7 Secrets of Motherhood

secrets-motherhood

So. You saw two pink lines. Congratulations! Welcome to The Order of Motherhood. Sit down. There are some things you should know. Things you’ll never read in any baby book or hear from your OB.

Let us begin. Here are the secrets of motherhood:

1. You no longer have a bra size. You have a bra range. The size of your ladies will change so often that by the time your baby is crawling you could probably pick a bra off of a rack blindfolded and have it fit perfectly for at least five minutes during the day. Between nursing and pregnancy weight gain/loss, some moms have resorted to 24/7 sports bras.

2. Children never appear sick when they’re in the doctor’s office. You wouldn’t know from his cheery disposition that little Sean was coughing his guts up all night long. Yes, the same child who is currently sitting on the doctor’s office protective paper, happily singing the theme song to Wonderpets, was coughing as if he’d been smoking for 30 years.

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His mother called the pediatrician’s office first thing in the morning and was thrilled to get an emergency appointment. Now she’s standing in front of a doctor who thinks she’s lost her mind. Surely the child is fine. He gives her a “you have a wild imagination, don’t you?” smile of pity and makes a note in Sean’s file: “FYI Crazy Mom.”

Sean is fine. Until tonight, anyway.

3. Never, ever, EVER speak your parenting victories into the air. Don’t even post them as a status update.  “Melissa is finally sleeping through the night!”  “I can’t believe Jonah is finally potty trained!” 

Children are enemies of progress. What you accomplish, they seek to destroy. This is not because they’re bad, it’s just who they are. Your kids may not be on Facebook or hear the words you smugly utter aloud to a friend over coffee but they are highly intuitive.

Today Jonah’s mom is buying big boy undies by the caseload on Amazon Prime. By tomorrow, Jonah will be back to pooping his pants. He will do it in public. Jonah’s mother will not have a change of clothes because why would she need one? He’s potty trained after all.

Rule #3 of Parenting states that you never celebrate a victory unless you want it reclaimed.

4. If your first child is an angel, it’s not because you’re an amazing parent. Easy kids are how nature tricks us into reproducing a second time. This will be difficult for some to hear, but I’m pretty sure this is how it goes down in heaven.

Angel #1: Ok, the Thompsons are ready for a baby. Who do we have available?

Angel #2: *checking notepad* Billy is up for an earthly experience. Let’s send him.

Angel #1: What’s his personality like?

Angel #2: *reading notepad* Crazy, likes to break items, not the best listener, known to slap, but still very sweet in his own special way. Nicknames include El Diablo and Hurricane.

Angel #1: Do you have anyone else?

Angel #2: Noah. Compliant, reasonable. likes to please.

Angel #1: Send Noah first. Then follow up with Billy two years later.

Angel #2: Right on it, boss!

Go to any playground and you’ll see an older boy or girl standing by their parent watching the younger version of them, the hellion, going buckwild in the sand.

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It’s unfair to label children “good” and “bad.” We prefer “low-maintenance” and “spirited.” “Mature” and “Full of character.” Yes these are starting to resemble descriptions for wine which, coincidentally, is the recommended treatment for those on their second child.

If you’re currently on your “easy-going” child, don’t start writing that parenting guide just yet. Have another.

5. The more complicated and beautiful a meal, the more likely your children will hate it. Go ahead and spend all day making that homemade organic chicken broth for a hearty vegetable soup. Pour your soul into an authentic Italian lasagna with basil from your own garden. Bless your family with sundried tomato pasta with a creamy garlic sauce.

Just try not to cry when you see it on the floor.

Are you familiar with the whole “deconstructed menu” movement? The trend was made popular by Spanish chef Ferran Adrià. One simply reduces a dish down to its base elements, puts them on a toddler plate and charges $150 a course. Adrià must have consulted with a team of toddlers because this form of haute cuisine is beloved by small children.

One day mathematicians will discover the exact inverse function that children use to determine how loudly they need to cry at dinner time based on how much care was put into their food.

6. The fastest way to get pregnant is to sell, throw out, or give away all of your most expensive baby gear. It doesn’t matter if you’re on birth control or not. Once you sell that $120 cosleeper on Craigslist, you will fall pregnant before you finish counting your $20s.

Science has explained this by noting that baby gear, especially the big ticket items, create a protective force field around a woman’s uterus. Each time a garbage bag of onesies or Boppy pillow is removed from the premises*, the force field becomes weaker until the woman is entirely unprotected.

It doesn’t matter if you can’t remember the last time you “did the deed.” A single sperm from years ago that is waiting, lurking and if given the chance will seize the moment and impregnate you.

You’ll then be forced to either re-buy everything you just got rid of or beg for loaners from friends.

*Sending your youngest child off to kindergarten has a similar effect.

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7. Pinterest is our common enemy. We as a community of mothers may disagree about a lot but our #1 source of intermother angst can be sourced back to Pinterest.

Multi-colored rock and cotton ball sensory tables. Birthday marshmallow pretzel Jello cupcakes. Fondant in the shape of the entire cast of Frozen. Ombre cookies. “How to Turn Fallen Branches In Your Background into Shelving For Your Child’s Bedroom” posts. This website is destroying us from the inside.

Pinterest has one simple message for mothers: You’re not doing nearly as much as you should. It snuck into our lives masquerading as a useful resource. It hypnotized us with images of brownies baked on top of Reeses cups and then blindsided us with a list of crafts we will never complete. We need to destroy it. With fire.

Now you know the secrets of motherhood! Happy birthing (LOL) and welcome to the club.

About the writer

Bunmi is a mom, writer, lover of Soco and diet 7UP, and spends too much on Huggies Overnights. She doesn't Pin or Instagram because ain't nobody got time for that shit. She serves a lot of frozen foods for dinner and is probably the last person still buying canned vegetables. She is also author of the hilarious Toddlers Are A**holes: It's Not Your Fault, which is an absolute MUST if you have, have ever had or will ever have a toddler.

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Jax 6 days ago

#3- Don’t even think it.

lauren 4 months ago

me, neither. I have enough time-sucks in my life and in the Internet… I already know it’s a rabbit hole that would be difficult to recover from.

Debbie Butters 4 months ago

So funny!!!

Bonnie Martin 4 months ago

All so true, except for the first child being an angel. My son came out and stayed one pissed off soul for the first 5 months of life. Trust me it made my husband and I seriously reconsider having any more if they were going to be anything like our firsr. That boy would scream morning to night for months despdespite all efforts and creativity to get him to calm down. He just now is becoming a normal baby. I pray my second is a happy baby!!

Dott V 5 months ago

I have almost entirely converted to Hanes pullover bras. They are the best thing to ever happen to my boobs after years of abuse from awkward teenage heavy petting sessions, being stuffed into some ridiculous push up number with itchy lace, weight fluctuations, and just plain not knowing the right size. These things are great. They’re your boob’s version of your favorite comfy tshirt.

I am somewhere in the 36-38ish – DD-E-ish range, and they provide surprisingly good support. You’re not going to get cleavage, but I’m so far from caring about that. You’re gonna bounce a little, but nothing obscene. No padding (watch yer nips), no wires, no tags, no clasps, no red marks in your skin. Just a soft, non-oppressive, loving embrace. For a quarter of the price I usually spent on bras.

They won’t work for every outfit of course, but I’ve actually been able to successfully disguise mine as layering tank tops a few times. Won’t work on lieu of plunge or strapless bras though.

Wow. I REALLY did NOT mean to go on like that. I’m not getting paid for this, I’m just really passionate about giving up, apparently.

Jodie 5 months ago

baby 1 was difficult at first but a breeze after 4 months, baby 2 was easy, perfect sleeper, happy go lucky, baby 3 WOW! My son is punishment for my 2 placid girls! Except I’m daft enough to be 20wks with baby 4 who thankfully is another girl!

Marie 5 months ago

My oldest, my boy, is what they call a “highly sensitive strong willed child”. I call him a brat with an angel smile and a teddy bear’s hug. I will admit that sometimes I couldn’t be prouder, in public for example. But then he sets my microwave on fire and kicks my pregnant belly in the middle of the night during a 3 hour temper fit. I love him, he’s usually sweet, but if my daughter is any more ” spirited” I’m selling her to a zoo.

Lauren barber 5 months ago

Every word is so true !!

Julia 5 months ago

“We need to destroy it. With fire” Lmao! 😀

Nicole Szewczyk 5 months ago

My son was heavenly as a baby, toddler, child, and now as a teen turning into a remarkable adult that I’m so proud of. My daughter is the most amazing beautiful monster I’ve ever dealt with:). She loves to do exactly what she knows I disapprove of, and she relishes in it every day!!! She tries anything and everything dangerous and gross…..she has so much energy and is very demanding. I pray my spirited daughter will use all of her energy and creative endeavors for good as she grows. I’m a little nervous as I have never experienced a child like her before.

Kylie 5 months ago

My first was a nightmare and my forth cried all the time for four months the other 3 were night sleepers from 6 WEEKS. LOL am still waiting for bra size to regulate lol and yes I gave away all my baby clothes and sold the car seat and cot after no 4 …..BABYis 4 months old

mdl 5 months ago

All true. Although, I received Billy first, so they can keep Noah. Lol.

bra fittings 10 months ago

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Jennifer S. 12 months ago

I was reading this out loud to my husband. #7 was so funny I could hardly get the words out. I loved this article. Now to pin it so others can love it.

Barbara Thorpe DeLuca 12 months ago

number 7 for sure!!

Denise Louise Stewart 12 months ago

Omg number 4!! Expect we waited 8years and this wee bugger has made up for the terrible 2’s our eldest didn’t really have at the tender age of 1 (next week) also armed with at least 15 sharp teeth!!!! Love them both to pieces obvs

May 12 months ago

I agree with some and others not. Number 7 is not true, the whole craft for children showcased on Pinterest is all done by MOMMIES and some teachers who happen to be parents. You should be thankful other parents like to share their ideas, the easiest if you feel so bad is to just not visit the site. Some people are very crafty, others not, some are really good at cooking, others not.
I love all the crafting but I hate cooking, you won’t ever find me doing some of those weird cookies with funny faces and strange fillings, I feel I have enough with knowing how to bake some simple muffins and banana bread, and I learned that from Youtube haha. I don’t know how to do much else lol. Lucky my child birthday is on xmas time, because if I had to do a party… wow, my cakes so far have been so crummy and sad haha.

Laura McGinnis Yoder 12 months ago

What a cute, creative and True article !! My girls are 20 ,14 and 14. Oh the time I could of saved!!! Lol

Mishelle Moore 12 months ago

#6.. absolutely #6!!

Denise Wicklund 12 months ago

#3 is so true. As soon as I post progress, we regress.

Rachel 12 months ago

All very very true. #5 reminds me of the time I had made some kind of soup with bread bowls, all from scratch. My then-4-yr-old daughter reminded her younger sisters to say “thank you” for the apple juice my husband made from concentrate. Clearly, sugar equals love in this house.

drfoop 12 months ago

The doctor won’t write “FYI Crazy mom”. Their abbreviations are much more succinct than that. If you’re lucky, he’ll write MWAS.

Jenni McEachern 12 months ago

Also, add to #6, a sure way to child number 2 is to lose all the baby weight and buy a brand new wardrobe in your excitement. Guaranteed to get preggers within 3 months!

chlil 12 months ago

#6 is my fear! I would never tell my husband bc he would mock me until the end of time, but I just recently sold the bassinet and my youngest is 9. If I have another baby now, I’m calling it ScaryBaby in honor of this site! 😉

Jessica Sherrah 12 months ago

Haha love it so true

Rebecca Mock Wright 12 months ago

Hysterical

Ricki Snow 12 months ago

Totally loved it!!

Rebecca Lawhorn Huff 12 months ago

Number 4!!

Muriel Keith 12 months ago

Things to loom forward too

Jewels 12 months ago

Love this!

Stacey Bass McPherson 12 months ago

Number 4. Definitely number 4. That was my exact thought. “#1 was such an easy pregnancy, and he’s such a good baby! I can totally do this again.” Then came the pregnancy from hell…

Adena Harris Newman 12 months ago

Just skip to 4

Maria 12 months ago

One more truth of motherhood – if you serve your toddler a good portion, he won’t touch but a crumb. But next time try I serve him a small portion, and he will ask for more twice and then eat all of your portion :(

Samana 12 months ago

I was blessed with 2 easy kids…. #3 however, is a hellion spawned from the planet difficult child! If he had been my 1st, I probably wouldn’t have had any more kids!

Jennifer Franzen Kjellstrom 12 months ago

Just priced all my baby gear to sell. I think I’ll practice abstinence.

Stephanie Rae 12 months ago

Yup lol

Sarah Cahill Funk 12 months ago

And as a mother of 4 I can tell you SO MUCH #6! LMAO!! 😉

Beth Payne 12 months ago

Hilarious, and so true!

Sarah Borowiak Bradley 12 months ago

This is awesome!!!!!

Dianne Keith Hassinger 12 months ago

It’s unfair to label children “good” and “bad.” We prefer “low-maintenance” and “spirited.” “Mature” and “Full of character.” Yes these are starting to resemble descriptions for wine which, coincidentally, is the recommended treatment for those on their second child. LOVE THIS LINE lol

Meryl L Weisman 12 months ago

Absolutely true regarding getting rid of the expensive baby stuff. I insisted on keeping the crib, convinced of the necessity. Absolutely convinced that keeping the crib in the attic is the most reliable form of contraception available. Well, my baby girl is over 30, pregnant with her FIFTH child. Hubby and I just moved into an over 55 retirement community, we are 62 and 61. We finally gave the crib away! BTW, yes, keeping the crib in the attic worked perfectly!

Aprille @beautifulinhistime.com 12 months ago

All of these are true for me except #4. I got a really difficult one first. I’m terrified about what that means for #2.

Suzanne Buitelaar 12 months ago

No, no its so number 7!!!

Kiralie Konde 12 months ago

Definitely #3. Now and again I share actual victories, but surely I don’t want to jinx myself.

Miranda Saiz 12 months ago

#2 is the reason I started recording my kids before I took them to the Dr lol. We would get there and they would look as happy as can be & not look like they hadn’t spent all night coughing with a slight fever. Once I would show the Dr the video they would know immediately what I was talking about and didn’t seem so crazy lol.

Meleah Joan 12 months ago

Funny az! Lol

Vicky Kimmel 12 months ago

Hahahahahahaha

Lisa Strahan LeDoux 12 months ago

Oh, I’m the poster mom for number 4. They’re adults now and I can still say, “If I’d have stopped at the first child” ….let’s just say….life would definitely be less…..interesting.

Jen Sowden 12 months ago

Sarai, I’m sorry to say, you’re screwed.

Jessica Gates 12 months ago

Great. #6 completed this week. I’ll be pregnant by October.

Jen Sowden 12 months ago

#4. All over the place in my house.
My son was a cake walk once we got to sleeping through the night.
If my daughter had been first she would be an only child and I’d be in an asylum – and that’s not even including the 4 months in the NICU.

Jeanne-Marie Peterson 12 months ago

I have heard so many people say that #4 is true!

Jennifer Howard D’Alessandro 12 months ago

Ha ha ha….#6 for sure!

Claire Smith Shirley 12 months ago

All so very true…

Shelly Decoteau 12 months ago

Every one of these is totally true.

Tara Walencik 12 months ago

Faith #6

Casey Edgar 12 months ago

Lmfao

Lyndsay 12 months ago

Number 4! Absolutely number 4!!!

Earon Grosz Flake 12 months ago

#5. I gave up introducing new and exciting foods. They always hate it. Another cheese quesadilla or PB&J? Makes my life easier

Gabriela Soares 12 months ago

4 and 6!!!! Lol

Manjari Wh 12 months ago

#4. Except it applies to other parents, not me! There’s a reason we waited five years before we dared to have another. And meanwhile the other parents with easy babies thought we were just overreacting. I secretly wished they would have a really hard baby next.

Kimmy Steele 12 months ago

Ha! #4 is why done with babies.y first two have been relatively easy, I can’t risk it again!

Sam Barry 12 months ago

Yup! The minute my first left for school the two pink lines came up. I would describe him as high spirited, full of energy. Can I have a peaceful child next so? :p

Melanie French Latailakepa 12 months ago

Wow I feel ummmm confused :/ I have my first baby in 4 months and I know nothing!

Christine Marshall 12 months ago

Another one…. Not a chance….. I’m abstaining!!!!!! lol

Cat 12 months ago

ALL SO TRUE! Thank you!

Audra L Dean 12 months ago

This is good. Especially the one about first child sent and second. Ha ha

Catherine Riley 12 months ago

I love number 4 teehee

Erin 12 months ago

I am terrified for #4. My first is a nightmare. Am I really sure I want two?

Katherine Kennedy 12 months ago

I happen to be doing 6 right now

Kristen Coulman Hamill 12 months ago

Amen on the #3

Natalya Chuvakova Gile 12 months ago

LOL! Jill #7

Jessica Powell 12 months ago

My 1st son is so laid back, my youngest daughter is a whirlwind

Elaine Quest 12 months ago

#4. I wanted super nanny to come to our house….so bad.

Rob Lachance 12 months ago

Number 6

Janet Landry 12 months ago

NUMBER FOUR!!!!!

Venus Alfante 12 months ago

number 4 unfolding now…sigh.

Deana Gilmore 12 months ago

#4 applies to us to a T!

Melanie Godfrey 12 months ago

7!

Hanna Imran 12 months ago

Hahahaha hilarious I love these things!!! Lol

Diane Boyce-Ricci 12 months ago

Amazon prime made me pee.

Monaca Owens Andrews 12 months ago

So true about Pinterest.

Liz Lanyon 12 months ago

Number 5 every time,, hand made fresh chicken nuggets vrs frozen nuggers, guess which one wins

Jessica Horosewski 12 months ago

If #4 is true I am never having another since my first is definitely “spirited”

Kaycie Rae 12 months ago

Ya, fuck pinterest! It needs to go. Especially after I contemplated putting “make 1 thing off of pinterest/wk” a goal.

Elizabeth Maxwell 12 months ago

Hilariously true. Except however the firstborn being easy, they totally messed the order up on that one for us!

Angela Gruener 12 months ago

Those were pretty funny! Thanks for sharing Kelly Harber

Christina Johnson 12 months ago

#5…

Justin Hintz 12 months ago

Ha, yeah we might just flip a coin and take our chances.

Lisa Rife 12 months ago

Oh yes! #4 & #6. SPOT ON! HAHA!

Laura Arnholt-Perez 12 months ago

#6!! Lol

Samantha Millar 12 months ago

Doc one is so true

Christy Whelan 12 months ago

#3 is so true! Learned that one a few weeks ago.

Nicole Alexis Blackman 12 months ago

F***ing hilarious!

Amy Richardson Hudson 12 months ago

In my generation of motherhood, it was Martha Stewart that made us all crazy! Once I let go of her perfection, I was a much happier Mommy.

Erica Thompson 12 months ago

All of it. 100% true.

Caryn Blackburn Westdyk 12 months ago

#4 had me in tears!!

Katie Tusing Beltran 12 months ago

#4!!!!!!!!

Allison Hiebert Gordon 12 months ago

Made me laugh :)

Joeyandkatie Graham 12 months ago

I’ve learned to avoid answering the question, “So, is he/she sleeping through the night yet?” If I answer yes, they don’t. If I answer no, they don’t. Just laugh at whoever asks you that and pat their shoulder and walk away–QUICKLY!

Justine Duncan 12 months ago

So true

Fabiola Arauz 12 months ago

Have 2 already, can’t imagine a 3rd without some type of medication.

Sarai Mason 12 months ago

I feel like 7 secrets is too little…

Inga Collins 12 months ago

It’s like you have been eavesdropping on my entire life lol. 100% truth!

Mary Jane Holland 12 months ago

#4 for me all the way! Lmfao my first was such an easy one…i got satan next XD

Chanda Mize Owen 12 months ago

We had always talked about just having one & I always wanted a boy. So when we were blessed with a sweet & amazing little blue eyed boy, we decided we were done!! Not going to chance it lol, so I guess we will be keeping a few baby things in the attic just to be on the safe side:)

Diane Grodske Grube 12 months ago

And all 4 of your boys are so precious and distinct individuals. Love them all!

Diane Grodske Grube 12 months ago

I especially love #6

Michelle Ware 12 months ago

I lol’d at all of these! Great article and so very true!

Trish Wilson 12 months ago

Oh, number four is GOSPEL.

Genevieve de la Rose 12 months ago

I have 3 kids 8, 2 and a 3 month old. This is right on!!! 😀

Rebecca Louise Herbunot 12 months ago

So much number 4 for us lol

Jennifer Williams 12 months ago

#6 is hilarious!!

Amy Eckert 12 months ago

Hahahaha!

Jamie Forpahl 12 months ago

#6 is fact!

Dana Lopez 12 months ago

#4 is so true!!! Our first was so easy and number # has attitude and bad temper!

Jill Kolenda 12 months ago

#6, My youngest was going to kindergarten and I got preggos with baby 3! I also didn’t have one baby item left in my house! Baby 3 is wonderful, wouldn’t change a thing!

Rachael Bowers 12 months ago

Number 4 happened to me

Melissa Munkers 12 months ago

Oh I hope #6 isn’t true. I’m in the midst of doing this right now…

Rebekah Choat 12 months ago

Oh, #6…and I love that phrasing “you will fall pregnant”

Karen D. Wicks 12 months ago

My mother has sworn by number four for decades… I’m not the first :-/

Letitia Tappa 12 months ago

I’m so glad there was no pinterest when my kids were little.

Cynthia Yont Krumins 12 months ago

Currently experiencing #6. Smh

Faith Stahlman 12 months ago

Kadi Shetter I’m pretty sure #6 rings true in your life! Lol

Crystal Brumley-Conard 12 months ago

1st is an angel for the most part, 2nd was/is always cranky but is sweetheart. I’m hoping 3rd is laid back and goes with the flow of our chaos. Lol

Juli Trumbo Reece 12 months ago

#7

Beth Boyer Williams 12 months ago

All very true. Lol!

Kelsi Garrison 12 months ago

Ohhhh number 6. Soo why we have #4

René Baumann 12 months ago

Number 6 cracked me up!!!!!! #3 spot on!!!

Nashay Robinson 12 months ago

Lol, my first child is the Hurricane, don’t know why we decided to have another.

Katie Lynn 12 months ago

#6!!!!!! OMG, less than ONE week after I sold more than half of my baby stuff…yep, found out I was pregnant!!!! LESS THAN ONE WEEK!!!!!!!

Jennifer Cagle 12 months ago

Omg. So right about removing the baby items. Lmao.

Trisha Lea 12 months ago

They are all true! So funny!

Petra McCafferty 12 months ago

Wow this page makes confirms my theory that people make raising kids far more difficult then it needs to be

Kumi Obayashi-Ward 12 months ago

#2!!

Sarah Wolford Snyder 12 months ago

#6 !!!!

Jessica Short 12 months ago

Yup!

Asia DK 12 months ago

Love it soooo Real !!!!

Tabi Mott 12 months ago

#4!!!!!!!!!!

Misha Faust Kimbell 12 months ago

#4 is so true!

Holly Marotta 12 months ago

#6 killed me! LOL!

Lisa Ruttenberg 12 months ago

#3 all day

Melissa McEver Huckabay 12 months ago

SO TRUE.

Sheena Canizales 12 months ago

#4 is dead on!

Amy Hildenbrandt Rogers 12 months ago

So #2! When my son was two we took him to the ER because he had a fever above 104 and his pediatrician’s office were told to go to the ER. Even with such a high fever, no listlessness, no crying. He just walked around smiling and chatting up the people in the waiting room.

Amanda Cover Keatley 12 months ago

#4

Kayla Martin 12 months ago

I’m scared of #4 lol

Shannon Willett 12 months ago

Lol, #4

Kristi Noe Weaver 12 months ago

#4 for sure!

Cheryl Stevens 12 months ago

My daughter was a great sleeper from the start. She is 4 now. I doubt I will reproduce again for fear of birthing a terror.

Sarah Louise Christiansen Masten 12 months ago

The Pinterest.

Nicole Vitellaro 12 months ago

#4 is my life.

Jennifer Jones Rombardo 12 months ago

Haha #3 indeed!! Every dang time!

Amber Joy 12 months ago

Omg yes!! #3 is terrible

Sheli Overton 12 months ago

Great!

Emily Hailey 12 months ago

OMG #6

Alexandra Sliwinski Kavana 12 months ago

Totally # 3! And I call the first baby “The Teaser”. They make you think you got this parenting thing down and you should do it again!

Marissa Bamberger 12 months ago

Yep. Baby gear gone! #3. I’m scared to give anything away now!

Suzanne Beckner 12 months ago

Yes, you have a few
More months to enjoy it lol

Liza Lambert 12 months ago

And both my kids were colicy and had wicked stomach problems. My first one suffered from night terrors for years!!! And as soon as I got rid of everything and gave up on having another one, BAM!! Baby #2, and my crazy ass now has an 11 year old and a 3 year old and still somehow want a third.

Trina Nonis 12 months ago

Theresa Kim #4 is cracking me up.

Nicole Van Hoose 12 months ago

If my second had been my first then he would have been my only.

Liza Lambert 12 months ago

I love pinterest but never get around to even a quarter of what I pin. Lol!!

Caitlyn Stone 12 months ago

#4 hahaha I’m dying Suzanne Beckner I’m so done

Brandy Lopez Barbee 12 months ago

#5. For the past 9 years. ALWAYs 5. Even if they loved it once…. They will hate it the next time!!

Randi Almond 12 months ago

Mine is #4!!!

jessica 12 months ago

Last night as i was putting my daughter in her own bed, i was thinking that she has not had an “accident” in almost 4 months!!!!!……this morning she woke up wet. She’s almost 4 so yeahhhh………

Jessica Vaughn 12 months ago

#7. Freaking. #7.

Nicole Burdick 12 months ago

Haha…#3 and #5 definitely.

Maura Lambert 12 months ago

#6 (sob). I’m hiding a only used once, two-seater, pull behind the bike trailer…just so I don’t lose my force field again!

Janeen Warren 12 months ago

#4!! We call our second child our wild girl. Emily Wilkerson Wilson read #4

Leah Brown 12 months ago

Nelena Liff #6… Lol

Krystal Patton 12 months ago

LoL love it

Ashley Forsberg 12 months ago

Number 5 allllwayyyssss. My three year old either wants to eat to Gordon Ramsay standards or Annie’s mac n cheese. If we make one of course it’s always the other.

Michelle Campbell Rappuhn 12 months ago

#4 – Baby #1 is so delightful I couldn’t wait to have another. Baby #2, I couldn’t wait for the vasectomy. 😉

Jenn Dehaan 12 months ago

Number 6. Every time.

Emily Jo Schmidtke 12 months ago

So much #7. Hate pinterest

Shari 12 months ago

#6! Sooooo true! I have always believed that if you want to have a(nother) child, I have a surefire way to make it happen. Go home, open your checkbook and simply draw a negative sign in front of your balance. Voila!

Gretchen Allen 12 months ago

No 4!

Melissa Culver 12 months ago

Yup, #3. My daughter was a little more than 2yo and had been clean and dry, even in mornings, for two weeks. We went on a big girl panty shopping spree together. The next morning we went into the bathroom and she walked right back out into the hallway; I said morning potty time and she said “I’m all done with that” and peed herself right there. It took me almost 9 more months to get her fully potty trained after that!! LOL!

Lydia Cook Watts 12 months ago

#4 – we had Billy first.

Patricia Thumm Geary 12 months ago

Don’t forget all the black and blue marks up and down your little daredevil’s legs that appear just before every checkup at the doctor.

Jennifer Howard Farr 12 months ago

Roflmao!!!!! I died!

Natalie Vella Mercer 12 months ago

Haha number four. We used the word rambunctious

Rebecca Greene 12 months ago

No book or true friend will tell you what it looks and feel like ‘down there’ after a vaginal birth…especially with a first big baby. The nature programs about baboons springs to mind….do not panic…this too shall pass.

Jennifer Crooker Williams 12 months ago

#4!!!

Windy Johnson Bryant 12 months ago

This. Is. Great.

Crystal Schneider 12 months ago

Bahahaha. Love #4! I firmly believe this to be true…

Sandra S Suggs 12 months ago

Number 4. I cried when I got pregnant again I knew this baby was gon give me hell. My other two are so low maintenance. And number 6 makes me wanna get my ovaries removed.

Brittany Day 12 months ago

#4 definitely! Haha!

Rebecca Rose 12 months ago

Add to no. 6, also losing all the baby weight! Lol

Kayla Smith 12 months ago

Lol yup

Kristen Jennings 12 months ago

#5! I slave and slave and then end up giving peanut butter and jelly

Mandy Reed Pelotte 12 months ago

OMG SO true!!!

Amy Renee Buckey 12 months ago

Number 6!!!! And on kid #6! I get rid of baby stuff every darn time.

Christy Cruz 12 months ago

Susie Sheri number 4 is my favorite!!! Haha

Sherry Zerwas Phelps 12 months ago

#4……

April Jones 12 months ago

#4……no one warned me about #2, but now that she is here (16 mos), everyone I talk to seems to have the same experience. Monsters!! Lol

Jennifer Bertagni 12 months ago

3 and 4!!!!!!!

Laura Hanjoglu-Goerke 12 months ago

lol

Heather Adkins Swinea 12 months ago

#4… oh if I would’ve known lol

Amy Snipes Jennings 12 months ago

#4 is true in our house. My four year old son is a breeze except for a bad attitude sometimes. The other night his 18 month old brother managed to dump water on a laptop, color on our freshly painted wall and the hardwood floor and also figured out how to turn the stove on and left a burner running on high.

Barnessa Gomezaza 12 months ago

#7 mocks me on the regular

Kate Junk 12 months ago

Number 4. My kid is a trick. I’m terrified to have a second one.

Amanda Preston Johnston 12 months ago

Oh GAWD number four?! Shit.

Heather McAuslan 12 months ago

#3. No question about it. Actually all of them. But # 3 for sure.

Nicole Adalio Flegal 12 months ago

Lol… Number 2 ALWAYS happens to us!!!!!

Nicole Woods-Sisk 1 year ago

Children never appear sick when they’re in the doctor’s office – YEAH… WTF??? How does this happen???

Amna 1 year ago

This is the BEST! LOVE IT! looooooool #6 on how to get pregnant is soooooo TRUE!

Sandra Straughan 1 year ago

Laugh out loud and I haven’t had a baby in 29 years!

Heather 1 year ago

#2 is so true with me haha been in that situation many times . Seems each day you write something that fits my life and I can relate to!

Lindsay 1 year ago

7 secrets… that’s it. You’re missing like 800 more. This was a good, and very funny start. LOL.

Aimee Johnson 1 year ago

Funny and true!

Holly McCurdy 1 year ago

#6 Omg! So true!!

Debby 1 year ago

Thankfully I am immune to #6!! After three beautiful girls, which defied the odds of first = easy and second being hellacious since both my first and second were easy babies but when the third and FINAL came along, that was when we got out hellion! When the Ultrasound Tech said “It’s a Girl!” I turned to my husband and told him he had three strikes and he was OUT! So after the birth of the third I got my tubes tied and then to the even more secure I got the inside of the uterus renovated and basically sand blasted, just not with real sand! So no subway tunnel connection for those little swimmers and no walls to hang their portraits on anymore equals no more baby junk sitting around collecting dust! Since I now need to buy stock in L’Oreal for hair dye I needed to sell all that baby stuff anyway. I’d rather see the green of money than the white hairs that keep finding new ways to show their existence since the birth of my third “angel”! But I wouldn’t trade my girls for anything in the world!

Liz 1 year ago

Hilarious! The wine comment was priceless.

Mandy Engelbrecht 1 year ago

lol which is why I had my tubes tied when one & only was 5….

Michelle Brindle 1 year ago

Ha love it. x

Kim 1 year ago

I meant to conclude (smooshed the wrong button). But yes: besides 7, AHHH HILARIOUS. And so so so true.

Kim 1 year ago

Other than #7 being completely untrue for me (crafting saves my sanity as a mom…it makes boring things fun…but then again, I actually like crafting…FOR ME…who cares if the kids are into it!). B

Treena Clarke 1 year ago

Love it especially the bit about deconstructed food!!!!

Annika Miriam 1 year ago

Oh so true…. especially #4. “If your first one was easy, don’t write that parent guide just yet.” I fell into this trap, head first! Bwahahaha! Now, 3 kids later, I’m cured of any guide writing ambitions. I don’t know anything, and I’m ok with that. :)

Bev Weber-Ashcraft 1 year ago

I love this page! #4 is great!

Larel Welch Jacobs 1 year ago

Truth

Skye McAllister 1 year ago

Haha Jemima Collins! That’s my new description for her she’s ‘spirited’

Alicia Neubauer 1 year ago

I won’t ever do Pinterest

Sarah Sousa Stevens 1 year ago

My first was a hellion. My second was a dream baby but was diagnosed with ASD. The symptoms appeared around age 2 (clearly challenging.) My third is a great sleeper and sweet heart with a very strong will so mix of 1 & 2 I suppose.

Sarah Sousa Stevens 1 year ago

Hysterical! Especially “we need to destroy it with fire” referring to Pinterest! Lol

Cassandra Heaps 1 year ago

Mine were the opposite. My first one was difficult, very difficult. When we tell her all about it we always tell her how lucky she is to have a little sister because she sucked so bad as a baby :) my second was a dream!

Juliet Enriquez Long 1 year ago

Tres Leon…oh boy! Let’s get ready!!

Katie Cho 1 year ago

This is awesome!

Shelley Waligorski Thomas 1 year ago

I like #7. :)

Anjelo N Kelsy 1 year ago

This hilarious and so true from hearing other moms talk lol

Tasha Jackson 1 year ago

Made me laugh for sure. Very true!

Rica Bonomo Brown 1 year ago

Yes!

Crystal Burris 1 year ago

Hilarious and true! Thanks for the laughs!

Amy 1 year ago

These are all so hilarious and true. I’m especially dealing with #4 right now. I really did get a compliant pleaser named Noah for my first, and then a total maniac.

And don’t get me started on #3. On my older son’s 2nd birthday, I wrote him a letter in his baby book that included the line “You never get sick.” A few hours later, he woke up barfing, and it lasted the whole night. Now I won’t even let myself THINK things like “Our kids are such good sleepers” or “He doesn’t bite,” much less say them out loud or, heaven forbid, post them on Facebook.

Liz Lanyon 1 year ago

😉 thanks for the giggle

Jessie Berry 1 year ago

ahhhhhahah love it

Sanjeev R Chauhan 1 year ago

Number 4 for us…sigh.

Mackenzie Rabbitte Quigley 1 year ago

#4 for me too!! Argh!! Lol #3 is on the way and we are hoping to catch another break like we did with the first kid!!

Mano376 1 year ago

Love this post! I’m starting to get rid of a few big items and maternity clothes… And i have ONE fear!…
But my second dd seems more calm and social than my first… Go figure!

Michelle George 1 year ago

#4. happened. to. me. sigh

Cindy Burton 1 year ago

Love, love, LOVE, HT!

Katie Harrington Montgomery 1 year ago

Number 7…could not be truer!

Shaunacey 1 year ago

ALL so true!
No clue what bra size I am anymore!
My daughter has a wicked cough but do you think she’ll cough anywhere near a doctor? um no!
Also, she’s our “easy” child. I already know the second one (if that happens) will be a complete terror.