15 Things Toddlers Think Before Falling Asleep

by Toni Hammer
Originally Published: 

We have a video baby monitor because I’m a crazy nut job who has to know if my kids are really sleeping or if they’re just laying their quietly waiting me out to see if I’ll come in and check on them. They’re crafty children. After I lay them down, I check the monitor every 5-10 minutes or so just to see what they’re up to.

Sometimes they’re talking or laughing. Sometimes they’re screaming or playing nicely in their cribs.That’s not super interesting. It’s kind of cute, but I see them laugh and play and scream all day.

What really makes me wonder is when they’re silently lying in their cribs staring at the ceiling. It’s those moments where I find myself asking, “What are they thinking about?” Here are a few of my ideas:

1. Why does Daniel Tiger wear pajamas pants, but not pants during the day? My children have astute observational skills.

2. How can I get candy? Heck, even I think this one when it’s 2AM and I just wanna sneak off to 7-11 and pick up some Reese’s.

3. What does Mom do when I’m asleep? I eat Reese’s.

4. How long do I have to be good until I get candy? Give up the fight now, kid. Candy is for Mommy.

5. Why does Mom close the door when she goes potty but I just squat in the living room? Because you haven’t quite caught on to this whole potty training thing yet. Look on the bright side–you get to watch TV while peeing. Daddy and I aren’t rich enough to have a TV in the bathroom. We have to use our phones like the average joes that we are.

6. This diaper is really cramping my style. I think I’ll just take it off and throw it into brother’s crib. I’m adding “duct tape diapers to baby” onto the evening routine.

7. What’s the big deal about clothes? This is one of the many questions I will not be able to answer for you.

8. I hope tomorrow is bath night! Only if we have spaghetti. It’s no coincidence that those two events happen the same day.

9. Candy candy candy. Give it up, milk breath.

10. I don’t know what “coffee” is, but it sure is important to Mom. Yes, yes it is. Please stop spilling it. It makes Mommy sad.

11. How old do I have to be to have cheesecake for breakfast like Mom did today? When you move out. Mommy doesn’t share.

12. I should teach Mom that grapes are not candy. I don’t think she gets it. You are very wise, young padawan. Now eat nature’s candy.

13. Why does brother have an extra finger down there? We’ll talk about this when you’re older. Much older. I need more coffee. And whiskey.

14. Why does the spider keep crawling up the water spout? He’s not very bright… because he didn’t eat his vegetables.

15. I like Mom. She’s so smart and funny and awesome. I wanna be just like her when I grow up. Then I can buy all the candy. I hope you make enough money to make all your candy buying dreams come true, but not enough to put me in a home.

Related post: Bedtime Stalling 101

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