The 2017 GOOP Gift Guide Is Here!

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 
Image via apcollection/ Getty Images/ royalspa

Rejoice! The 2017 GOOP holiday gift guide is here!

It’s that time of year again, when Gwyneth and her crew compile a bunch of shit no one can afford onto a gift list and laugh and laugh. This year’s does not disappoint. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll feel poor. It’s a holiday tradition!

Because everyone always makes fun of her lists, last year she started labeling one of the guides, The Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide. She wants in on the joke. You can’t have in on the joke, Gwyneth. Just stay in your lane. This is my job.

Here we go.

Royal Spa At-Home Float Tank, $16,500

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At first glance, I thought this was a padded, glow-in-the-dark electric toilet, which I honestly would be so here for. It’s not. It’s a pod filled with water — that you climb in. Then you seal it, because rich people enjoy claustrophobic horror-scapes. This is my worst fucking nightmare. My nightmares have nightmares now, thanks to the at-home float tank. Float in darkness, trapped in a plastic coffin, Aunt Shelley. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Ural Sidecar Motorcycle, $14,499 and up

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This is captioned, “For you and your ride or die.” These are made in Russia, where “adventure seekers from across the globe navigate to discover one of the world’s most demanding rides” — 400 miles of barren ice fields. Or you can just stick your fucking dog in it and ride to the PTA meeting. That’s not obnoxious. It’s NOT.

Rose Gold Champagne Tumblr, $2590

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Nothing says “Rosé all day” like a $3000 cup. No, it’s not a set, Sheila. It’s just one cup. Bring your own rose gold tumbler. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Blink And You’ll Miss It Remote Camp, price upon request

Image via Black Tomato

I don’t know what this is. My best guess is that it’s Naked and Afraid for rich people. This company drops you in the middle of nowhere in a custom tent for god knows how much money, then you pretend that you could actually have fun in the middle of goddamn nowhere. This is more nightmare fuel. But very Instagrammable.

Chocolate Cutter, price upon request

Image via Genter Design

This is another “price upon request” thing, which translates to “more money than you’ve ever spent on a single item, ever.” It’s a chocolate cutter. This image is making me stabby. First of all, it’s not cutting it well. Second, who the hell needs to cut a Reese’s into FOUR PIECES? That is not how you eat a Reese’s. You nibble off the sides first, you animal. Then you eat the rest. Then you eat the second one. GAH.

Stuffed Animal Chairs, price upon request

Image via APcollection

Just, where do you sit? Where? I don’t want to know how much this is. It’s just going to piss me off because IT’S SOLD OUT.

Yellow Submarine, price upon request, bitch

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Okay, so the new thing is just not giving prices for things. Because you can’t afford it, silly. You don’t need to know. This is captioned “For when the yacht is in the shop.” What is it with rich people and claustrophobic horror-toys?

E! did the math and figured out that it would cost over 6 million dollars to buy everything on this year’s gift guide. Never change, Gwyneth.

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