. That is the age difference between my daughters. I started trying when my oldest was 1. When she was 10 I truly gave up. I get the fear, the anger and the pain. Now as I hold my 14 month old little girl I look at my almost 14 year old big girl I smile and I cry. I’m 13 weeks pregnant. Life is so out of our control.

Elina Ashton Pavic 7 months ago

This one really hits home. I am terrified to leave my daughter “alone”

Olivia Primo 7 months ago

Sigh I thought the day would never come and i felt so alone in the process but thankfully we are finally waiting on our second to join us in april. I know it hurts but don’t forget to enjoy life.

Lyn 7 months ago

This is excatly how I feel! Dh and I had ds in mid 2013 and we have been ttc since the start of 2014 and nothing! I am 21 & he is 23! We have actually given up and I got the iud because we couldnt handle the “I am pregnant” every month.

Erin Iles 7 months ago

I am blessed with three children including identical twins (all naturally). We struggle with this now and I get the “why do you even want another one? Just be happy with what you have.” While, I am happy, very happy, I’m allowed to want another child.

Crystal Scott Holder 7 months ago

I can relate so well. I had a miscarriage before my oldest 2. After I remarried, It took a while to conceive and I had 2 miscarriages before finally being able to have 2 more kids. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard this time around…

Melissa 7 months ago

I really needed this today. I just finished filling out the 9 page questionnaire for my upcoming initial visit to a reproductive specialist. We have an amazing 2.5 year old little guy but in the past year of TTC, 2 miscarriages in 6 months are weighing me down. I swear everyone I know is pregnant. My husband is awesome but I think he’s afraid to see me cry anymore. No one told me about secondary infertility but I’m so thankful SM can help me feel less alone.

khaleesi 7 months ago

Yeah, I’m one of those people that can’t get the secondary infertility craziness. Consider yourself lucky to have 1! Seriously. Do you know how many people never get even that?

Amy Marie Cook 7 months ago

It took me six years to get pregnant again, I thought it would be smooth sailing and easy like my first pregnancy omg I was so wrong!

Michelle Eden-Duval 7 months ago

! My first i got pregnant month one. two years later it took 9 months and a miscarriage for baby number two (i know that isn’t long, compared to most but still stressful) every month waiting and hoping.

Leann Wobbe 7 months ago

this makes me nervous, as i already had fertility issues with the first.

Amelia 7 months ago

It’s like you wrote this about my life. 3 months ago I’m sitting in a convalescent home with my grandpa and his roommate’s daughter spends the entire visit lamenting about how she is an only child, going through this all alone, to be left alone after she loses her parents. I’m like LOOK LADY YOU ARE MY WORST FEAR RIGHT NOW, I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.
*sigh*
It doesn’t help my daughter’s biggest dream in life is a sibling. Cards are stacked against me here.

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Roxanne 8 months ago

Beautifully written! My husband and I are struggling with secondary infertility also.

Monica 9 months ago

I could have written this myself. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Alex 10 months ago

This is so beautifully written and really hits the nail on the head. We dealt with unexplained secondary infertility for over 2 years before I got finally got pregnant with our second little boy (we conceived #1 with no issues). Secondary infertility is just not talked about, and I found I wasn’t welcome on many infertility forums because I already had a child.

I had to mourn the age gap I thought would be perfect and now we’re dealing with the financial eye-roll that comes with car seats that will expire before our youngest outgrows them.

My journey with infertility was just a taste of what so many women go through and I’m incredibly thankful that we were able to overcome it. Crossing my fingers and toes (camel toe too!) that you’ll get a sibling for your little girl soon!

Jasmine 10 months ago

I too was in this position for soo long I cringed each time my baby sister announced another pregnancy. I became pregnant with number two when my first was four. I had a miscarraige the same week I found out I was finally pregnant. I then spent the next four years watching my sister have three babies. Even my husbands nieces had babies three each. I just wanted to scream. I finally gave up trying. I thought it must not ne in the cards for me. Then last July I found out I was pregnant we now have our second son nine years after the first! We havent offically agreed we are done but I think I could be happy with just two kids.

Christi 10 months ago

Thank you for this. I’ve been going through the same things and having all the same feelings. It really hit close to home as I have been struggling with secondary fertility issues for the past 2 years. I’m 37 and just month shy of turning 38. I had my daughter back in January 2010 – I was 33 years old. My pregnancy with her was overall healthy and fine. I as so grateful to have her considering that in late 2008, I suffered a molar pregnancy, which was completely devastating. After I healed from the molar pregnancy, we started trying right away and got pregnant in 3 months! I never expected I would later have problems conceiving a second. We started trying for #2 when she was 2.5 years old. She’ll be 5 soon. The doctors have told me the same thing…poor ovarian reserve (higher than normal FSH, low AMH). It breaks my heart every time she talks about being a big sister. I would love more than anything to grant that wish, for her and my little family. It’s so hard especially since it seems like everyone else I know is getting pregnant with either their 2nd or 3rd. I am grateful for my many blessings and the gift of my wonderful, healthy, and happy daughter, but I heart still aches to have another. I read so many stories of families overcoming secondary infertility naturally or with the help of fertility treatments despite doctors telling them the possibility is next to none. I don’t want to believe that it’s over for us. I don’t feel ready to give up. We will continue trying with hope and faith in our hearts that it will happen for us again. To those who are struggling with the same thing, I hope and pray things work out in your favor.

Sarah 10 months ago

My heart aches for you. I am worried about the day my 3 year old boy asks for a sibling. It terrifies me. You’re not alone xx

Sarah 10 months ago

I am so grateful I found you Amy. I am dealing with the same thing and can relate to everything you said. I am 37, conceived my son naturally on the first go and when he was 2 we started trying again. We weren’t in a rush. I thought it would happen straight away. We are now 18 months down the track, with 1 ectopic, 2 failed fresh IVF cycles, and 2 failed FET’s.

My heart aches every time there is a new announcement that a friend is pregnant. I am happy for them but upset that it isn’t happening for me. My ovaries want to shout – “hey get back in the queue!”.

I hate when people say “at least you have one”. Well, yes I’m very lucky and grateful I have a beautiful son. He is my miracle (I can see that now in hindsight) but it doesn’t stop the desire for another baby, to experience another miracle and it doesn’t stop the desire to complete our family. Anything that starts with “at least…” is bound to make me want to jump down your throat. Or make me cry.

No one understand “secondary infertility”. No one talks about this struggle. Instead you stuffer alone while people treat you like the elephant in the room. Thank you for bringing it out into the open.

Tove M Stakkestad 12 months ago

Thank you for sharing so honestly… I love reading everything you publish. I hope you have an easy journey!

sara 1 year ago

Thank you for writing this Amy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I had my daughter in 2010 after our first attempt at ICSI, I still can’t believe it worked and she is here. We tried FET in feb 2013 which failed and have been trying naturally to conceive ever since. I got my period yesterday so now I give up!, we’re going back to clinic soon to try IVF or ICSI again as soon as we can, I just wish it didn’t cost so much. Most nights I can’t sleep for wanting another baby so much, I need my daughter to have a sibling to grow up with, I don’t feel like I am finished with having babies yet but also feel selfish as I know many people never have and never will even have one baby. I feel very jealous of friends who can conceive naturally and very angry with people who have kids so easily and don’t look after them properly of just live off benefits on purpose. I must stop that though, nothing I can do about it. I wish someone could help me pay for my next lot of treatment but no can do, we will have to get a loan. Its really helped reading your story tonight, thank you Amy x

shannon 1 year ago

I can relate to everything in the article. I now have 4 years worth of girls stuff piling up waiting for our second that isn’t coming but I cant come to terms with getting rid of it yet. The real kicker is we got pregnant the first month of trying last time. I have a girlfriend that keeps saying it must be extra hard for you since got pregnant so easy last time – I don’t find this to be a helpful comment. Thanks for the article.

Kathryn 1 year ago

I was one of those women who got pregnant on the first try and had a healthy pregnancy and baby. I still conceive easily but had suffered 4 consecutive losses. I don’t know why my body keeps failing me.
Thank you for writing this. It doesn’t ease the pain but it is nice to know I am not alone.

Tia 1 year ago

Man I feel like you are in my head. The atleast you have one irritates me. I hate that my feelings and emotions do not matter because “I already have one.”

Candice 1 year ago

Secondary infertility is the hardest thing ever- I have a child and I know I should be grateful but all I think is that it is so damn unfair! With primary infertility you never know what you are missing and -yes I know that sounds harsh!- but I want a second more than I wanted my first and trust me I was desperate for my first. Thanks for this post it helps to finally read about fertility issues for those who already have a child. I don’t have to feel guilty about how I feel when “there are women out there who don’t even have one”! I look at friends family photos and get jealous, I want to punch friends who say “we are pregnant with our second/third/fifth”, and worst of all I watch my angel getting older and older every damn day and know that the Gap widens and the closeness of that sib bond diminishes and changes with every unsuccessful cycle.

Missy 1 year ago

Thank you so much for this post. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out because you just put into words exactly how I feel going through all this. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and would love nothing more than to give her a sibling and be able to add to our family,but it just hasn’t happened yet. I’m terrified of the prospect of not being able to have another baby and it is definitely a difficult place to be. I am forever grateful that I at least have her and I cherish every single moment with her, but it doesn’t lessen the pain from not being able to conceive again.

Zoe 1 year ago

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kt 1 year ago

Thank You. Thank you so much. We’ve been trying since ds was 21 months old. Naturally pregnant the 2nd month but I didn’t know yet I was pregnant and I lost the baby early due to some medication I was taking. Not “oh, some babies just don’t take early on” it was 100% due to the medicine. And while I feel so guilty, I was just 31 so I thought I had time. Now 4 failed IVFs later, not to mention 3 failed IUIs, and hubby having ball surgery, I’m 35 and feel hopeless. DS weekly asks for a brother. We try not to dwell on it, but seems like there are pregnant woman and babies everywhere.

kelljz 1 year ago

This hit me like a brick! My husband and I have been trying to have another baby since my daughter was 6 months old. We wanted two children about a year apart. That never happened. My daughter just turned five. We tried on our own for a year then saw a doctor. After years of fertility drugs and two surgeries for endometriosis I am starting to feel as though it will never happen. My husband is ten years older than I am and I am starting to feel as though I am running out of time. My friends can’t understand why I could have one child and not be able to have another, I am constantly angry when I find out anyone is pregnant and feel as though they are smearing it in my face when they tell me. That isn’t even the worst part. I die a little bit inside each time my daughter curls up in my lap and cries while telling me she wishes she could have a brother or sister, and also when I constantly watch her play with her “brother or sister” that is not really there. I am glad to know that I am not the only one experiencing this problem.

Bridget7575@hotmail.com 1 year ago

I too suffer from Secondary Infertility. (Also had Primary IF) After years of fertility treatments I’ve pretty much given up. I have a three year old little boy who is my life and that I’m so thankful for. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone even though I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Thanks for sharing your story.

Mrs Nutz 2 years ago

I felt like I was reading my story. Thanks you for sharing.

bct 2 years ago

It’s incredible how you managed to cover every single thought that I beat myself up with everyday in one article. Uncanny, actually. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone in this journey.

Stacey Lynn Carbajal 2 years ago

WOW, Thank you. It is amazing. After three years of infertility before getting lucky with my daughter who is now 4. I was to easy to forget that I am not alone and that there are others who are going threw the same thing. I find myself crying and angry when I get my hopes ups but I am not ready to give up on them and get rid of all of her baby stuff that we have a storage unit for. What hurts even more is that God has told her that she is having a sister and while we are out and about she does not understand why we can not shop for her. She has been window shopping for over a year and I have to say I am ready to join her for real. As she gets older she is seeing other moms and kids get excited about new siblings and asks when her sister is finally going to be in my belly. I die as I choke back the tears and tell her that God is not ready with her yet. I just hope I am not lying to her. Thanks again. I really needed the reassurance that I am not alone in this. and while my family and friends may not realize how hard it is I know that there are others who do.
With Love and Hope for a Brighter tomorrow,
Stacey

Erika 2 years ago

Like most of the other women who commented, I, too, am so grateful that you articulated all of the struggles that have been clogging my brain for the past 2+ years. I shared your article with my closest friends, as a way of both sharing my feelings and thanking them for their constant and endless support. It takes a village.

Anonymous 2 years ago

Not sure many men would also comment here but as a Dad who would like to be again we feel many of the same things. 2 years a fertility treatments and plenty of old fashioned trying and still we have no results.
While I can't put it as eloquently as you we are saddened, confused, depressed and angry. We are out of money and medical insurance and now saving in the hopes of doing IVF. At 36 we've got a little time left but its dwindling fast.
Here's to the best of luck for both of us.

Nina 2 years ago

This is why I’m such a fan of yours, Amy. I can’t relate to infertility issues but I feel like I’ve just glimpsed the feelings potentially running through your heart. Oh, how I hope you have #2! I’m cheering for you, yet I know that things always work out somehow too.

Katie 2 years ago

I wish I had time to read the comments but my work place probably wants me to work so I’ll just say this…
You’ve hit EVERY emotion I’ve been having these past few months and it’s so helpful to know that I’m not alone. I had my first at 34 but took my own sweet time to start trying again. By the time we started (at 38), it just wasn’t happening. I beat myself up all the time for waiting so long (even though I know I was not even close to being ready for a second) and my heart aches every time my son says he wishes he has a little brother or sister. :( Thank you so much for sharing your story and for putting my emotions into words. I may send this to my husband and some close friends with the message “THIS. This is how I feel.”

Sandy 2 years ago

I had my first daughter at 32 (she was an “accident”, I was on BC and unmarried). I got married at 34 and we immediately started trying. I thought it would be a breeze to get pregnant again. After several miscarriages and one molar pregnancy we stopped actively trying. When my oldest was 10, my husband and I had an off hand conversation on how we would not want to start all over again. No way! No how! Guess what. My second daughter was born a month before my 44th birthday and just celebrated her 5th birthday. I worried about the age difference, needlessly as it turned out. There is still the sibling rivalry and sibling squabbles and little sis is so excited when big sis will let her “play” in her room. I wish all the best to the other moms trying! I know how heartbreaking and discouraging it can be.

Meredith 2 years ago

There’s a lot of ways to have babies. And siblings. Don’t throw out that crib. I suspect you’re going to need it. Somehow.

xo
Meredith

Shana 2 years ago

I’m 41 yrs old and I have a couple of miscarriages. I have an amazing daughter, journey! Thank you for sharing, bc I am just starting my fertility treatments and this is my last shot. Just wish we had a support group bc I feel alone in this until now…crying and typing first for me…

Linda Talmon 2 years ago

I went thru this too! 3 years of trying and I gave up, content with knowing I have one beautiful baby. Then I got pregnant and miscarried, which I thought for sure was my confirmation on not having another child. 3 months later I was pregnant again and we were blessed with another child, who was born with several problems relating to her stomach and it's muscles causing non-stop screaming and crying 24-7 for the first 2 years of her life. Did I mention she never slept? 6 years after her birth, I wouldn't change a thing, however, it did make me leery on the idea, "be careful what you wish for." Good luck to all who have this struggle. While you may want more, being content with your blessings is enough. <3

Amy @ Carriag Before Marriage 2 years ago

Veronica that’s wonderful news. Thanks for sharing your story. If we ever manage a second child, I think I’ll end up grateful for the age gap too.

Veronica 2 years ago

Wow Amy. I know how you feel. I’m only 25 but when I tried for number two and nothing happened i felt betrayed by my own body. My Gynae said I’m infertile and i refused to believe it. My perfect little family with two year gap was not happening and I was majorly depressed.

People tried to comfort me but always said the wrong things. At the start of the year, after 3 years of trying (which must seem nothing compared to what you went through, I fell pregnant. Only days after confirming my pregnancy, I found out my pregnancy wasn’t progressing and I will have a miscarriage. Waiting for it to happen was the most horrific thing I ever experienced. A mom at my son’s school fell pregnant at the same time. I kept thinking, I’d be that far now. It was torture.

By a miracle, I fell pregnant without treatment 3 months later. I had given up, I had decided, that’s it, my son is gonna be an only child, I can’t do this any longer (queue great rages of sobs and dismay followed by it’s gonna be ok’s, I’ll be ok’s.). I’m now at the halfway mark (take a few days) and I’m terrified of something happening to this precious gift I’ve been given. He’ll be born just after his big brother’s 5th birthday. (not the gap I wanted but probably the gap I needed) We’ve decided to call him Angelo. He’s like an angel sent from on high to bless his mom with an answer to long nights of tearful prayers. He keeps me going everyday (he also makes me ridiculously dizzy everyday and kept me worshiping the porcelain goddess for my entire first trimester and part of the second but I wouldn’t change it for the world).

Just know not every mom out there is going you already have one so be grateful. There are some who understand and who can relate. I feel for you because I’ve been there. There’s a club, the second infertility club and you can’t join it till you join it. It’s tough and you may always be a member of the club with no progress but now, you’re never alone!

Ale Lue 2 years ago

Our daughter is 2 1/2 now & we’ve been trying for another. My kiddo is so lonely because we recently moved away from friends & family. We’ve been trying to give her a playmate, a partner in crime, but if that doesn’t happen, I’d love to adopt. I & my younger sister were raised by my grandmother & 3 of my siblings were given up for adoption. They found loving homes & were able to thrive.

Naomi 2 years ago

Amy thanks so much for this great article.
My story does have a happy ending, but nevertheless I shared many of your experiances. I have 5 years between my first two and 2 years between the second and third. But, I went through a lot of the problems you describe before having my second and also somewhat before having my first.
I am extremely grateful for my magical family, but the age gap has influinced a lot of things in our life. It is something I am often aware of, especially when I see what’s its like with my two youngest. I never felt like everyone else. I also felt very alone. I couldn’t relate to other parent’s experiences as well. It’s just something that’s there and is sometimes significant. It affects the dynamic in the family. As my kids get older it will continue to be significant at times. Whether its struggling to find family outings for different ages or family vacations that a teenager is interested in. Watching everyone else’s kids have their own kids at the same times or having one child in college loosing their closeness with the others. I know these are all things that should work out, but there are still times when I feel really different from everyone else and as though our family, and my oldest child missed out and will miss out on a lot of the typical sibling experiences you have when you have a sibling who is 2-3 years apart from you. And the bottom line is that it hurts.
I wish you all the best in this journey.

Linda Fleming 2 years ago

Thank you for writing this. My experience is similar. I had my son at 40 and really wanted a second child, mostly for myself, because I am loving every minute of parenting the one that I have. The second child and adoption slid out of sight, as my relationship with my son's father collapsed. My son is now 11. I am trying to make peace with just having the one, because I have to, but it is really hard. Everything that you said about this is so true, from the guilt 'cos you have one and some people don't even have that, to the envy of others who get to debate whether to have a third or more…..

Kelly 2 years ago

Secondary infertility is an experience one never forgets! It took us 4 yrs and 3 miscarriages to add to our family. The 3rd miscarriage was 10yrs ago this month. I remember not quite fitting in w/ the mothers of 2 or more, everyone else getting preggers…I even looked at my spayed cat and asked if she was next, surely she’d get knocked up before me. Oh yes, and being told I should be thankful for the one I do have. Such a damn insult that is. Thank you, I am; there are more children for me to have and gollygee I need to work pray struggle cry crawl a desert swim an ocean climb a mountain for them. Our second IUI resulted in healthy b/g twins, and they are 8 now. Onceuponatime I wanted no more than a 3yr age gap between 1 and 2, but dd was 6 when they were born. With twins, that age was perfect! Backseat fights still exist, and I love being the referee and spectator of my 3 kids’ interactions. They drive me nuts at times, but there is never a bad day for me. Never.

Meghan 2 years ago

Hi, I am a momma to 4 who has never been preggers but my sister had SI. She ended up having high prolactin levels due to a benign tumor on her pituitary gland. She took bromocryptine(sp) and also the lowest level of Synthroid for hypothyroidism. Have you had extensive bloodwork done to see if these may be a cause. I pray you can add to your family…I too felt the need to not stop til my oldest had a sibling and am happy to say he has 3 through the miracle of adoption. GOOD LUCK

Rebekah 2 years ago

Thank you! It’s so nice to find others who relate! I’ve just been realizing that for the past few months most of my energy has been focused on having another baby. Because of that focus I’m failing to really see the gift God has already given me to take care of. While I still yearn for another child I want to pour myself into the one standing right in front of me. She needs me so I’m trying to shift my focus…or should I say balance it a little more. I want to give my best to her because she deserves it.
I hope things work out for you too!!!

Gerri Thompson 2 years ago

I share your joy and misery…it took 10 yrs to get pregnant at age 35. I was so shocked that I waited over 2 months to take the test…kept thinking "it can't be". I still consider her my miracle baby=she is 22 now. I never got pregnant again. Some things are just God's way and we can't change them. I am so overjoyed to have my one daughter that I don't miss her brother or sister. Always enjoy your stories.

Audrey Hulsey 2 years ago

At least good to know we have lots of company in the infertility world; it makes you feel so alone. For the past 15 years we haven't used any type of birth control and have two children which are here because of IVF. When people tell me to watch out it can happen at any time, I want to scream.

Britt Elder Tennyson 2 years ago

Love this.

Amy Wruble 2 years ago

I hope so!

Amy Wruble 2 years ago

Thanks Amy

Funny Is Family 2 years ago

Oh, Amy. You have such a wonderful way of bringing us into your life, and I can feel your worries and your sadness. I hope your girl gets her sibling, and thank you for giving a voice to so many parents struggling with this difficult issue. Beautifully written, as always!

Grace | Yummy Baby Gifts™ 2 years ago

I love your response. I do wish everyone great success as well, but if it doesn’t happen, it’s the way it’s supposed to be. We can’t control who gets pregnant or not… or have a girl or boy. Your only child is there for a special reason, beyond what we can comprehend I’m sure. :)

Amy @ Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

Rebekah, I love the way you put that – I also worry that the obsessive drive to make another baby takes time and energy away from caring for my daughter. I especially felt that way during the fertility treatments. Luckily our kids are young, resilient and probably won’t remember. I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you!

Lisa Neuman 2 years ago

I wish you and all the posters who are commenting regarding the same situations absolute success in getting the siblings for their children. HOWEVER, if it is not to be, take comfort in knowing that your solitary kids will NOT be "left alone". They will find their soul mates and build and share their lives together, and hopefully provide you with a whole gaggle of grandchildren! :)

Krystal 2 years ago

My first child was born when I was 21. It took 7 more years to conceive another. I am now expecting #3 and I am 32 years old. I would not have planned my children so far apart nor would I have spent thousands on specialist that didn’t help. I just have to thank God that he saw fit to bless me with more children in his time and not when I wanted them.

Amy @ Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

Michelle, someone as kind and thoughtful as you are is probably not sticking her foot in it too badly! I’d just tell her your friend that your heart goes out to her and that you would love to listen whenever she needs to talk. Ask if there is anything you can do to help. Maybe there is.

Sandy Crunkilton Pirwitz 2 years ago

We went through the same thing back in the late 60's. Took us a year, but the feeling when you find out you're not pregnant is hard to describe.

Virginia Llorca 2 years ago

I had a girl when I was 21 and another girl 16 and 1/2 years later (assisted). I tried to give her a sibling but decided if it wasn’t going to be born before her second birthday to stop trying. It didn’t happen. Deciding I was through felt really good. It’s fine. I tend to be a waffler at decision making time, so drawing a line was a relief. I suppose, if I didn’t have to go to a lab to try for number three, I might have tried a bit longer.

Amy @ Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

Love your site…inspiring.

Marie 2 years ago

I loved this. I actually had three I’m four years with no problems. I am only 30. Now….I keep miscarrying. I feel guilty for having three and still being upset over not having another yet. Thanks for sharing

Rebekah 2 years ago

I’m so glad you wrote this. I feel so alone on my journey sometimes. My daughter is 4 1/2 and we’ve been trying for about a year now for another one. I’ve had one surgery to remove cysts from both ovaries, have endometriosis and adenomyosis, PCOS, just found out my tubes are clear but they did find uterine fibroids. Seems like the odds are stacked against me but I’m still holding onto faith and hope that I will have another. I’m also going on 35 and feel like I’m getting too old…and so are my eggs! I thank God everyday for the gift of my daughter and don’t want to neglect her in what feels like an obsession for another one. Thank you again for voicing everything I’ve been feeling. May God bless you with the desire of your heart and all the women who are experiencing the same thing!!

Amy @ Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

The catch 22 of the try/don’t try…yes!

Amy @ Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

Yup!

Krisi Newbold Vadnais 2 years ago

I LOVE this article. I am also an emotional nitwit when it comes to talking about babies. I have one son, and we are trying for baby #2. I thought that we would have another one by now. Everytime someone says, "When are you going to have another one? The window is closing for the 'perfect' age difference.". I want to scream at them, "Don't you think that we ARE trying? Do you want to come and console me every freakin month we don't get pregnant? If it was a matter or wanting it bad enough, I would have already had 3 more! Or the "just stop trying, and that is when it will happen" comment. Really? It is hard enough to try every month. If we give up trying, then all hope is gone. I am NOT ready to admit defeat! Thank you for writing what so many women are feeling!

Lynn Everett 2 years ago

Almost exactly two years ago, my mind was blown when I found out we were pregnant again. We had a ten-year-old only child at the time, and had started trying for a second child when he was three. Seven years and nothing! Then it happened out of nowhere. So . . .there’s always hope. : ) If God wants it to happen, it will. And if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Only children can be just as happy and amazing as silbinged children.

Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

I'm with you. I don't want to pressure my daughter, but if she wants kids, I'm going to tell her the truth about age and fertility.

Angela McHaney Valavanis 2 years ago

Beautifully expressed. I had two miscarriages between my two kids, and it was a tough road. Best wishes to you.

Amanda Pitts 2 years ago

great post, just one question- Have you thought about adopting? There are so many infants that need a family to call their own…

SLS 2 years ago

Going through this right now actually. We struggled to have our first. Finally got pregnant, now we’re struggling to have our second. My age and my medical problems don’t help matters either. I want my daughter to have a sibling so bad. I want us to be a larger family, but b/c of my health problems only getting worse with age, we just don’t know if it’s going to happen and it hurts me to the core.
It really is disheartening when women from your group can get pregnant with no issues or on accident (which is most infuriating, especially if they didn’t even want another child), while you’re sitting there chugging on your decaff coffee, avoiding alcohol like it’s the plague, popping every supposed fertility boosting herbal pill out there and wondering when you should ring up a doctor so they can stick a dildocam up your junk.

Amy @ carriage before marriage 2 years ago

That is really good to hear, Kerry.

Rachelle Rappoport Simon 2 years ago

Thank you for posting this. I was in the exact same position. 1st baby at 40 and tried within 6 mos for another. Fertility doctors, adoption agencies, then lawyers. We wanted a sibling for our son so badly we were desperate and thought we would stop at nothing. The realization that what is meant to be was meant to be in our case was a long process of angst, guilt and finally acceptance. My now 11 year old is happy, smart with lots of friends and very very close cousins. I was also obsessed with the morbid thought of leaving him alone but we are all making our way and happy and in love with our family, however it turned out. Definitely not my vision but my happy reality. I wish you alot of luck and hope that your dream comes true the way you hoped, if not find the reality of the dream you have. Best wishes and lots of love-

Elisabetta Mckendrick 2 years ago

Dear Marion!!!!!!!blessings!

Elizabeth George 2 years ago

So many women feel this pain but feel they have to hide it bc they already have one. But the pain is real. Best of luck to you all.

http://www.fertilityafter40.com/

Lawry 2 years ago

Swap your daughter for my son and I swear you read my mind..he started Kindergarten this year and I die everytime I have to go to school and face those questions. Thank You for putting a voice to this (((hugs)))

Mom 2 be 2 years ago

Thank you,, I needed this I’m struggling with secondary infertility too and currently going through IVF,,, I need prayers,, I have an amazing girl and then two miscarriages and for the past three years nothing, no pregnancies,,, and not know why!! is the hardiest thing to try to wrap your brain around,, why??? I feel bad because I see others that have done it so easily,,then silently hate them for having it and not being grateful every waking moment

Marion MacDonald 2 years ago

As the mom of a 12 yr old who can't seem to have anymore babies, I totally understand:(

Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

I don't think most people realize what a tall order "Why don't you have another one?" can be. I'm glad it worked out for you and hope you heal soon – not easy being at less than 100% when you're a mom.

Michelle 2 years ago

My heart goes out to you and all the other women. <3

I have good friends that are also going through this struggle. Their daughter and my youngest are BFF's. They have been to countless doctors and have been unable to have another child. I feel guilty talking to them about my children, sometimes I am at a loss as to what to say. I don't want to offend them, or seem like I'm rubbing salt in the wound. I have though about offering surrogacy, but it is not legal in our state. Also, how do you bring that up to someone going through this? Occasionally I'll ask how they are doing, then I feel like I stuck my foot in my mouth. I want them to know that I care. How can I help and support my friends?

Bridget Cecchini Lerette 2 years ago

Having been there myself, I admire your honesty and ability to get out of bed. I did not discuss my miscarriages or struggles much and the don't you ,think you daughter needs a sibling sent me on many a bathroom stall crying jag. Hopefully people reading this will think more carefully about what they say. By pure luck, I did manage to give my girl a little sister and they are wonderful to watch despite the longer age gap. She came at a cost (I am still recovering from a subarchnoid hemmorage in my brain from post-partum preeclampsia). Hopefully time will give you some peace.

Angela 2 years ago

Hello. :) I just had my second baby after almost 6 years since my first one. I am in my late 30s now (38 next week). I never did any fertility treatment, but I did see a specialist and get my mommy guts looked at, did the ovulation testing and sex on the correct days, etc for about a year (I never got a happy face once). I had PCOS and rare periods, which both were not a problem until after my first child was born. So I just stopped actively trying but wasn’t on any BC. I started eating cleaner, more organics and fewer processed foods. I also eliminated most chemicals from the household in cleaning products and beauty products. I did all that just for general health and some family issues, not for fertility. I am not by any means 100% a clean eater, but for the most part, the household is green and free of scary chemicals. Then, out of the blue 5 years and a month after my son was born, I got pregnant. I know the exact conception day, since some family stuff happened that kept any sexy time from happening other than this one day. The conception day did not match up to my period cycle, so my due date was changed right away to coincide with the first ultrasound measurements. It was a difference of 12 days. So this also showed that I ovulated really late. Not sure if I always did (when I got my period, that is), or if egg-laying was sporadic for me all along. (I 100% knew when I had my period that cycle, because I had been on vacation, and the crimson wave ruined the whole damn trip, literally from the day we landed until the day before we left!) The conception day was 26 days after my period had started. Then I wondered if I actually was ovulating when I was tracking it and testing, but I never tested that late in my cycle. So according to my period, my baby was due on the 15th, and according to the conception day and the ultrasound, my baby was due on the 27th. She was born after my water broke under the full moon on the 20th. :) Something else I had done with both pregnancies: swim in a hot tub. I just happened to put it together later, because I had been in a hot tub right after my period both pregnancies, and I got my period a few times after being in a hot tub in the days when I was never getting it. This all might sound like silly science, but it’s my story. :) All along, people asked me when I was going to have another one, and I said, “If it works out, it works out…” Then, when I had my daughter, people keep saying now that 5 years is the perfect amount of time in between. Everyone just says what worked for them. Thanks for a great read, and best of luck to you!

Tammy MacKinley 2 years ago

Thanks for shedding light on this topic. I think women are being fooled by a society that suggests we can have it all – partner, career, family. The fact of the matter is, a "womens" eggs are at their prime at the age of 18. Do the math. Women nowadays are waiting to have their children much, much later then that. Celebrity culture too fuels this notion that you can be a mom at 45. These stories fail to mention the journey that is infertility. My husband and I struggled to have our second child for three years. We were lucky and we are blessed with our daughter. I will tell my daughter about my struggles to have her at 35 and I will suggest to her to start her family earlier then I did, 30. My advice to all who are struggling to conceive is to try to live more in the present. Be at peace and in flow. Try to focus more on what you have in your life, rather then what you don't have.

Carriage Before Marriage 2 years ago

That is such a very long time to wait and hope, but how do you stop hoping? You can't. Moving might be smart for us too!

Amy Hernandez 2 years ago

I feel you at every turn. I had my daughter at 26. Prime time, kind of a "we weren't TRYING so much as we weren't NOT trying…" and even when I was still in the hospital recovering from a C-section I kept saying, "Oh, we'll do THIS next time…. Next time I'll know to ask for this…"
My daughter turns eleven in a week, and she's still our one and only. I refuse to give up hope until the day I hit menopause, but some days I SO want to just throw up my hands and admit defeat, but my stupid heart holds out hope. -and my daughters crib stood ready for her sibling until she was 7 years old and we had to move. Every time I looked at it, it made me cry, but taking it down was admitting it would never be filled again, and I just couldn't do it.

Alison 2 years ago

Thank you for this post. We are in the midst of the same thing, now doing our 3rd month of fertility treatments after 18 months of trying without success. We have a beautiful 2 ½ year old daughter, but I want so much for her to have a sibling. I know our family is not yet complete. It is painful every time I go on Facebook and see another friend/acquaintance posting that first ultrasound picture. I’ve started to talk more openly about undergoing fertility treatments, hoping that, aside from keeping me sane about it, maybe it will help another woman who isn’t as open feel like she isn’t alone. Good luck to you.

Lynn Druecker Grimes 2 years ago

I love this. Thank you for talking about this.

Noemi Skok 2 years ago

Everything you said is so true! This article really spoke to me. Thanks for your candor.

Michelle Merino 2 years ago

Wish you all the best. I'm ''not'' trying but we aren't doing anything to prevent another child. We both know we want more kids, it just yet hasn't happened. So, it does raise a concern but I brush it off and think, well God knows what he's doing and I do already have one boy. maybe right now is not the time, he's 2 years old. I thought that getting pregnant again would be a breeze, once you have your first all they mentioned at the hospital was BE WARNED, getting pregnant again CAN and WILL happen! I feel just like you, ''gosh i must be greedy' so Thank you for posting your article!! Wish us moms the best !!! All my love!

Dana H 2 years ago

Amy, yes, yes and yes. I was not able to carry another child past 9 weeks, and ended up with a hysterectomy ending my dream of giving my daughter a sibling. It still hurts…I count my many blessings and am grateful, but I mourn for the sibling relationship that she will never have. Good luck to you and may you find peace in whatever version of your life you find yourself.

Karla Martinez-Saxton 2 years ago

I have one wonderful little girl that i love even if she drives me crazy but seeing her play by her self makes me wish she had someone to play with. I admit i get upset when i see families with 2 or more kids, i feel old at my age not having more rugrats running around but i'm really thankful to have one at least that i can see grow up.

karla 2 years ago

I have one wonderful little girl that i love even if she drives me crazy but seeing her play by her self makes me wish she had someone to play with. I admit i get upset when i see families with 2 or more kids, i feel old at my age not having more rugrats running around but i’m really thankful to have one at least that i can see grow up.

Vikki 2 years ago

Wow, this brings up a fear of mine. I have one son who I had when I was 20. I’m now 33 and getting married in March, after which we will most likely start trying for my number 2 and his number 1. This fear of secondary infertility wasn’t really realized and I, too, thought after you’ve had one, perhaps the second is easy right? That’s how it always seems to happen… but reading your article and the comments from others who are in the same situation, I realize that there’s as much of a chance of me NOT having another one as there is of actually having another (and we’ve discussed having two more, not just one). I want my son to have siblings too, even though he’ll be at least 14 years older than they are, but still, he would be loving and supportive and just wonderful (my mom runs a daycare and he helps with the babies/ young children and they just love him). I would hate for him not to have that experience with his own sister or brother.

If you can’t have that #2 on your own, would you consider adopting? It would still give your daughter a sibling, he or she just wouldn’t be related by blood, but that bond could still be there…

Good luck with all that you are struggling with and I do hope that God blesses you all with your #2!

Melissa 2 years ago

Thank you for this post! It hits very close to home. We started trying for baby #2 when DS was 7mths old. We tried until he was 2.5yrs old. My period comes once in a blue moon so clearly, I rarely ovulate and DH works 1400 miles away and I only see him every 6 weeks.

What I can’t stand is how moms with more than one kid often feel superior to me. Like “REAL” moms have 2 or more kids. I’m every bit as much as a mother as all the rest! Sleepless nights, gassy screaming baby, sore nipples, 3yrs of changing diapers etc. Glad to know I’m not alone.

Natasha Wright 2 years ago

I'm right there with you. I have one child that is 6 1/2 and we have been trying since he turned three.

Jessica Cobb (@DomesticPirate) 2 years ago

It happens at any age, too. I was 21 when we started trying for our 2nd, and it took 12 months and a round of clomid for us to get pregnant again. Looking back, though I would never wish for a different outcome, I wish I knew then what I know now about how nutrition and general health affects fertility. Maybe we wouldn’t have needed medical intervention to have our second. We just had our 4th, and last, but it was frightening, wondering if we would have to go through the struggle and meds again to complete our family. Wishing you all the best.

Rachael 2 years ago

There is always a fight after every season when it comes time to pack up the clothes, I want to keep them (just in case) and my husband says to give them away. We’ve been trying for our 2nd for about a year now. Every month when I get breast tenderness before my period I squeeze my nipples to see if it feels like someone took a razor blade to them (it was my first sign of pregnancy with my son). When my period comes I cry. Every single month. Thank you so much for this post, I feel so guilty for my grief. It’s like the hug I needed today.

grownandflown 2 years ago

Amy, I have been in your shoes and understand the strong desire of wanting a sibling for your little girl. Each miscarriage is devastating during fertility treatment. I hope you are successful with your hopes and dreams for another.

Manday 2 years ago

Thanks for the post. We are in month 15 of trying for #2 (DS one was conceived with IVF). People tend to not get it, they think having one child should make it all OK and we should just be greatful for what we have, but life isn’t that simple. Its so painful to see other people with toddler’s my son’s age having their second kids, and not knowing if or when it will happen. And becaues I have one child, I feel like I am not allowed to complain about it or that complaining would imply I don’t love him. Ugh.

Robin 2 years ago

This is me to a T. Except for the fertility treatments which we couldn’t afford after my husband and I both lost our jobs and the health insurance we bought has no fertility coverage. I am now 43 and have resigned myself to having one child. It’s so heartbreaking that I shut myself down from it most of the time which I know isn’t the healthiest thing. I’m sorry that you are going through this too, I know exactly how you feel. Sending you good thoughts.

Jessica 2 years ago

I shared this with my best friend, and she said, “If I didn’t know better, I would swear you wrote this.” We have had conversations about everything you mentioned. It is amazing how people assume if you can have one child, you can easily have another. Thank you for sharing. I might just keep a printed copy to hand someone when they ask me when I’m going to have another baby. 😉

beachmommy 2 years ago

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly what you mean.
We have finally bagged up all of my son’s outgrown clothes and toys and gear that in my heart know will never be used in my house again and gave it a young family.
It is a pain that I cannot describe as eloquently as you did.

Jill 2 years ago

Thank you for this, Amy. It is something that is so rarely discussed, and can make you feel so, so alone. After lots of trying and two miscarriages, I am now just starting the third trimester with my little girl… But I have lived everyday of it terrified deep down inside that something might still go wrong.

Good luck to you, and to all the women out there dealing with this. <3

Kerry Ann @Vinobaby’s Voice 2 years ago

I’ve been where you are. I spent three years digging myself into a hole, struggling with the constant disappointment, frustration, baby envy, and painful comments. No one seems to “get” secondary infertility, it’s the elephant in the room we’re not supposed to talk about, so most of us struggle alone. There’s more of us out there than you imagine–most of us just suffer in silence.

It’s hard to imagine when you’re in the thick of TTC, but whatever happens, you will be okay. I know women who finally had their beautiful dream baby (and in a few cases *babies*) after secondary infertility. At some point, some of us make a conscious decision to just stop. Four years after my husband and I decided “enough” we are quite content with our little family of three. At this time, I can’t imagine it any other way. My womb no longer aches each time I hold a newborn, and when watching a toddler’s meltdown, I breath a sigh of relief that my one amazing kid is well past that stage.

I hope you kick infertility’s ass, but no matter what, you and your family will be okay.

saiyge 2 years ago

You never know what may happen, don’t give up hope. My husbands mother was in her 40’s when she had him, he was most certainly a big surprise!

Amy 2 years ago

Thank you, Trish. That’s why I wanted to write about it. Still hoping and praying, for all of us.

Trish 2 years ago

Oh Amy you hit the nail on the head. We’re going on 28 months of trying with no success. We already have a daughter who is now 6, and I fear all the same things you do. Secondary infertility should be talked about more. Sometimes we sad mommas need to be reminded that we aren’t alone.