Tomorrow is tax day! It’s that time of the year when we are reminded that the precious children we love so much are also adorable little bundles of tax credits. Yay, kids.
There’s a constant and consistent argument that floats around the internet about whether being a mom is a “job” or not. Some people say it’s the “hardest job” and liken it to being a chef, accountant, driver, doctor, etc. I’m sure you’ve seen the meme. Other people say things like, “shut up no one forced you to have those kids – being a parent is not a job.” I sort of hate both of these people. I think parenting is difficult enough to be called a “job,” but you won’t hear me comparing myself to a doctor anytime soon.
So, in my fictional world where parenting is, in fact, considered a “job” — here are some of the things I should be able to write off. After all, I can’t parent without them.
1. Wine. Have you ever tried to end your day by putting a thrashing 3-year-old into a pair of pajamas? I have. Repeatedly. The only thing that gets me through it is the glass of wine waiting on the other side of his bedtime.
2. Goldfish Crackers. I would love to say the Goldfish crackers are on this list because my children love them, but in reality they probably wouldn’t care if I ever bought a bag again. Since there are so many days when a bowl of Goldfish crackers (they go great with wine) is the only thing I consume after 5 p.m. (when I finish work and begin my second job of keeping my children happy until bedtime) the little crackers may be single-handedly keeping me alive.
3. Yoga Pants. Yes, I am a walking stereotype. I don’t care. The other day I pointed to my workout clothes and told my sister I needed to buy more “lounge pants.” Holy crap. I will eventually get my shit together, but for the time being stretchy clothes are keeping me sane and decent. Can I still claim to be in the postpartum period if my last child is under two?
4. Cable. All of you moms who claim to parent without television are big, fat, liars. Or just really better at this than I am.
5. Concealer. I thank the gods daily for the invention that allows me to trick the world into believing I got a full-night’s sleep.
6. Coffee. Speaking of all the sleep I’m not getting… I can’t parent without coffee. I’ve tried. My eyes just start to glaze over. It’s disconcerting to the children.
7. Boxed Macaroni And Cheese. Not sure how other people parent without this trusty old stand-by. Pretty sure my kids would skip dinner entirely a few days a week if it wasn’t for some form of pasta.
All of this stuff combined would be a huge deduction.
This article was originally published on