The 43 Thoughts I Had While Running a 5K

1. I sure appreciate my husband agreeing to babysit our children while I run this race. What a good father.

2. Am I the only one who didn’t shower?

3. I should use the porta potty one more time before we start.

4. I’ll let these other people line up first. I’m sure they’re in better shape.

5. I wonder how the kids are.

6. Were we supposed to wear arm bands in solidarity of owning a cell phone?

7. I hope my friends won’t be mad at me if I pass them.

8. I’ll wave at everybody!

9. Car coming—get way over. He might not be able to see us in our dayglo, high-tech running gear.

10. My butt feels tranquil; I’m glad I wore these compression shorts.

11. Poise undergarments would probably bulge noticeably in these compression shorts.

12. Who doesn’t pick up after their horse?

13. Already thirsty. Had to restrict fluids so I don’t wet my pants.

14. I wonder how the kids are. I should hurry.

15. Shouldn’t have eaten half a carton of expired yogurt. Me and dairy!

16. Am I breathing too loud?

17. This high-impact, lift-and-separate, modesty-padded sports bra really works!

18. Water station. Do I dare? It’s just 5 ounces.

19. Better not. I hope the water lady isn’t offended.

20. But, I am going to pick up 10 or 12 of these 5-ounce cups someone dropped accidentally—a foot away from the garbage can.

21. These compression shorts are hot. Worth it, though.

© Courtesy Michelle Riddell

22. Ahhemm. Ahhemm. Ahhemmmm. It’s the dairy, people!

23. Another car. Not much of a shoulder on this road. I’ll just run through these knee-high weeds so I’m not in the way.

24. Oh geez! A very dead raccoon. Aw, poor thing.

25. I wonder what the kids are doing.

26. That water lady must be hot. Poor thing.

27. What should I get the kids’ teachers for end-of-the-year gifts?

28. I love Easter candy.

29. These compression shorts are really hot. Can people see my crotch sweat?

30. I hope everybody here has sunscreen on.

31. Am I thirsty enough to drink something blue?

32. I feel so bad for that old man.

33. I’ll do a memory-palace inventory of our freezer.

34. I would still eat that.

35. What was that movie where the guy collected dew from like a hundred leaves and combined the droplets to make one swallowful?*

36. Someone stinks. It’s probably me.

37. I hate these compression shorts.

38. *The Gods Must Be Crazy!

39. I’m doing pretty well, nearly done. I feel so bad, I’m ahead of all the other women.

40. Can’t wait to see my family cheering me on. I’m such a good role model. I wonder if they’ll cry when I cross the finish line.

41. WHAT????!!!! NO WATER AT THE FINISH LINE???!!!

42. I’m so embarrassed I asked for water at the finish line.

43. Where are they? Oh. Sitting in the car waiting to leave. I feel so bad it took this long.