Yes, it’s true that you may never be able to find these things now that you’re a mom. But you could find yourself saving up to 15% or more on car insurance with GEICO.
Motherhood changes everything. This isn’t earth shattering news. You were prepared for it, but not really prepared. It’s the little things you’ve never thought about, the stuff that’s not in any parenting book and your pediatrician never mentioned. Probably your lady friends said, “this will definitely change” and you heard them but shrugged it off and kept buying every single cute onesie that met your eyeballs because they say things like, “strong like my mom.”
YOU KNOW IT.
But now you’re deep into the trenches realizing you’re up to your forehead in self-doubt and where for the love of all things holy is a t-shirt without an actual stain. Ah, welcome to motherhood: where your clothes are a roadmap of the day’s meals, you have zero time and you can never find anything. Here’s 15 things you can never find now that you’re a mom.
1. That one healthy food your child will actually eat.
Sometimes you just need to admit defeat and lie to yourself that ketchup is a vegetable. There are only so many hours in the day, right?
2. Anything that matches.
Whether it’s plastic food containers, shoes, socks, whatever. Anything that comes in a pair you might as well light on fire and burn.
3. The time to shower.
There is no showering, only dry shampoo.
4. The elusive tube of mascara that doesn’t have you looking like a raccoon by the of the day.
Because why not accessorize the bags under your eyes by drawing even more attention to your sleep deprived self. Thanks for looking out, makeup!
5. Anything that fits.
There is only one size in motherhood and it’s elastic waist.
6. Time to yourself.
What, hello, is this thing on?! Time to oneself? What is this you say?! Never heard of it.
7. Your perky boobs.
Mine only point down as a constant reminder that the only thing I should be doing right now is napping.
8. Literally anyone that doesn’t have an opinion about everything you do.
Who knew that motherhood was a collaborative project where you do the very best you can raising a tiny human and everyone else gets to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Thanks, folks! Huge help.
9. The will to leave your house.
It’s too much work to go “out there.” You’d actually have to put on pants. And who wants to do that?
10. A body part that doesn’t jiggle.
Is that a flag or your underarm flapping? We will never truly know. The post pregnancy body, in general, just settles. Probably gravity, so shake your fist at the moon. I guess you could work out, but at what cost? We don’t shake it like a polaroid picture, moms jiggle like gelatin. I’ve made my peace.
11. Not Me.
Who is this mystery person that takes the toothpaste and channels their inner Jackson Pollock all over the sink? The person who NEVER replaces the empty toilet roll. The one that drinks the last whatever. When I get my hands on Not Me, we need to talk.
12. More than one hair tie.
And you will have to pry the one I have from my cold, dead wrist so help me.
13. A hot meal.
Up and down, up and down. Who needs a workout when dinner time is basically step aerobics because someone forgot this and another one needs that and can you cut this and, wait, the butter noodles aren’t actually buttered because, well, who are you and how did you get here. Is this real life?! Wake up, girl, wake up.
14. Space on your phone because ALL the pictures.
One Day I will print these photos. Just not today. Or probably ever. Just being real here. I will go to my grave thinking, today was almost the day I printed those.
15. Cold hard cash.
It comes in, it goes out and it’s never to be seen again. Like an unsolved mystery or some wizardry magic. You’re sure it was just right there and, nope, it’s gone! Poof.
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