It is impossible to find a parent who hasn’t been subjected to the three P’s of children: getting Pooped, Peed, and Puked on. We have all been there, scrubbing the couch from the epic diaper blowout or trying not to hurl when they blow their nose and so much green snot flies out that you worry the Ghostbusters will come in any second to rid you of Slimer. These things just come with being a parent.
However, I didn’t know becoming a parent would mean there was a whole subset of tasks which ONLY moms are capable of doing.
Here are just a few of my Mad Mom Skills.
1. Emptying pockets before washing clothes. If I don’t, it is of course my fault that someone’s coveted Chapstick has turned our entire laundry into strawberry scented swirls.
2. Putting clothes into the laundry basket. My family is especially awesome at dropping their clothes next to the basket, but never in the basket.
3. Removing underwear before taking off pants, resulting in the laundry being full of all-in-one obstacles. Part of the June session of summer school will be learning how to remove pants first and then underwear. It will be a two-part series.
4. Emptying and filling the dishwasher. This is a tough skill to master, what with putting cups on top and plates on the bottom. It is easy to see how it could confuse those newly acclimated to household duties. Thank GOD my family has me to make it all better.
5. Putting the dish from the table into the sink/dishwasher. Once the meal (that I make) is complete, the effort of picking up the tools used to enjoy the meal is too much for this group of people.
6. Picking up random tissues my sick spawn tosses on the carpet, or the Leaning Tower of Puffs he has created on the end table.
7. Replacing the soap in the shower. I can see where the breakdown could happen from the shower to the linen closet a few feet away. Add in the fact that my family has zero issue bathing with shampoo, and it’s guaranteed that no one but me will replace the soap. And if there is no shampoo? Well just add water and swirl that shit around!
8. Picking up outside toys before coming inside. The only thing I can think of is that they tired themselves out by bringing every item out in the first place and are incapable of mustering the strength to bring them back inside.
9. Collecting half-empty water bottles around the house and placing them in the recycling bin. This last part proves very tricky: there is a 50% chance of choosing the correct garbage bin, meaning, why bother? I might be wrong.
10. Hanging up anything – book bags, coats, snow gear, you name it, the logical place for it is immediately within the first two feet of entering our home. I realize the extra three steps to the hooks are very difficult and only I am capable of expending this effort daily.
11. Replacing toilet paper on the actual roll, not on the counter, the floor, or on top of the empty roll, but on the toilet paper holder affixed to the wall. We will be reviewing this in detail over the summer. I expect a lot of pushback and much drama before successfully (God willing) achieving this life skill.
12. Flushing the toilet. This appears to be as difficult for my children to master as fidelity is for Tiger Woods. We will be offering summer school for the whole month of July to learn how to reach out and move the metal handle in a downward motion. There will also be a special series on how to lift the toilet seat when urinating.
13. Replacing the cap on the toothpaste AND cleaning the gob of hardened toothpaste in the sink. I should be happy they brushed their teeth, but since I am an overachiever I expect my kids to be too, which means cleaning out the sink afterwards.
14. Predicting and assessing the weather. No child can step outside and check the weather themselves, or look on their tablets to find the weather. No, it is much easier to scream from upstairs down to me every morning to request a prompt description of the atmospheric pressure and hourly forecast.
15. Finding things right in front of their faces. “Mom! Where’re my shoes?” The correct answer is, of course, “In the cubby right in front of your face.”
AND my best, most amazing skill that only I am capable of doing … turning off the 15 lights they turned on from their bedroom to the garage door every.damn.day!