The Top 10 Reasons We’re Not Having Sex Tonight

by Carrie Friedman
Originally Published: 

A little while ago, some assclown made the news for keeping an Excel spreadsheet of his wife’s excuses for not having sex with him, and sharing it with the world. I can only imagine that makes her want him that much more. In case my beloved husband is keeping track, I would like to preemptively get my own list out there…

10. I am not clean. I am never clean, it seems, as I am always covered in the food, vomit, or feces of our offspring. I even bathed today! But I started sweating the minute I stepped out of the shower, and now it’s been a three tee-shirt day.

9. Remember that fight we had 20 minutes ago about nipples for the baby’s bottle, after which you stormed out of the room like a fucking child? I do.

8. Honey, somebody shrunk my libido. Or simply replaced it with bone-crushing fatigue.

7. Let’s not and say we did. No one will ever know. We could lie and tell people we can’t stop doing it.

6. Maybe bringing in a third party would spice up our sex life? Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of this. I have. I am thinking: a cleaning lady! She can do the dishes, the laundry, light cleaning, maybe even some cooking. And I can do, well, you know.

5. Sure, we can have sex. Or we could sleep an extra 19 minutes. I know which one I’d– zzzzz.

4. Believe it or not, micromanaging and second-guessing aren’t huge turn-ons for me.

3. I’ve had kids hanging on me all day. I am a human jungle gym. All I want to do is read a magazine (even a novel is too much commitment) and have a big gulp size o’ straight vodka. Cheers.

2. Know what gets my motor running? Admitting you were wrong even ONCE in your damn life.

1. Can’t stress this enough: I really need to take another shower. I smell like a Sbarro’s.

Even though we’ve been married for ten years now, I still find you sexy as hell. Sure, having two toddlers can be a nightmare at times, but we’re in this together, and there’s no one I would rather be with.

Maybe tomorrow night? Until then, I’ll see you in my dreams.

Related post: 5 Ways to Please Your Man! (Or, Not)

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