Pits, Tits And Lady Bits: The Mom Shower

by Krystin Seiver and Joanna Groschwitz
Originally Published: 
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As women, we give up a lot of luxuries when we become mothers. I think it’s to be expected. Gone are the quiet Sundays spent in our robes, sipping coffee and reading novels. Gone are the carefree mimosa brunches with girlfriends—you know, the ones where you aren’t checking your phone every 20 seconds to find messages like, “Hey, honey, hypothetically, if our kid fell and cracked his head open, what would you do? Also, where are the Band-Aids?” I think we all know that a lot of the carefree, relaxed, completely self-involved moments of our lives are gone the second we bring life into this world. But our showers? They take the 15 minutes a day needed to keep our body (and mind) clean? Yes. Yes, they do.

Here is what showers are like before kids:

– Turn shower on hot while inspecting your pores in the bathroom mirror.

– Drop a few drops of lavender essential oil in shower. Wait! I think I want eucalyptus. Yes, definitely eucalyptus.

– Disrobe and look at naked body in mirror wishing you weren’t so “fat” (if only you knew!).

– Get in shower.

– Start with foot pumice. Remove all dead skin from bottoms of feet using a peppermint foot scrub you made from scratch while bored one day.

– Next, lather up. Loofah for most of the body, but exfoliating glove for backs of arms (they’ve been rough lately).

– Now, hair. Shampoo twice. Once with purple shampoo to maintain the perfect blond. Next, with an extra hydrating color lock formula. Rinse, lather, repeat.

– Smooth in your conditioner (which must sit for at least 7 minutes).

– Shave. Shave everything. Even the tiny peach fuzz on your big toe. Or else, ew, everyone will notice that.

– Give yourself a deep pore cleanse steam facial. Start with cleanser, Clarisonic, exfoliating scrub, and hydrating masque. Rinse, apply, repeat.

– Exit shower.

– Two towels. You will need two towels. One for your hair, perfectly wrapped, and one for your body.

– Dry off, but not completely dry! It’s best to apply body cream while still slightly damp.

– Moisturize. Start with the face. Eye cream, serum, hydrating cream, sunscreen. Now on to body. Bikini line serum, foot cream, coconut oil, bronzing lotion. Last, hair. Color seal serum, styling cream, lightly scented split-end oil.

– Slip into robe that your husband threw in the dryer for you while you showered, so that it is nice and warm on your perfectly hydrated skin!

Here is what showers are like after kids:

– Quietly slip into bathroom after you put your baby down for a nap.

– Get in shower and turn it on. It’s freezing. It’s absolutely freezing, but you don’t have much time, so start anyway.

– Bring toothbrush with you. Brush teeth while pumping soap into free hand.

– Soap is all gone. Use shampoo.

– Wash as much of your body as possible with free hand while brushing teeth with the other.

– Ah, water is finally warm!

– Turn off water and exit shower.

– Grab wet towel from floor that husband used earlier. Quickly dry off.

– Slip into yoga pants and tee from yesterday!

So, next time you’re in the checkout line behind the perfectly done-up, fresh out of college, childless, husbandless, stretch mark-less woman, just smile. Smile and know that you once were that woman, but you learned that the title “Mom” is so much more rewarding than the title “CEO.” And know that one day she’ll likely be in the same line wondering how she got here. How she went from Prada pumps to “Oh shit, Im still wearing slippers.”

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