This ‘Unusually Aggressive Squirrel’ Is The Stuff Of Parents’ Nightmares

by Valerie Williams
Originally Published: 
Image via Shutterstock

A biting squirrel is on the loose in a Brooklyn neighborhood

Stuff is bad and hard sometimes when you’re a parent, but we can confidently say that unless you’re a parent in a Brooklyn neighborhood currently being terrorized by an “unusually aggressive” squirrel, things could always be worse.

Yes, it’s true — there’s a mad squirrel zipping about the streets of Prospect Park, a Brooklyn neighborhood full of families and small children. In fact, a child was one of the crazed rodent’s latest victims, according to New York Daily News.

Seven-year-old Maria Guerrero appears to be alright, save for a few bite marks on her arm, but so far, it’s unknown whether the wily creature has rabies. Yes, rabies. According to WABC News, the beady-eyed douchebag leapt through the air and sank its teeth into the child’s arm.

Jesus Henry Christ.

“It kind of looked like a flying squirrel – he jumped on my arm and then he started to bite my arm – but I had no food! I had no food, I had nothing,” Guerrero recounts.

Little Maria is one of five people the miniature shithead has attacked in as many days. According to the New York City Health Department, squirrels rarely have rabies, but they still want all victims identified for follow-up purposes. So far, four of the five have come forward. The fifth, jumped by this bushy-tailed asshole while jogging, has yet to contact them.

One of the other victims, Leku Percival, shot video of himself feeding the toothy jerk (which, why?) when it decided to bite him. We want to feel bad, but bro, you’re feeding a fucking squirrel by hand. You had to know this could be a possible outcome.

Area residents are being warned to stay on the lookout via terrifying, fact-filled fliers, because squirrels can be sneaky little dicks. Although I’m an avid outdoor jogger, I’ve been scared half to death and sent screaming like a small child who was just told the Tooth Fairy is going to bite them in their sleep when one runs in my path. They’re not predictable. They can’t be trusted.

In true New Yorker fashion, Brooklynites are making light of their current Level 12 squirrel threat.

Laura makes an excellent point. Though I have noticed distinctly brunette squirrels in my yard, the rest of them all look about the same. Sorry, buds. Ya’ll are a dime a dozen until you start launching your shitty bodies at people, fangs blazing. That’ll make you stand out from the rest.

As one does during any threatening situation.

It’s really just good sense. Like, you could see a rabid dog heading your way. Or a bird. Squirrels have zero chill and are too tiny to be noticed before becoming dangerous to your person. Just watch Netflix with the windows shut. It’s for your own good, Brooklyn.

We really hope that once the offending animal is found, he will be found exactly like that. Because I feel like we need this, America.

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