The 6 Signs to Spotting Synthetic Babies

Dolce & Gabbana were recently quoted as calling babies born via IVF to gay couples “synthetic.” Now, I’m not an expert in alternative conception methods like D & G – as they are fashion designers – but I think this is how you can probably tell synthetic babies apart from “real” babies:

1. They sleep on command. Not only do the synthetic children sleep when you want them to with just a hypnotic wave of your hand, they also stay firmly planted in the bed until YOUR alarm clock goes off. You will know the “real” child by his insistence on asking for another tiny sip of water and just one more story before agreeing to stay in bed until the middle of the night (at which point he’s back in your bed).

2. They have no bodily fluids. All kids seem to do is excrete fluids, solids, and combinations of fluids and solids. It’s a great day if there’s no barf in the bed or boogers on the wall. The synthetic child will produce neither pee nor poo; puke nor snot. Keep your eyes peeled for this genetic marvel.

3. They eat cruciferous vegetables. You can easily test for a synthetic child by placing a piece of raw cauliflower in front of them. They will pop it into their mouths with a loud “MMM” and will request more. This will also work with broccoli, brussels sprouts, and even kale. They will do this during designated time periods known as “lunch” and “dinner” and will not make phony gagging noises or insist on ketchup.

4. They do not make messes or cause irreparable damage. A “real” child will inevitably leave sharp, pointy toys at the bottom of the stairs and color on your dining table with a Sharpie they obtained from the farthest corner of the highest cabinet. Synthetic children would never do this; rather, they play quietly with age-appropriate, educational toys and put them in their rightful place when finished – after offering to share them with their siblings, of course.

5. Their behavior is beyond reproach. Synthetic children never throw writhing tantrums on the grocery store floor and what’s more, they politely acquiesce when you tell them you’re leaving Target – without buying new toys. They request the car seat straps be tightened just a bit more snugly, for their own safety, and insist on waiting until they get home to eat their multi-grain, organic snacks.

6. They love brushing and flossing. They just love it. A synthetic child will ask how long it’s been since they last brushed their teeth, and will run out of floss because they use it as directed and not to hang action figures by the neck from the stairs. Under no circumstance will the synthetic child respond to your request to brush before bed as though you just suggested they drink battery acid.

Unless all criteria for being a synthetic child are met you can safely assume that all children you encounter are, in fact, “real” children. Until then, don’t bother asking a mother whether her child was conceived via IVF, surrogacy, IUI, adoption, or doggy-style – largely because it’s irrelevant to you. That mom is probably too busy dealing with spit up, nap refusal, and foot injury by Lego to respond to you anyway.

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