The Jerk and The Wonder

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

(Inspired by Judy Blume’s The Pain and The Great One which applies to my two older children just as much as it did myself and my brother, almost 30 years ago.)


My brother is a jerk.

He sleeps on Mommy’s couch every night even though

he has his very own room with a big bunk bed all to himself. I have to sleep in my own bed just because I am older which isn’t fair at all, since I slept in my own room when I was his age.

In the morning, he wakes up first

which means that he gets to pick the show so I am forced to watch things like Batman and Star Wars even though I don’t like them much at all. Plus, he hogs the blanket so that my legs are cold even though I wear a nightgown and he wears pajamas that have bottoms so his legs are really never cold anyway.

He should have to pick out his own clothes like I do.

He’s five. He’s going into kindergarten. He’s old enough to pick out an outfit just like me. But he’s so pokey that Mommy has to do it for him, or he’d never get ready in time.

He cries when I pinch him even if he hit me first.

Then Mommy gets mad and yells at me even though I was just getting back at him in the first place. So what if my pinching was much harder? I’m just stronger.

At dinner, I have to eat seven bites of new food

because I am seven but he only has to eat one or two even though he is five, which doesn’t make any sense at all.

He always blows bubbles in his milk, but I’m the one who gets

in trouble just because my milk is the one to spill over since my bubbles are bigger. It’s not my fault I can fit more air in my cheeks.

When he plays tennis or baseball,

Mommy and Daddy are always so impressed when he hits the ball the way he does, which really isn’t all that impressive, anyway. I’m just saving my arm strength for when I really need it. Like hitting him.

His bear smells like dirty feet and Mommy

is always saying how he’s the best stuffed animal in the house, even though I love my stuffed animals just as much as he loves his stupid bear. And I know he’s not really alive, anyway.

I don’t understand

How Mommy can say that The Jerk is sweet and adorable. She’s always kissing him And hugging him And doing disgusting things Like that. And Daddy says The Jerk is so cool.


I think they love him better

than me.



My sister thinks she’s

so wonderful just because she’s older Which makes Daddy and Mommy think She’s really special. But I know the truth. My sister’s a brat.

She thinks she’s so wonderful

Just because she can read stories all by herself And the words she reads are the real ones and not made up ones like I say when I read a book. But, I like my words better, even if they only make sense to me.

My sister thinks she’s so wonderful

Just because she can draw pictures that actually look like people and buildings and pets. My pictures are just as good even if nobody knows what they are supposed to be.

Mommy is always ooohing and ahhing

over her pictures and framing them in real frames while mine just get thumb-tacked onto the cork-board in the kitchen where nobody can see them. So, sometimes, I scribble on hers. It’s only fair.

My sister thinks she’s so wonderful

Just because she can ride her bike up and down the street all by herself without falling and Mommy doesn’t go running after her yelling “look both ways!” and “pay attention!”

It’s not fair that my sister gets to play teacher

when we play school and zoo-keeper when we play zoo and counselor when we play camp. Just because she thinks of the games doesn’t mean she should be allowed to make up all the rules herself. She’s so bossy.

And, why does she get to have play-dates

every single day, just because she has friends who live right next door? It’s not fair that all of my friends live a half hour away and I hardly ever get to see them outside of school and camp.

And, it’s not fair that Mommy and Daddy

always do things alone with her, but I get stuck doing things with my little brother, too, just because we’re both boys.

Then Mom kisses my sister

And tickles her neck And does other disgusting things Like that. And Daddy says my sister is the one who made them a family.


I think they love her better than me.

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