Stormy Daniels used excruciating detail to describe Trump’s ‘Mario Kart’ wee-wee and God, why?
Well, if your week hasn’t been ruined yet by Tuesday morning, dear readers, buckle in. Have you been on Twitter today? Seen that the little mushroom character, Toad, from Mario Kart is trending and innocently wondered why? I’m so sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but it’s because of the president’s penis.
Yes, you read that correctly. Innocence shattered.
In her new book, Full Disclosure, Stormy Daniels describes in horrifying detail the ween of the President of the United States. Because that’s what’s happening in the world right now. If you’ve already eaten breakfast or you want to live the rest of your life without knowing what Donald’s, er, little Donald allegedly looks like, I beg you, stop reading now. Save yourself while you still can. Once you proceed to the next paragraph, you will never be the person you were before you read this.
OK, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Here goes.
“He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool,” Daniels wrote. “I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”
Daniels also shares that the presidential member is “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.” She then drops what is sure to be a devastating blow to Donnie’s very fragile ego. “It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion,” she writes.
If you’re reaching for some bleach to pour directly into your eyes, at least there’s solace in knowing that’s literally what the entire internet is doing today?
"Donald Trump's penis is shaped like a mushroom from Mario kart"
*sets fire to phone*
*launches phone into fucking pluto*
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) September 18, 2018
Thinking about how Toad is just the purest, cutest videogame character and how nothing could sully his image. Now to take a big gulp of coffee and check twitter
— Jamie McKelvie (@McKelvie) September 18, 2018
me finding out why Mario Kart is trending on twitter pic.twitter.com/XZyNCecSY7
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) September 18, 2018
Some poor souls thought this was happening because a new Mario Kart game was coming out. LOL, as if we live in a world where good things happen instead of finding out the president’s willy looks like a beloved video game character.
Saw Mario Kart trending thinking we are getting a new Mario Kart……Then I clicked and found out why it was trending……. pic.twitter.com/1vO1RVRngj
— Mario World Fun Zone (@MarioWorldFun) September 18, 2018
Me: Oh cool, Toad is trending. Wonder if they announced a new Mario Kart?!
Me: *after reading why its trending* pic.twitter.com/nfUHQmPcqV
— Sharpie (@dapurplesharpie) September 18, 2018
MARIO KART IS TRENDING OMG I BET A NEW GAME IS COMI… pic.twitter.com/qWImljDdsg
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) September 18, 2018
oh hey i love mario kart why are we all talking about mario ka- oh, oh fuck
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) September 18, 2018
And even though I had absolutely nothing to do with this happening, I would like to personally apologize to this poor soul, who did not deserve this in any way.
Why are there so many cryptic Mario Kart Toad tweets? What do you all know that I don't? When I google I just get mario kart stuff.
— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) September 18, 2018
NO NO NO NO— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) September 18, 2018
UNSUBSCRIBE— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) September 18, 2018
None of us deserved this. Especially not the flop-sweating White House aide who’s now physically restraining the POTUS from tweeting a dick pic none of us could ever unsee.
“LOSER STORMY SAYS MUSHROOM, WHEN ITS CLEARLY AN EGGPLANT,” he would write. “SAD!”
God help us all.