8 Things Nobody Told Me About Raising Kids

by Alyson Herzig
Originally Published: 

1. They do not heed any warning. There was that special bonding moment when I was home visiting my parents and brought the kids to the beach solo. I told one child at least a hundred times to stay off of the rocks. The day ended less than 30 minutes later when I was lucky enough to try to carry all my beach stuff and the child off the beach because his foot was pumping out blood like a geyser from a deep cut. This same child was also warned repeatedly to stay off my elliptical machine. The lesson was not driven home until he had a 4″ gash on his foot that took weeks to heal and couldn’t be stitched because he had burned off a chunk of his skin.

2. Injuries are not run of the mill. (See above) Kids get hurt, there is nothing new there. But exactly how they get hurt is always a one in a million chance thing – run into the TV and knock out their front teeth. Jump off the bed and become impaled on a toothpick. Get hooked by a fishing hook… in the eye. Have a finger slammed in a car door right at the locking mechanism. Yup, these are just some of the many fucked up ways kids I know have gotten injured.

3. Tampons are Fun! I was naive to believe that my kids would be unaware of Mommy’s special products in the bathroom. That is until I came to investigate all the fun my two chitlins were having and discovered them sword fighting with my tampons. But don’t worry because, “We threw out that weird q-tip!”

4. Stupidity Runs Deep. I am not saying your little protege isn’t a genius, but I am saying they do stupid things. Like put their face in poison ivy or rip the tops off all the markers in preschool and then claim it wasn’t them while they are covered in ink. Be prepared.

5. You will want to hurt another kid. It’s true, I am sorry but at some point another kid will hurt your kid and you will have to fight every muscle in your body to not drop kick that kid. A ‘friend’ told me that storming up to the kid that hurt yours and leaning in with your finger extend while you growl out, “Who made you king?” is effective in this situation.

6. They only need stuff when it is inconvenient. Almost daily, I will ask a child if they need something when I am up and it is easily accessible. They, of course, reply, “Nope, I’m good!” and then soon as my ass hits a chair, or I am in the bathroom, said child will announce they need something. Every.Time.

7. They never lift the seat! I swear on my death bed I will still be screaming, “Lift the Seat!” Today I was lucky enough to sit in puke, because apparently both the child and the husband that went in to check on the child didn’t think properly cleaning the toilet would be a good idea. As for pee, I have just gotten to the point where I sigh when I sit down and my legs and ass get wet. The kids have just beaten me down after eight years.

8. Be Prepared to Share Everything. On day three of a family trip I only counted three toothbrushes, but there are four of us. I questioned both children who assured me that they had been diligently brushing their teeth daily. I then asked them to show me which toothbrush they were using. This is when one of my spawn walked into the bathroom and proudly picked up my toothbrush as the one that he had been using. Gross doesn’t even cover it.

I wouldn’t return my kids, no, but I would prefer to not sit in puke at the beginning of my day. It’s the little things, ya know?

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