Top 7 Reasons I Want To Throttle My Children

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Settle down everyone, no need to call Social Services. I would never intentionally harm my children. It’s a figure of speech, like “shitshow.” To my knowledge, there is no show in the world made up of actual shit. But I digress. I am the mother of three wonderful children who range in age from helpless to disgusting. Children who, from time to time, do things that make me want to throttle them with my bare hands. Not until they pass out, but just long enough that they know I mean business. Since that is illegal, I decided to vent these frustrations to all of you. In no particular order, here are the top seven reasons my kids are jackasses:

1. Candy Wrappers

I am going to tell you a story I am not proud of. Yesterday I reached for the last Twix bar left over from Halloween. What I grabbed instead was an empty candy wrapper still sitting in the candy bucket. I stormed into the living room where all of my children were present and said, “Whoever ate that last Twix bar and left the empty wrapper is going to fucking die.” I don’t normally swear (much) in front of my children, nor do I threaten their lives, but I snapped. Possibly because I had my period. This is also possibly why I was scrounging for chocolate. By the looks on their faces, I’d say I bought myself at least a month of candy-filled wrappers.

2. Open Drawers

My children leave the house every morning for school. Inevitably, I walk past their rooms and notice every drawer in said rooms is open. It looks like we were robbed. I go into the bathroom. Every single drawer pulled open. Same situation, every single day. I’m not sure how much effort it takes to close a drawer, but I feel like a librarian managing the world’s largest card catalog. I pray some of you know what a card catalog is.

3. Dirty Underwear

If you have a child between the ages of 3 and 17 currently living in your home, odds are there are at least two pairs of poop-stained underwear hidden in their rooms. If you think your kids are above this behavior, may I suggest you look harder. I actually once walked into the room where my 6-year-old was launching a pair of underwear (filled with diarrhea no less) onto the top of his closet. He took care to wrap a single piece of toilet paper around this shit-rocket before attempting to hide it. I should mention this is where I keep my winter sweaters. Since then, I’ve found no less than 13 pairs with varying quantities and types of feces inside. Some have been in my daughter’s room. Twelve years does not a lady make.

4. Empty Food Containers

Similar to No. 1, the rule is pretty simple: If you are the last person to finish an item of food, the container the food came in gets thrown away. This goes for the fridge, freezer, pantry or anywhere else we store food. The next time I stick my hand in an empty box of Popsicles, you better pray you aren’t in grabbing distance.

5. Lying

My eldest came out of my bathroom the other morning swearing she did not borrow any of my makeup. I actually let her go to school with her eye looking like it lost a fight with a tarantula. Notice I said eye and not eyes? Twelve-year-olds get very distracted when they are lying. Have a good day, honey. I win, jackass.

6. Limited Language Skills

My 9- and 12-year-olds only have three responses to any question or request made to them. They are, “I know,” “whatever” and “one sec.” That’s it. I know they are brighter than this. When they converse with friends, they most definitely use additional words. Most conversations for me, unfortunately, go like this.

Me: “Please go put your laundry away.”

Them: “One sec.”

Me: “I said now please.”

Them: “I know.”

Me: “Please don’t say ‘I know’ and then continue to sit there playing Minecraft.”

Them: “Whatever.”

If I had a Twix bar for every time they use these phrases….

7. Boogers

Everyone has boogers. That’s why Kimberly-Clark invented Kleenex. My children have decidedly turned picking these gems into an Olympic sport. My toddler picks and wipes on whatever fabric is closest to his hand. My 12-year-old keeps them on a Kleenex in her backpack (like Jeffrey Dahmer but with boogers). My 9-year-old son appears to be creating a booger wall behind his bed. After rereading this article, I might just decide to burn down his room altogether.

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