If You Want To Cancel, I Really Won't Be Mad

by Jackie Goldschneider
mom friend
freemixer / iStock

Dear mom friend,

Hey there! Just want to say how excited I am to see you tonight! Like, beyond excited. I can’t wait to catch up. It’s been way too long.

And by the way, how fun is escaping on a weeknight? What a relief to finally have a break from the same old routine day in and day out. Who goes into the city on a Tuesday night?

Yup, we do! So cool. This restaurant is supposed to be amazing — glad we could score a reservation.

So anyway, I just finished feeding and showering the kids and I’m about to get in the shower myself, but I had a few minutes so I thought I’d shoot you a letter.

Did I even tell you why I texted you for plans? Such a fun story. So I was sitting in the carpool line at school waiting for my kids to come out, and I put on some ’90s on 9. No big deal, it was Hootie. Whatever. And then that song came on. Remember that Spice Girls song we loved? We always blasted it in college when we were getting ready to go out! I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna ziz-a-zig aahhh. I was totally singing along, and of course I thought of you.

And then next thing I know, they were playing La Bouche, “Be My Lover.” Oh my god, suddenly my head was spinning with memories of us dancing on tables and partying in dirty basements, and suddenly I got so effing nostalgic and I felt like…I’m not old dammit. I’m a goddamn spring chicken, and I can still totally party! So I grabbed my phone and texted you that we have to make epic plans, and you were so in! And even though that just turned into dinner, it’s okay. Because, like I said, we’re going to the city on a Tuesday. We rock! So fun.

Anyway, I know you’re really busy and everything, and I don’t want you to feel forced by my crazy need to feel young again.

So I want you to know that if you need to cancel, I really would understand.

In fact, if you want to cancel, I wouldn’t be mad at all. I promise.

Please cancel. Please, please cancel.

It’s not that I don’t want to see you. I really do. But here’s the thing…

It’s almost winter, which means that it’s been dark since 5:00…and it’s 6:30 now so I’ve been ready to get in pajamas for several hours already. The thought of putting nice clothes on after I shower makes me really effing tired. My body’s like “Jackie, what the hell are you doing?” It just feels unnatural, and my stomach automatically responds by getting totally bloated. And I really don’t want to button anything around my waist right now.

Also, my husband just came home and got into sweats and sat his ass on the couch with a take-out Vietnamese menu and I’m having a really hard time with that. It makes me feel cold and hungry and like I’d do anything to not have to shower right now.

Did I mention I’m cold and feel bloated? Holy crap, you’re texting me. Please be canceling, please be canceling…

“You still good for tonight? Can’t wait to see you!” Shit.

Is that my out? Is she asking because she wants to cancel? Why can’t she just be the one to cancel? Can I say something non-cancel-ish that puts the ball back in her court?

“I’m good if you are. Let me know.” I’m not even using an exclamation point so she’s not sure if I’m happy about it.

Now our plans sound tentative. Okay, so I’ll get in the shower. Maybe that will be good luck, and by the time I get out she’ll ask if another night is better and then I can scream for my husband to add Saigon chicken to the order. Fingers crossed.

“I’m good. See you soon!” Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I feel like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when he freaks out in his car, and he’s all “I’ll go… I’ll go… I’ll go…”

This sucks – who the eff wants to drag their ass into the city on an effing Tuesday in the winter? Okay, fine it’s fall, but it’s cold so it might as well be winter. Doesn’t she realize it’s the thought that counts and that texting her was my way of saying I still think of you? It’s really the act of making super cool plans that makes us chic and trendy, and we don’t actually have to go through with it. Why the hell did I even agree to this?

Oh wait, I started it.

So anyway, just wanted to say how excited I am to see you! But the next time we get the urge to recapture our youth with a wild and crazy night out…

Can we just have lunch?