Ladies, Here’s Some Help Getting Your Husbands Off The Damn Toilet

by Valerie Williams
Originally Published: 
Image via Kickstarter

No more 40-minute poop breaks, guys

Isn’t it annoying to hear the term “man cave” when every woman who lives with a man knows they already have one and it’s the freaking bathroom? Men take up residence on the toilet like they’re clocking in for work, spending interminable amounts of time “pooping” when we all know they’re actually “avoiding helping the kids with their homework.” Men feel untouchable in there — but that’s about to change.

Thanks to an innovative new product, you can head your partner off at the pass and give him a time limit before he begins his bathroom journey. Shut up and take our money, because the current situation is bullshit. Pun fully intended.

It’s called the Toilet Timer and for the low, low price of a one-time $17 pledge to their Kickstarter, you can own one — if they get this little savior off the ground, that is. The product is a timer complete with a silhouette of an annoying man taking his sweet time on the john, phone in hand. The sands moving from his bowels to the bottom of the toilet serve as a subtle reminder that he needs to “Shit or get off the pot.” Literally.

Image via Kickstarter

“When the sand runs out, it’s time to move on.” Brilliant. With this timer running out in just five minutes, there will be no more 40-minute shits where you’re stuck dealing with the kids and cooking dinner as he luxuriates on the throne scrolling Reddit and watching YouTube vids. Either he has to go, or he doesn’t. This isn’t a free for all.

Image via Kickstarter

If your husband is like mine, you watch him waltz into the bathroom with his phone or tablet in hand and know that he’s about to post up for way longer than it takes to actually drop a deuce. If it’s not ready to come out yet, don’t sit on the god damn toilet and take a half hour break until the action happens. Go when it’s time to go — and not a moment before.

Because that’s the only option us moms get. Just this morning, all I did was pee and in the 90 seconds I was behind the closed bathroom door, my son had set up camp outside it, wrapped in a blanket waiting to spit out his breakfast order. As my husband peacefully slept, naturally.

Image via Kickstarter

If moms tried taking 40-minute shit breaks we would emerge from the bathroom to a home in smoldering ruins, or at the very least, our kids writhing on the floor whining about all the things they need and a large-scale mess from their pitiful attempts at helping themselves. We get maybe two minutes on the potty before all hell breaks loose.

And now, so do you bros. Deal with it.

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