We are routinely told that pregnancy is a time of feeling glowy and #SoBlessed. I hope to god that I am not the first to tell you that this is the farthest thing from the truth. If so, I’m really sorry to burst that bubble, friend.
Pregnancy is filled with gas and constipation. It’s being told you can’t eat soft cheese or deli meat or drink booze. Nothing fits right. You want to cry at everything. And if you’re like me, then you probably rage eat, because hormones.
So while you are busy growing bigger and more emotionally unstable, here is a quick list that your partner can refer to for ways to support the beautiful pregnant lady in their life:
1. Rage eat with her, and ask her if she wants more.
2. Suggest a foot rub (for her, not you).
3. When she wants to talk baby names or layettes, no matter what your brain is screaming, your mouth better say, “Absolutely!”
4. Tell her she is smokin’ hot.
5. Offer her more food.
6. Go to all of the OB-GYN appointments with her.
7. Do not freak out, wince, or be visibly uncomfortable when words like “discharge,” “cramping,” “vagina,” “bloating,” “hemorrhoid,” or any other word to describe the “glowing” comes up.
8. Buy her a body pillow.
9. And probably some tacos too.
10. Don’t eat foods that she can’t.
11. Don’t drink fun boozy things in front of her unless you want an eye poked out.
12. Be in charge of cleaning everything she can’t reach, such as the floor or the dishes.
13. Trash-talk her non-pregnant friends for being skinny.
14. Kiss her belly.
15. Lower back rubs are freaking awesome.
16. Offer her another foot rub while you’re at it.
17. Clean the bathrooms.
18. Be irrationally angry and also teary-eyed at insurance commercials too.
19. Do the damn laundry.
20. Brush her hair, and tell her she’s pretty.
21. Do not comment on weird body things like chin hairs or growing feet.
22. If she wants to do a crazy baby reveal, just roll with it.
23. Ditto on the nursery planning.
24. Be super duper careful how you tell her that you hate the baby names she picked out.
25. Like, maybe don’t say anything at first.
26. Maybe let someone else ruin the name for her, like your mother.
27. Give her more chocolate.
28. When she bitches about pregnancy symptoms, actually listen to her.
29. You totally agree that yoga pants and oversized T-shirts are absolutely the cutest in maternity wear.
30. Offer her another foot rub.
31. Daydream with her about all things baby related.
32. When her sex drive goes bonkers in the second trimester, totally indulge her.
33. But then don’t bring it up again when she goes through the “don’t fucking touch me ever again” phase, because that’s a thing too.
34. Agree with her that the scales at the doctor’s office are totally rigged and wrong. She’s not really that heavy, dammit.
35. During the third trimester, don’t complain about anything. Seriously. STFU.
36. Rip out the section of the What to Expect books that talks about all the scary shit that can happen — but likely won’t — during pregnancy.
37. Do not mention labor — ever — unless she mentions it, and then just listen to her.
38. Don’t ask her if her vagina will be stretched all out forever. Seriously, don’t.
39. When she wonders out loud what features the baby will have, always avoid awkward things like your hairy feet or weirdly shaped nose. (You know, if you have those.)
40. Do the laundry again.
41. Let her have your side of the bed.
42. Without any reason, just tell her that you love her.
43. And tell her that she is beautiful.
44. Maybe offer her some more chocolate.
45. When she rages about some comment her mom made, just nod along and listen.
46. Help her create a solid birth plan. Don’t make her do that alone.
47. Include extra rest time for her in that plan if you can swing it.
48. If she wants to hire a photographer for the big event, just roll with it.
49. If she wants to Facebook Live the big event, just roll with it.
50. If she wants a natural birth in the middle of a field with a circle of sister wives and midwives, then help her make it happen.
51. If she wants a scheduled C-section, then help her make that happen.
52. If you screw up any part of this and piss her off, then go ahead and rage eat with her.
Just remember, no matter how ridiculous this list may feel to you, she is experiencing a landslide of hostile hormones that are making her swing between bliss and “this fucking sucks.” So, help her out. Give her chocolate and offer her a lower back rub.