Moms Are LOLing Over How Long This Survey Says Sex Should Last

by Valerie Williams
Image via jhorrocks/Getty Images

It’s obvious no one asked any moms

A recent survey of people around the world concluded that women, on average, want sex to last longer than an episode of Friends (without commercials, hell yes Netflix). 25 minutes and 51 seconds, to be exact.

And to that we say, did anyone ask moms? Because OMG, no. Nope. Not a chance. Fuck right off with that shit.

Saucy Dates conducted the survey and found that women apparently want it to last, but we refuse to believe many moms were part of their pool.

Look. It’s not that moms don’t enjoy sex or have the desire to luxuriate in a full 26-minute situation, start to finish. We just don’t have the time — literally and mentally.

We have a mile-long list of shit that needs our attention and our minds are constantly on it. It’s impossible to shut off. Wouldn’t it be nice to just lay back and have fun for that long without thinking about your son’s upcoming parent-teacher conference that’s sure to end in tears (your son’s) and alcohol (yours)? To relax your inhibitions and push out of your head the image of the mountain of dirty dishes you let sit in favor of running to the grocery story because you were out of literally everything? To ignore the sounds of your toddler definitely rustling around in their bed, probably ready to ask for a drink of water any moment?

OK, we know some moms rock at this. They manage to set aside the mental clutter and put down the to-do list in order to-do their partner right, but the vast majority of moms would be pulling out the “wrap it up” sign abouuuttttt 11 minutes in. Without a few wines, it’s more like eight minutes.

For real. We all need one of these “wrap it up” boxes on our bedside table. Move it along, bud — I have Christmas cards to address and tons of stuff to mentally obsess over before I can finally fall asleep. Worrying that my post-baby boobs look like melting candles when I’m lying on my back for a full 26 minutes is counter-productive to all my goals, and I know I’m not alone.

But the survey says women want a marathon, and we just hope none of our husbands see this chart, because holy Christ, get off me. I have laundry to fold and Hallmark movies to binge on and TBH, I’m not sure I even brushed my teeth this morning, are you sure you want this?

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No. Just no. Stop it. We need someone to burn this chart from the internet, never to be found again.

Will we eventually in life want long, steamy, lingering, sex sessions? Sure. Once our kids are either old enough to wipe their own asses or we get a housekeeper. Or the kids move out. Any of those things might increase the chances that we’re willing to do almost half an hour of werk before we can finally fall asleep.

Until then, I’m going to get moving on a “wrap it up” box prototype. Hopefully, y’all will contribute to the start-up costs.