A 'Taco Cleanse'? Sign Us Up!

by Karen Johnson
Koukichi Takahashi / EyeEm / Getty Images

Okay girls, truth time. When I hear the word “cleanse,” I think of juices made out of beets and fish eyes and having to shit every 20 minutes. I mean, I’m sure you feel absolutely fab afterwards, but I’m not really into blending up kale and then living on the toilet. Plus, Mama likes her Doritos, and I’m pretty sure they aren’t on the approved detox list.

But a taco cleanse—now here’s something I can get on board with.

We all know that anytime you put the word “taco” in front of something, it sounds 100x better. Ughh, all we have to eat is this boring flavorless chicken. Wait! Throw it on a tortilla with a little salsa and onion! Boom. Taco. And fish tacos are genius. That’s the only way I was able to get my kids to try fish. PUT IT IN A TACO. Seriously. I’d probably eat a pile of sticks from my backyard if they appeared on my plate in taco form.

So a taco cleanse sounds like the perfectly delicious way to rid my poor intestines of the excessive amount of buffalo cheese dip I ate last weekend. Let’s learn about it.

According to the LA Times, “The Taco Cleanse” is a book written by self-proclaimed “taco scientists” (and now I finally know what I want be when I grow up), that is based on a “tortilla-based diet proven to change your life.”

The plan is to eat three meals a day for 30 days, and all of those meals are vegan tacos. Now, I’m 179% un-vegan, in the sense that I almost put bacon in my coffee this morning, but still. Tacos, guys. Stay with me.

Before you meal plan, the book offers a “taco quiz, in which you answer a series of questions to discover your taco-eater personality,” LA Times reports. “You can be a taco purist, taco sentimentalist, taco adventurist, or taco contortionist.”

What’s the word for “one who grossly shovels tacos into her face?” Asking for myself.

Once you’ve determined your taco style, you can peruse the recipes. Some options include jackfruit brisket, tempeh picadillo, and ion-charged refried beans and drinks include “variations” on an avocado margarita and an agave margarita. Okay, so none of those sound like actual tacos or margaritas that I’ve had before. But this is a cleanse, people. We are ridding our bodies of excessive fried cheese and alcohol consumption. So I’m guessing chorizo, jalapeno queso, and tequila aren’t on the menu…

BUT! Tortillas, refried beans, and guacamole are included. So there’s hope.

The Amazon reviews are out and mostly positive. With a title that uses both “taco” and “cleanse,” it’s not surprising to learn that the book is a bit tongue-in-cheek. One commenter says, “Each time you indulge in any combination of tortillas, fillings, and toppings, your chakras will shed their toxins. Your aura will glow with the radiance of taco spices. You will feel peace.”

Another review reads: “The book provides a variety of vegan ‘fillings’ for tacos. It also provides the recipes for the associated sauces/toppings/condiments as well as the tortillas themselves. The recipes are amazingly flavorful and fun to make. Cleanse? Not so sure… Change my life? Without a doubt!”

So, if you’re someone who actually takes the cleanse thing seriously, this may not be your jam. But for gals like me, who include beer and pizza as basic food groups, this sounds doable. I didn’t know there were so many ways to make vegan tacos, but to be honest, I’m quite intrigued and will consider this book for a birthday or holiday gift this year.

What’s the worst that can happen? I’ll learn how to make a bunch of new tacos. And that’s never a bad thing.