Things My Body Cannot Do At My Age

I am getting old. I’ve already blown out 861 birthday candles. Gerald Ford was president when I was born. The Vietnam War ended with the falling of Saigon when I turned 1 year old. I could go on, but the general message I’m sending is I’m damn old. To add to this fact, it seems our bodies do everything in their power to remind us of our age. Add birthing children into the mix, and it feels like our temples have abandoned us completely. I don’t know about you, but below is a list of activities I struggle to accomplish at the tender age of 41 years, 6 months and 13 days (give or take).

1. Bending over to pick anything up. For me, this typically results in throwing my back out. This can include a five-pound dumbbell, a pile of laundry, your wasted youth or one more damn Lego. As a side note, when you throw your back out, whatever muscles you use to suck your gut in are disabled. Bend over at your own risk—you’ve been warned.

2. Jumping on a trampoline without peeing my pants. Not that you see a lot of grown adults randomly jumping on trampolines, but now that I can’t, the desire has only intensified. I mean, if you challenged me to a trampoline jumping contest, I’d be game, but it seems like a selfish waste of a panty liner.

3. Remembering anything. I can remember every word to “Ice Ice Baby” but regularly forget why I walked into a room.

4. Staying awake till bar close. I’m lucky if I can make it to the end of Dateline on a Friday night, let alone close down a bar. The very thought of standing in a crowded tavern with a bunch of twentysomethings, getting beer spilled all over me and sweating my ass off sounds horrid. Oh my God, I’m so damn old. I don’t even know when Taco Bell closes anymore. Who am I?

5. Not wearing a bra. Unfortunately, I tried this again last week while grocery shopping. I was turning to admire the cinnamon bread when momentum took over and I knocked a can of chicken noodle soup clean off the shelf with my breast. Needless to say, the soup can was on the bottom shelf.

6. Leaving the house without makeup. After a certain age, you do not wear makeup to impress men. You wear it to prevent 14 strangers from asking you if you are feeling OK and also to keep small children from staring at you with their mouths agape.

7. Doing a cartwheel. I know, it’s not like Béla Károlyi is out there recruiting middle-aged women to join his gymnastics team. But wouldn’t it be nice to be upside down, if only for a moment, without getting a head rush and wanting to vomit? That entire sentence summed up my 20s, by the way.

8. Purchasing anything from Forever 21. With my youth went the ability to buy apparel that is both affordable and trendy. And that tube skirt would only fit one of my thighs, maybe.

10. Having sex in a twin bed. One really cannot appreciate the athleticism of their youth until they try this after the age of 40.

11. Managing a hangover. I used to laugh in the face of a hangover with some Advil and a Gatorade. Now I actually consider stabbing my eyeballs out with an appropriately sharp Mickey’s Mousekadoer tool.