“If enough of us band together and decide we don’t want to wear pants when we leave the house, we won’t have to do it. Seriously, lets put an end to this once and for all.”
Dude. You’re preaching to the choir. The last people that need convincing that pants are the absolute worst are moms. We can all appreciate the arguments for going without — and probably give you a few more.
Matt Bellassai has every mom’s dream job: getting wine-drunk and bitching about stuff. Every week, Buzzfeed pays him to get drunk at his desk and complain on camera. Seriously, what did this guy do in his past life to deserve this dream occupation?
In the past, Bellassai has bitched about kids, weddings, Halloween… you name it. This week his focus falls hilariously on pants:
“Buying pants is one big, cruel, painful joke. I didn’t spend four years in college, to waste my precious fucking time and money squeezing my sweaty hams into a fucking venus thigh-trap.
Trying on pants is basically a fucking mind-game. You’ve got to take off your shoes, you’re hungry, you’re confused… your face is streaked with dry tears and you don’t even remember when you started crying.
All to squeeze into a piece of fabric that measures how much fatter you are than the last time you tried on pants.”
My god! Truer words were never spoken. This is a hilarious anti-ode to something we all need to wear — that at different times in our lives may cause horrifying stress. You’ll laugh to keep from crying.
Bellassai nails why pants suck so bad. Can you imagine the rant he’d produce if he had to endure a bra? Or a bella band? Or a fucking bikini?
Buzzfeed may just need to find a female counterpart to cover all the bases.