25 Things My Children Never Say

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1. Mommy is on the phone right now, so let’s entertain ourselves quietly.

2. I know where my soccer cleats are!

3. I’m going to play with my toys now. I really do have so many of them.

4. You’re making what for dinner? YUM!

5. That puddle would make an awfully big mess. I’m not going to stomp in it.

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6. We’re going to be in the car for five hours? Let me pee first.

7. I’m too full for dessert.

8. I have a lot of homework tonight, I really should get started.

9. You look really busy; I’ll go ask Dad instead.

10. We all decided that we want to watch the same thing on TV.

11. Thank you for that yummy lunch! I didn’t trade any of it at the cafeteria.

12. You’re so much more fun than Dad.

13. Let’s get those thank you notes over with!

14. I’ve had enough electronics for the day.

15. I have a class project due two weeks from now.

16. I’m ready for bed.

17. I don’t care what my friends are allowed to have or do.

18. What did you ask me to do before? I want to made sure I go and do it.

19. I’m really enjoying this long car ride.

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20. I need to wash my hands.

21. I’ll take the smallest piece, please.

22. You’re in the bathroom? OK, I’ll wait patiently to ask my unimportant question.

23. You’re wearing that? You look great!

24. There’s so much to do in this house; What lucky kids we are.

25. We’re going to be late, let’s go!

About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

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kathryne 7 months ago

Or how bout I heard you tell me no and I completely agree with you

Mary 8 months ago

Of course I will pick up this trail of Legos and socks and Hot Wheels cars that I am littering all over the house!!!

Maureen Luckritz Singer 8 months ago

#18!! I wish she said this one!

Tiffany Nolen Kaechele 8 months ago

Classic!

Missy Hein 8 months ago

Mine have said and done a number of these

Gloria Silva 8 months ago

It’s the birthday of a beautiful child <3

Janeen Taylor 8 months ago

Perfect!!!

Britanie Myers 8 months ago

My kids regularly tell me that their dinner is “delicious”. They also regularly tell me that their dinner is “disgusting” and possibly “puke”. It just depends on whether or not we are having chicken nuggets…

Stephanie Kuepfer 8 months ago

18 and 24 lol!

Nancy Welker Fortais 8 months ago

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if these were all true? At least I’d always have my sanity…….

Kristin Berry-Walters 8 months ago

My son will put put himself to bed if he’s tired. It started around 3. He’s now 5.

Faith E Valentine 8 months ago

Number 9!!!

Emily Kleinberger Plocharczyk 8 months ago

My kids and I just died laughing as I read this to them. Thanks!

Lara Leigh 8 months ago

Or…I’ll take special care not to wipe my…snotty nose, dirty hands, messy face, etc… On your freshly cleaned clothes as your on your way out to work, dinner, important event,…

Becky Ray Guthrie 8 months ago

How about “darn it. I forgot to put my favorite jeans in the laundry basket. Guess I’ll wear one of the seven other pairs I have.” Or how about “My little brother is grumpy, think I’ll try to cheer him up by playing his favorite came.” I can go on and on! Ha!

Susan Beggs 8 months ago

LOL. If only.

Heather Semp Horth 8 months ago

#1 and #3!

Kayleen Loudon Condrick 8 months ago

Hey! I can’t say number 5! 😉

Jen Mara B 8 months ago

I hear #4 quite often. Somehow my kid (and her friends) actually likes my cooking.

Melissa Joy Flack 8 months ago

I have heard my oldest child (7) say many of these things…

Lyssa 8 months ago

I couldn’t help but read all of the in a sarcastic tone

Sarah Allison 8 months ago

My daughter doesn’t say most of these (she’s 2) but I remember doing #1 to my widower dad all the time, so if my kid does it to me I kind of have it coming!

Joanie Lasseigne Ferrell 8 months ago

Lol

Monica Volpe-Rosario 8 months ago

This is great!!!

taryn 8 months ago

My 3 year old will actually say she’s ready 4 bed and needs to wash her hands. In fact she begs too wash her hands sometimes when it’s unnecessary. But that’s bout it lol

Joey Graham 8 months ago

#3….it’s like they refuse to play with their toys….so ready to pack them up and donate!!!!

Krista Graham 8 months ago

Number 9…please, please, please?!

Susan Elise Walker 8 months ago

My kids are 15 & 19 and still knock on the bathroom door even if I haven’t heard a peep out of them in 10 hours! (My crazy coworkers now do that at work when I’m in the restroom, just to make me feel at home!

Beatrice Leavens Brown 8 months ago

Not

4Kidsinpa.com 8 months ago

ba ha ha ha

Cathy Keogh 8 months ago

Don’t think I have heard my kids say any of those

Tanya McCann Lee 8 months ago

Number 16. Please!!

Kitty Hill 8 months ago

My nephew told me “am I talking to the wall” the other day. I was like, when did he turn 25?!

Okay, well my almost 3yo does say some of those things but she is one step from away from very methodical to obsessive compulsive.

Sonya Vali Rohland 8 months ago

However, when they say I love you mom it makes up for not saying all of these.

Sonya Vali Rohland 8 months ago

Number 1!

Francoise Levi 8 months ago

Hahahaha

kim 8 months ago

I literally Lol. I guess it’s the thought of kids doing the complete opposite and wishing for these instead

dorothy 10 months ago

My kids actually do some of these sometimes… They will come home from school and ask what extra chores they can do, or what I need done that I haven’t gotten to. The oldest will ask if I need her to babysit just so I can get a relaxing bath… Then they drop the bombshell they either want money or are trying to get out of trouble for something, lol.

Farleyagain 11 months ago

I don’t know what I did to get it, probably threaten something really awful, but I did receive a #18 once from my first. Do I get a prize?

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Jullee 1 year ago

“You’re right Mom, and I will not argue with you”
“Mommy, I did something bad, I’m going to put myself in the corner for 10 minutes”

“Look mother, I cleaned my little brother’s room up for you”…no wait, that one did actually happen…of course, there was a hidden agenda

Wendy 1 year ago

My kids always say they have to wash their hands. Before and after they go. And they always ask to brush their teeth I have to tell them to wait until it’s the right time. The 3 older ones always tell me they love me and that I’m beautiful. And the older 2 keep asking to do the dishes.

Talya 1 year ago

My son is only 5 so I can assume it will get worse, but for now my favorite thing he really does say that I hope to God his sister picks up on is when we’re at the store and he asks for a toy, if I say “No, we can’t afford that”, he will say “Okay, I’ll get a job and get money so I can buy it.” Here even offers to buy me things with this job he will have when he sees me sighing at things while we shop. He’s my easy one though, his little sister throws huge fits that shocked me at first. Though now I know he’s my little prince and

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Charlene Ross 2 years ago

Fabulous! My kids are teenagers. They also never say, “Hey Mom, I’d love to help you out and wash the dinner dishes tonight AND wipe down the counters and table.” (As opposed to you know, putting their plate in the dishwasher and calling the kitchen clean.)

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Me too! We have awesome kids. :)

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Atxshelby 2 years ago

My almost four year old comes into the bathroom and says “Push hard mommy! Push harrrrrd!”

I don’t need a cheerleader. I need some privacy. hahahaha

It’s cute though.

Grace 2 years ago

My kids actually say a lot of these things quite frequently. I must be one of the lucky ones.

Elizabeth 2 years ago

Renee my oldest is 15 and she is like your little Buddha she used to say the same thing and still to this day when i take her shopping shes all like its too expensive or i can save up for it myself its awesome, but my little one is more like me lol and she is only 2 she already reminds me of my teenage years (cringe) lol

Elizabeth 2 years ago

I thought i was the only one who NEVER gets a minute in the bathroom, and if by some miracle i get the door closed all i hear is mommy mommy mommy i try staying really still sometimes it works on my 2yr old by the 15 yr says i know your in there, and she just keep right on talking, which of course invites the little one to say hey mommy whatcha doing? and the conference is on! LOL

Heather Scott-Penselin 2 years ago

I get #25 from my daughter but I tend to run late. When I get dressed up I don't get Oh you look nice – I get Why are you dressed up? and suspicious looks. I used to get the line "I'm bored I'm going to scrub the toilet" alas that never happens anymore.

alex 2 years ago

I have three boys too. What I want to know is how they get pee on the other side of the bathroom!

amanda 2 years ago

My son does this. He loves to just look around. He is six and he tells us to “keep it under advisement.”

Sarah 2 years ago

How about: “Mom, you and dad don’t need to buy me a birthday present this year – the huge party with all my friends is more than enough!”

or

“Don’t worry mom, we worked it out on our own” (re: sibling wars)

or

“I think we should wait to get a puppy…they’re a lot of work!”
(my three year old daughter actually did say this – she’s very responsible – our roles have reversed on many occasion)

Michelle Gieser 2 years ago

So true!

Julia 2 years ago

How about: “Oh, I have a scab! I’ll leave it alone so it can heal over, instead of picking at it!”

katie 2 years ago

hahahhahahaahahahahahah!!

Mary 2 years ago

My daughter stands outside the door screaming like she’s dying if I go to the bathroom without her. She will also bang her head against the door, fall down on the floor and scream louder….because she hurt herself.

Sarah 2 years ago

LOL, funny! But actually, My daughter, 2.5, does ask for dental floss (floss pick) and to wash her hands all the time.

Inasa 2 years ago

Well, my daughter says if the item she wants is over 5 dollars, “Mommy, I know this is too expensive… I don’t want it.”

That just breaks my heart and want to buy it to her!!

Mara 3 years ago

Oh that’s a good one, not asking for thirds and fourths. My step son will ask for another serving before his first plate is even empty. Other people need to eat in this house too!

Renee 3 years ago

You described my son. And he’s like that about every thing – laid back. He never threw temper tantrums, even when he was a toddler. Now, he will try to negotiate these days. He wants to debate the terms and conditions (of things like bedtime) like a lawyer. That’s a new development, but much preferred over whining and pouting.

Btw, I don’t know how he got so laid back, he just came that way. He has two very high-strung, passionate parents. But somehow we wound up with little Buddha. I worry that our true tests in parenting lie ahead in the teenage years. It’s just been too easy up ’til now. The other shoe is sure to drop.

Beth 3 years ago

I guess I have my daughter well trained! The first thing she askes me when she wants something: “Mommy is this too expensive?”

Sara 3 years ago

12 16 and 20 are things I’ve heard my daughter day. Lol

Danielle 3 years ago

One can dream….hopefully you might get one or two of these comments in a lifetime…

Galit Breen 3 years ago

Hee! Love this! {so much!}

Greta 3 years ago

This is HILARIOUS!
Can I please quote on your list in my blog kid-a-porterwith reference and link to you?

Thanks for making my day :)
Greta

Christine @ Quasi Agitato 3 years ago

OMG #3 made me laugh so hard because I don’t think I’ve EVER said “go play with your toys” without immediately following it with “you have so many of them.” You nailed it!

Ebony Hindes 3 years ago

I wonder if there is a child that could say this “We don’t have school tomorrow? That stinks.” In my house that will be a celebration.

Susan 3 years ago

My favorite is #4. Even when they loved the dish you made it the last time, the second time gets a completely different reaction. I can’t keep up with them!

Mommy’s Always Write 3 years ago

Haha – so true! I would LOVE for my boys to say, “Can we please sleep in tomorrow?”! Granted they’re 2 and 4, so I know some day they’ll be begging to sleep in, but for now I would love to sleep until noon just once!

Marriah 3 years ago

Love it, and live it daily!

I would add “I don’t need a new cup for my drink of water, I can re-use this one from earlier today”

Nellie 3 years ago

so true, especially the bathroom and on the phone. Classic!

Motherhood on the Rocks 3 years ago

Wouldn’t it be GREAT if they did though, especially #1!

Elaine 3 years ago

“Mom I just cleaned up all the toys in the living room and I put each one exactly where it goes!!”

NEVER. IN. A. MILLION. YEARS.

Pam 3 years ago

This is great! I will have to refer back to it when I am wishing my little one was able to just tell me what she wants instead of crying and fussing… Makes me thankful she’s not talking yet!

Rachel 3 years ago

My daughter isn’t even talking, yet she has found a way to ask me unimportant questions while I’m in the bathroom. So you’re telling me, it gets better, huh?

Mercy 3 years ago

I would love to hear this from my son, just once.

Lu 3 years ago

I would love to hear the one about dinner!

Mary 3 years ago

My oldest actually loves V8 and has for years. She also loves all seafood, blue cheese dressing and raw spinach.

Caroline 3 years ago

How about,
“Thank you for organizing my toys so well mom! I am going to make sure I put everything away when I am done playing with it!”
*looks around at the JUST CLEANED before work bedroom that now looks like a hurricaine came through*
*sigh*

Autherine 3 years ago

“Mom, I used the bathroom, flushed the toilet, put the seat cover down AND wash my hands!” Take it from a mom of 3 boys, this never happens.

Eryn 3 years ago

Ouch. This made me laugh & on This particular day it summarizes my mental chatter 😉 about my life With Kids :p lol
It also made me Really Bummed out reading the comments stream.. And, my kids Never tell me I’m beautiful.. And, Neither Does my Husband! +P ever. :'(
Ouch!

Imperfect Jessica 3 years ago

Lol! Love this. I know my kids really can’t talk well – but the letting me use the bathroom in peace? Holy crap! Why can’t I poop in peace? If God forbid I close the door and leave them out, it sounds like a herd of zombies are trying to get in.

Darcie 3 years ago

I’m waiting on my 23 yr. old daughter to say this….
“Mom, you were right. I should have listened to you.”

Crystal 3 years ago

This list should be made into a poster so that all moms can hang it up SOMEWHERE! Love it!

Lynn Kellan 3 years ago

You’re so funny, Jill! Your lists are the BEST!

BonnyBard 3 years ago

and have their own kids…

BonnyBard 3 years ago

True story: I have a friend whose kid goes into toy stores and when she says they’re not buying anything he answers with: “that’s ok mom, I’m just looking”. I’d say he counts as the exception confirming the rule though!

BonnyBard 3 years ago

Or “can I just run the vacuum real quick in here?

Jackie @ MomJovi 3 years ago

“Mommy, why don’t you just pick out an outfit for me. I’ll wear whatever you want me to wear today.”
“Today I think I’m going to go through all my old toys and pick the ones I should give away since I have too many to play with.”
“Tonight, I’m putting myself to bed! Just relax and enjoy your evening with Daddy.”

Weez 3 years ago

Mom, you don’t have to tell me the exact location of that item I was looking for, I actually opened my eyes and it was really right there in front of me.

Gigi 3 years ago

Your list? EXTREMELY accurate. You win, hands down.

Vanessa 3 years ago

I have an almost 21 year old and a seventeen year old. All hell still breaks loose if I’m on the phone. The only time they ever want to talk to me is if I’m on the phone.

The Flying Chalupa 3 years ago

I would be so concerned if my kids ever uttered any of these words. Glad to know I’m not alone, Jill!

realtormom 3 years ago

How about, “Hi Mom, thanks for picking me up early today. I’m really excited to have some time with you.”

Or, “It’s the weekend, we’ll let you sleep in.”

Deb 3 years ago

Nailed it. I loved this post! Sharing with my blogging world. :)

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

“Look at all these toys on the floor! I’ll pick them up now.”

:)

Caroline 3 years ago

I would love to hear ‘You got your hair cut? It looks GREAT!’ My foster daughter doesn’t accept change well and also thinks I should grow my hair as long as it will go. No way Jose.

Jodi 3 years ago

“I put my shoes away so you won’t have to search for them and be late.”
“The baby is napping so I’ll go play quietly in my room.”

I think I would die if I heard either of those.

jennifer 3 years ago

Or how about ” I peed all over the toilet ,let me clean it up right now ,instead of leaving it for you to sit in ” But in reality my son just says ” It was haily!” (his little sister)

Murphy E. 3 years ago

My 8y.o. will ask for floss and put herself to bed if she’s tired. My 6 y.o. (boy) on the otherhand hasn’t brushed his teeth in a few days. And the idea of a shower for him is running in the sprinkler. “Mom, I am clean. I was just in the sprinkler!” But then you were in the sandbox, mudpit, and garden!!! But he does tell me all the time how much he loves me…so all is forgiven!!!

Shannan 3 years ago

“How could anyone get bored in this house? We have all the toys and books we could ever want! Lets go play with them.”

Chris 3 years ago

“Soda or fruit punch?? I think I’d rather have a V8!”

Tina 3 years ago

I already put on my shoes.

I did my homework after school.

No I won’t die, I can wait until dinner is ready.

No mom your room is so much scarier than mine.

Issa 3 years ago

When my kids say some of this…I know they’re getting sick.

I’d like to add…Sissy and Bubs and I all decided on the same movie/place to eat/thing to play with.

Marie 3 years ago

They will say this when they are grown and have left home.

Heather 3 years ago

Fourteen year old girls should be locked away until they’re 30. I sure deserved that. See also: 19-year-old “boys”.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

Oh so true, except for n°16. My kids really say that. Please don’t hate me…

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

I love that one! On that note, how do I get this baby out of my bed before he’s 10?

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

You never fail to come up with the funniest, but SO true posts. I still call my mom to look for my stuff and I have two kids of my own. I mean how am I supposed to find my stuff when I’m so busy looking for their stuff. Oh, and my mom also says that we “adult children” still bother her in the bathroom!

Jack 3 years ago

I might be biased, but I loved hearing this:

“Mom, I like spending time with dad because he isn’t mean and he makes food I like to eat.”

My son was around 4 or 5 when he said that, can’t quite remember. But I do remember that it didn’t go over so well. As a PSA to other men might I suggest not giggling about words to that effect while trying to convince your wife that time in the bedroom would be good for both of you.

For some odd reason things like that tend to kill her mood. Funny female libido, who understands it.

June O’Hara 3 years ago

Love, love, love this.

Mia 3 years ago

Thank you mom. For all that you do for me. I’m really lucky to have you.

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

My youngest one still does. But my 14 year old girl really makes me have to dig deep into my confidence bag to undo some of the stuff she says. Ouch.

Karen 3 years ago

This is PERFECT!!

Sarah 3 years ago

See, my boy (5) actually does say/yell #25… usually after I’ve yelled it 14 times to HIM, and right around when I have to run back into the house to get whatever forgotten item he’s just told me about.

Also: “I love you more!”
and: “I’m going to let mom sleep in, since it’s Saturday.”

Melissa 3 years ago

My 5 year old said #5 this very morning! Did I mention I had a bit of trouble this morning because I walked outside and found my rear window shattered! But she is worried about being late to school! My children are neurotic about being late!

Jennifer 3 years ago

And….

“It was me that (didn’t flush the toilet) (spilled juice and didn’t clean it up) (left the crayons all over the living room floor) (insert any other thing normally answered not me to).”

Melissa 3 years ago

I love when they add “man, mom it stinks in here” ok soi didn’t invite you in here, so leave!

Jennifer 3 years ago

“Why would I want to sleep with you? I love sleeping all by myself.”

courtney martin 3 years ago

My kids say this, too! lol ButI think they like sleeping in Mom’s bed for a nap with me, though. 😛

courtney martin 3 years ago

My three sons tell me at least 5 times a day each how beautiful they think I am. Well, the 7 and 8yr olds do…the 2yr old doesn’t do it more than once. Your kids really don’t tell you how beautiful you are every single day? :(

kimi 3 years ago

OH MY GOSH!!! The bathroom!!! Yes!!! Why does everyone feel the need to follow me in there? Even the 2 puppies try to squeeze through before I shut the door!!! LOL :) And if I do manage to get in alone I’m expected to carry on a full conversation while in there! Loved the list!

Christine 3 years ago

If my kids ever said that, I would be very suspicious of what they were planning for while I was sleeping!

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

I should have yelled, “Jinx!” We must have the same kids.

Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) 3 years ago

Ha. Hilarious. Mine never say, “Why don’t you just spend some more time on your computer?”

Unless it’s sarcastic.

Arnebya 3 years ago

Boy, this is gonna grow, huh?

“Thank you”
“Oh, you haven’t eaten yet? I won’t have thirds then.”
“I’m going to bathe”

Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom 3 years ago

Hee hee. Classics! I’d love to hear:

“I’ll feed the cat AND scoop his litter box. Remember I told you if you let me have a cat that I would always take care of him.”

The Sadder But Wiser Girl 3 years ago

“Mommy, you look tired. I really think you need a nap. Now that I think about it, so do I. Let’s all take a really long nap.” HA HA HA HA! Never, ever will happen!

Pam 3 years ago

“I’m tired I think I’ll head to bed early.”

Courtney 3 years ago

Mine actually does ask for floss but she’s 4 and just likes the taste of it

bethlaf 3 years ago

hey that never happens , how about

OH the garbage is full, I should empty it now rather than trying to cram one more thing in there so I dont have to take it out.

Samantha 3 years ago

Those dirty socks balled up in the corner? Those are mine. Let me un-ball them and put them in the hamper.

Jenn 3 years ago

Love it! Although my slightly neurotic 6 year old actually does say #25 – a lot!

I would add, “Wow, that outfit you picked out for me is perfect!”

Stephanie 3 years ago

Ha. Sounds lovely. Just this week, I got, “Mommy’s on the phone so let’s destroy our one-day-old couch with this stray sidewalk chalk I found,” which was followed up with, “Mommy’s on the phone again, so let’s pour our (supposed to be non-leaky) sippy cups of milk all over the one-day-old couch.” Longest Time Out of his life so far!

Urban Mommy 3 years ago

Yes! The bathroom is like a conference room in my house.

Becky 3 years ago

This list is going to keep growing:
Here’s one: The reason you don’t see my jock strap/cup on the kitchen table (again) is because I put it away.

Alison 3 years ago

This is awesome!

I’ll add, “No mom, I don’t want a new toy, of course not.”

Christina Baglivi Tinglof 3 years ago

Love it! And how about, “Look! Dirty plates in the sink. I’ll just rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.”

Yana 3 years ago

I just love the bathroom unimportant question!

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

Mine would include, “You are wearing THAT to the mall? You look great!”

Ellie 3 years ago

And #26. Mom, you look pretty today.