19 Things I’m Covered in After Spending the Day with My Son

by Deva Dalporto
Originally Published: 

Hanging out with young kids is disgusting.

When I go to take my clothes off, they’re so filthy I swear they could stand up and walk themselves into the hamper. So one night— while gagging at the globs of nastiness coating my jeans, shirt and hair — I decided to make a list of just exactly what I was doused in after a day with my 4-year-old. It took some sniffing and CSI skills, but here’s what I found…

1. Snot. It’s winter. I’m resigned to being covered in boogers till March.

2. A film of pirate booty cheese. That shit gets everywhere.

3. Yogurt. If only my son got as much into his mouth as in my hair.

4. Whatthehellisthat??? Unidentified nastiness. Just tell me it isn’t poop.

5. Poop. PU-LEEZE don’t touch your butt and then my head when you’re on the pot.

6. Contents of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Look! I’m feeding my kid regularly!

7. Hot tea. Splashed it on myself when my son rammed me in the ankle with his fire truck. Yes, I burned

myself. No, he didn’t care.

8. Mud. Playing in mud is supposed to make kids healthier, right?

9. Paint. He just got into the paint. We didn’t actually paint anything.

10. Milk. In my house there is plenty of crying over spilled milk.

11. Earwax. Ew, just ew.

12. Makeup. That lipstick cost twenty bucks. ARGH.

13. Play dough. I’ll take this one. Proof that my kid did something beside watch TV today.

14. Blood. What’s a day in preschoolville without scrapped knees.

15. Neosporin. See #14.

16. Toothpaste. The perils of sitting on your kid in an attempt to brush his teeth. I should just let him get cavities.

17. Pee. Why do kids deny that they need to go? Just freaking GO when you have to go! Then you won’t piss all over my legs when I mad dash rush you to the potty.

18. Globs of hardened, partially chewed graham cracker mush. Snacking and cuddling don’t mix.

19. Germs. No, I can’t see these or smell these, but I just know they’re crawling all over me.

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