Taking Back What's Ours

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

Remember how annoying it was to spend hours getting your baby down for a nap, only to have some asshole ring the doorbell and undo all of your hard work, leaving you with a screaming, unrested child and a rage towards encyclopedias or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? I, for one, will never forget it.

Etsy is filled with sweet little signs to delicately ask people not to ring the doorbell.

They’re sweet,

they’re gentle,

and they’re adorable…

Well, fuck that shit.

Back when I had a newborn, if someone woke that baby by unnecessarily ringing the doorbell, sweet and gentle wasn’t going to cut it.

This was what I wanted to hang on my door.

or this…

Sadly, we’re over the waking of sleeping baby faux pas now, but it’s been replaced by something even worse: The eating or using of stuff that I have bought exclusively for my eating or using.

Like the time I bought myself a pint of emergency coffee chip PMS Häagen-Dazs only to later find the chocolate chunks picked out and tell tale signs of microwaving and refreezing evident. Now, my ice creams contain the following warning…

And the deep conditioner that Lily insists on using even though I’ve told her repeatedly that it’s too expensive, her hair doesn’t need it and to keep her grubby paws off of it? These days, it’s plastered with this:

Want to scare away annoying neighbor children selling cookies at two o’clock in the afternoon or claim the chips, jewelry and bath salts as yours and only yours? Now you can!

Kidecals has long been my choice in personalized stickers and decals and I’m super excited to have designed a line of Scary Mommy decals and door signs just for them. Prices start at just five bucks and shipping is always free, no matter what quantity you order (love that part!) I mean, isn’t it time we took back what’s ours?

That was a rhetorical question. Of course it is.

This article was originally published on