Things My Body Cannot Do At My Age


7. Doing a cartwheel. I know, it’s not like Béla Károlyi is out there recruiting middle-aged women to join his gymnastics team. But wouldn’t it be nice to be upside down, if only for a moment, without getting a head rush and wanting to vomit? That entire sentence summed up my 20s, by the way.

8. Purchasing anything from Forever 21. With my youth went the ability to buy apparel that is both affordable and trendy. And that tube skirt would only fit one of my thighs, maybe.

10. Having sex in a twin bed. One really cannot appreciate the athleticism of their youth until they try this after the age of 40.

11. Managing a hangover. I used to laugh in the face of a hangover with some Advil and a Gatorade. Now I actually consider stabbing my eyeballs out with an appropriately sharp Mickey’s Mousekadoer tool.