Star Magazine Rates ‘Best And Worst’ Celebrity Moms Because Sexist, Stupid Content Is Their Specialty

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 

Star Magazine, bastion of parenting knowledge and everyone’s favorite resource for fair and balanced news, released celebrity mom report cards today. Their staff of parenting experts are well-qualified to comment on such matters. <sarcasm font>

It’s not surprising that a magazine who specializes in stories like Stars lose the fight with CELLULITE, Best and Worst Beach Bodies, Hollywood Housekeepers TELL ALL, and Stars Without Makeup, would brainstorm a story like Mom Report Cards. There are no bylines on any of the stories they write, so to be fair the magazine may actually be run by judgy robots. No one can tell. In fact, let’s just assume it’s run by judgy robots since there is no evidence to the contrary.

According to these judgy robots, aka the Star Magazine editorial staff, the following qualities qualify you for “bad mom” status:

Attempting to have a social life. Hilary Duff got a C- because she dared to mention the popular dating app “Tinder” in one of her songs: “The singer/actress seems to care more about hooking up on Tinder than taking care of her son, as she sings praises to the dating app in her video…” Right. Henceforth, she should only sing about caring for a toddler, as that would be a huge success with pop music fans. Kim Kardashian was slammed for going out to lunch with friends.

Having a toddler who cries. Both Kim Kardashian and Hilary Duff where slammed for having a toddler who occasionally throws a tantrum. Because that’s out of the ordinary: “North can’t sit quietly for more than three minutes — so she throws tantrums causing huge disruptions.”

Spending any time whatsoever away from your baby: Kim Kardashian earned herself a D- for going to the gym in the morning and daring to have lunch with friends: “Kim is also adamant about creating me time for herself, which includes morning workouts, glam sessions, and afternoon lunches with friends. Poor baby!”

Using a nanny. Rosie O’Donnel got a C- for “using nannies all the time.” Mariah Carey was slammed with a C- for having a “team of nannies take care of [her] kids.”

Having a career. Naomi Watts earned herself a C+ for being too successful an actress: “The Australian actress has let her career get in the way of spending time with her kids, filming four movies already this year.”

What makes you a “good mom” according to this panel of non-experts? Keeping your kids by your side at all times, like Angelina Jolie, who got an A+: “Despite a packed work schedule, Angelina is rarely seen without her brood of six.” Jennifer Lopez got an A for “always having her twins by her side.” Sandra Bullock was praised for bringing her son Louis to work –“No nannies needed!”

So just to recap, never leave your child’s side, have any sort of social life, or be too successful and Star Magazine might rate your parenting as top-notch. I can’t wait until their celebrity dad report comes out. Oh wait — that will never happen.

Related post: Parenting: The Hollywood Version

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