Ruin Your Loved One's Holiday With 'Trumpy Bear'

by Christina Marfice

This year’s worst must-have holiday gift is apparently going to be Trumpy Bear

Each new holiday season comes with a must-have gift of the year that ranges from acceptable (Tickle-Me-Elmo back in 1996) to horrifying (the entire Furby craze). Honestly, we can’t tell where on the spectrum to put this year’s newest holiday must-have, the Trumpy Bear.

He’s a stuffed bear, 22 inches tall, with a white collar, white sleeve cuffs, a red tie, and the president’s trademark hair-do. He comes with an American flag blanket that comes not out of his butt, like some news outlets are reporting, but from a zippered pouch on his back. He’ll set you back two payments of $19.95 (plus shipping and handling), if you order him over the phone — but he comes with a certificate of authenticity, so you know you’re getting the real thing and not some second rate knockoff bear. Oh, and Fox News ran this batshit commercial for him.

That commercial is apparently a shorter version of one that includes law enforcement officers, firefighters, small business owners, industry workers and more all proclaiming their love for Trumpy Bear. That’s not to say the short version of the commercial is lacking any testimonials. It shows an elderly woman, who happily shows off her bear in front of a giant, inflatable American flag.

“God bless America, and God bless Trumpy Bear,” she declares.

It also shows a golfer who says having Trumpy Bear riding along with him in his cart “makes his golf game great again.”

And it shows Michael Ruffino, a former Marine, who proudly carries his bear with him on his motorcycle.

The baritone infomercial voiceover lets viewers know that all you have to do is “Simply style his trademark hair and place him in his favorite chair. Even the toughest guys will love Trumpy Bear.”

Um, we guess.

Honestly, you can’t tell whether this is all satire or if this is a legitimate appeal to Trump’s fan base, because in the political landscape we’re now in, those things are indistinguishable from one another. But we do know that Trump’s presidency has been heavily commodified from the get-go. Currently, his campaign gift shop sells Trump-branded football jerseys, dog leashes, coffee mugs, megaphones, t-shirts, and more, so it’s not really a surprise to see yet another piece of merchandise that will likely be the must-have holiday gift of 2019 for the president’s extremely dedicated base.

If Trumpy Bear is (for some reason) just the right gift for that special Trump supporter in your life, just make sure you’re getting the real deal. As the commercial warns, there may be imposter bears out there, and without his certificate of authenticity, your Trumpy Bear may as well be Dumpy Bear.