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It happens. I’m innocently enjoying a little screen time with my kiddos, when all of a sudden, I’ve got mom wood. There are a few characters who almost make me want to peel the stickers out of my hair, brush off my oatmeal tits and get busy.
Here’s my list of the top five bang-able characters from my kids’ favorite TV shows.
5. Joe from Blue’s Clues. Despite the fact that he wears more makeup than I do, beneath those terrible, day-glo vomit sweaters lurks a true cutie.
4. Chris from Sesame Street. You might know him as Gordon and Susan’s nephew, but I’ve got a job for this hottie that doesn’t involve Mr. Hooper’s store. And it’ll be brought to you by the letters DTF.
3. Kristoff from Frozen. OK, he’s not a real person, but come on. That gruff exterior? Those big, doughy Pixar hands? And you know what they say about boys with big sleds. Move over Anna — your sister’s turning shit to ice again. Go help her.
2. The Imagination Movers. We already know how well this talented, uniformed foursome works together as a team. These gung-ho boys are up for any situation, and I’ve got an idea emergency … in my pants.
1. The Wild Kratts. Whether you prefer blonds or brunettes, these brothers have it covered. They’re wild and outdoorsy, and can tame the wildest beaver. They’ve seen many a jungle, so my unruly winter bush wouldn’t be so frightening. These boys have seen just about everything, and they truly look like they’d know their way around a woman, from her Australian Outback to her Coral Reef.
Now excuse me. I’m off to take a cold shower and watch some Berenstain Bears to cool down.
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