As my brain has struggled to catch up to these realities, I have uttered remarkably vile things before I could snap my mouth shut. Figuring I wasn’t alone in this, I conducted an informal poll among my friends, and sure enough, we’ve all found ourselves saying…um…surprising things. Here’s a representative sampling.
Names and attribution have been withheld to protect the (seriously douchey and) innocent.
1. Nothing goes in your vagina but your fingers. No, not even crackers.
2. You need to stop fucking yelling at me.
3. It’s not too late for me to cancel your birthday party. (Said two hours before the birthday party, when it was definitely too late to cancel it.)
4. That’s great, buddy, but next time why don’t you try not to be such a dick about it.
5. Please don’t put your penis on your sister.
6. I’ll stop screaming at you when you stop being an asshole.
7. You’re not going to have any friends if you keep doing that.
8. No more French fries until you eat your bacon, please.
9. You put the “I” in “team,” honey.
10. Mommies and daughters don’t kiss like that.