The last few years, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: Curmudgeons are trying to take away our holidays. You may not have taken notice, though, as this group sets about their task in an insidious manner…
It starts around this time of year, as these curmudgeons hate the Big Three (Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas). They hate the joy that accompanies these holidays but, more importantly, they hate the gluttony. You’ll begin to read the articles: “Skinny Your Thanksgiving,” “10 Tips To Avoid Gaining Weight During the Holidays,” and “Healthful Halloween Treats.”
Inevitably, we’re bombarded with tips like “Eat before you go to a party” or “Fill up on the veggie tray.” Um, excuse me? The veggie tray at a holiday party is an insult to joy-makers everywhere. I don’t care if you go on an 80-day cleanse right up until the holiday party. You show up to MY party, you show up hungry…or else.
I, for one, am standing up to these hate mongers. I picture myself like Mel Gibson in Braveheart –- blue warrior face-paint and all: “They can take our lives. But they’ll never take our holidays!”
I wholeheartedly agree that some holidays have been taken too extremes and need to be taken down a notch. If one more person asks me to craft a leprechaun trap on St. Patrick’s Day, I’m going to go Alec Baldwin on their asses. I’m talking the big three here, people. And I’m starting with Halloween.
Remember the good old days? The days before social media made everyone a life expert and a craft genius? Like the wonderful lazy days before Pinterest ruined our lives? People weren’t making spooky fingers out of carrots and hummus. They weren’t making pumpkins out of f*cking clementines and celery sticks. And they sure as shit weren’t crafting “boo-riffic” goddamned bananas! And that skeleton you crafted out of veggies? Don’t make me tell you where you can shove that.
No – back in the day, we ate ourselves senseless and gorged on things like Butterfingers, ghost-shaped marshmallows, candy corn, and a plethora of other treats derived from processed goodness. That’s right –– I said processed!
Do you want to know how I plan on spending Halloween? I’m kickin’ it old school. I’m going to coach my kids on the ABC’s of a good Halloween. A) Always trick or treat where the rich people live (duh). B) Binge (and binge and binge again). C) Coconut is for chumps. We’re going to target the houses that give out the Costco candy (that’s right, the whole effing candy bar!) and egg the houses that try to give us some sort of homemade shit or raisins. Raisins on Halloween will cause a zombie apocalypse. True story.
Mommy’s going to ensure they choose all her faves when given a choice (bitches gotta get paid, yo). We’ll eat plenty of it as we walk from house to house because that’s just good for energy. And then we’ll get home, throw the loot on the ground, count it, and eat some more! I’ll be there for them during the inevitable sugar crash. And I’ll be there when they pass out on the bed after watching Hotel Transylvania PAST THEIR BEDTIME. We are rebels (again, picture Mel Gibson)!
Sure – the next day, we’ll regain our sanity and our composure. I’ll dole out the candy within reason and give the rest to our doctor’s office. We’ll eat clean. We’ll live by the rules. We’ll re-enter society.
But it’s one day, people. One day! And we’re going to treat this holiday like it damn well should be treated.
Are you with me?