The 10 Commandments For Using My Car

1. Thou shalt not drive when your judgment is impaired in any way. At this rate, you might get to use the car when you’re 30.

2. Thou shalt keep your hands on the wheel at all times. This means no texting, eating or fondling your girlfriend or yourself. I know how well you multitask.

3. Your passengers shalt keep their hands off your wheel at all times (if you catch my drift). That only turns out well in the movies. In reality, say hello to the ditch. Not that I have personal experience with that.

4. You shalt not drink Caramel Frappuccinos in the vehicle. Last week my steering wheel was stickier than a movie theater floor after The SpongeBob Movie. This is especially true if you don’t have a grande skim latte for your mother.

5. After picking up food at McDonald’s, thou shalt air out the car and spray with Febreze (provided in trunk). The same goes for dining at Chipotle, or after playing basketball in 90 degree heat. No, Axe does not take care of that.

6. Thou shalt not leave the radio turned up to 11 to scare the crap out of your mother when she starts the car. If you do, when your friends come over, she will pipe NPR throughout the household audio system. Upon the second offense, she will rap Snoop Dogg. On the third, look out Beyoncé, thy mother can dance. Or at least she will try.

7. Thou shalt not leave discarded chewing gum in the cup holder. The same goes for straw wrappers, sunflower seed shells and used tissues. If you do, I shall instruct the cats to deposit their hairballs on your pillow.

8. Thou shalt not use my trunk as your laundry bin. If I find wet towels in my backseat, you will find your Dad’s dirty underwear in your beach bag.

9. Thou shalt not return the car on fumes. It’s only like leaving an empty Cheez-It box in the pantry, if running out of Cheez-Its left you stranded on the shoulder of I-495. You have a gas card. Use it for something other than buying beef jerky from the convenience store.

10. The Golden Rule: Thou shalt treat the Prius as if it was your own, because someday, it may be. Because if this family gets a new car, it’s mine.

Just remember, if you want the keys to the kingdom, they’re in my pocket. My will be done.