I still feel your cheek against my cheek.
I still smell your perfume lingering in air.
Your heartbeat is my heartbeat.
Warm. Alive. Pumping.
Your roots tangle & twist inside my roots.
Nothing much has changed… except the world turned upside down.
My soul cries out for you in the middle of the night.
“Kay. Kay. Kay. Come back to me. Come back to me.”
I’ve drank lots of red wine, prayed lots of prayers, and cried endless of tears.
I tried to find a way out.
I sought out other options.
But I’m here.
And here are a few things I’ve learned in the midst of darkness.
1. That life as you know it can change in one. solitary. moment.
2. That mourning is born, but doesn’t die.
3. That when people tell you it gets easier and better, they don’t know shit.
4. That unexpected, unimaginable angels soar into your life to rescue you.
5. That your truest friends never leave your side. Ever. Even when you’re craaazy, out of control, irrational, and tell the same stories over and over and over.
6. That your weakest moments become your strongest moments.
7. That darkness exists.
8. That God exists.
9. That writing with your own blood saves you.
10. That there is a deep, profound core inside your body reserved for grieving.
11. That anybody who belittles, demeans, minimizes, or makes you feel less than is an “abuser.” Period.
12. That when you feel something insidious and gnawing within your gut, do not ignore it.
13. That past behavior determines future behavior. In other words, people generally do not change. When they say something the first time, believe them. You better believe them.
14. That nobody will ever know me like you, love me like you, or accept me like you.
15. That the sun glimmers differently without you.
16. That domestic abuse is not merely the fist, but the tongue.
17. That it is entirely possible to weep incessantly and endlessly for two years straight.
18. That our pain becomes our purpose.
19. That life goes on, even when you don’t.
20. That the world cannot give you the peace you desire. Only God can.
21 .That one can wear a mask with feathers, smiles, and vivid red lipstick and fool the whole fucking universe.
My best friend, sister and soul mate was murdered by Mike Peterson on May 26, 2010. The world turned upside down, the sun diminished, the universe weighs so much less, but I am still here. So much love, my dear Kay. Always.
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